It has occurred to me that dead rock stars need legal representation. Specifically, they need me. Why me? Because I am America’s top rock musicologist, so my intent is pure. The way things work now, the rights usually go to a widow. This is a bad idea, because the widows want money. The widows need money… so they whore out their dead spouses. Think Yoko, she has turned everything John Lennon ever did into a commercial endeavor. That isn’t art. That is greed. Yoko sucks my ass. Wanna know why? She had the chance to buy the rights to the Beatles catalogue years ago. It was 40 million. Paul McCartney approached her and offered to split it for 20 million each. Yoko said no. That was when Michael Jackson bought the Beatles, and started selling their songs for commercials. Oh, and by the way, Yoko; that catalogue is now worth somewhere around 500 million. Jackson already sold off 25% of it a few years later for 100 million. So, he more than quadrupled his initial investment… and still owns 75%.
His estate still owns the Beatles rights, and his estate is in debt to everyone on Earth. So, expect the Beatles catalogue to get whored out for everything to pay off Michael’s freaky debts.
Another example is Courtney Love. Good rock star, but horrible estate executor. Just horrible. Specifically, here is what she did. She found his diaries, and sold them. Didn’t just sell them, she sold them to some hack magazine… like People. I can prove, without question, this was deeply against Kurt’s will, and ethos. When Kurt finally agreed to appear on the cover of Rolling Stone, he made is thoughts quite clear. He was wearing a shirt that read ‘Corporate Magazines Still Suck’. That is that picture above. His message was clear. All his messages were clear. His songs, his movement, was about alienation from pop culture. He felt disconnected and and disenchanted with everything. It is why he was a good rock star, and it is also why he killed himself. Really, his diaries being published for all to read is sickening enough. Selling them to a weekly corporate magazine is just evil.
I would not have allowed this has his dead rock star lawyer. Oh no. I would have shot Courtney for her own good. Who else would I kill as a professional rock star lawyer? No one, we don’t do that. Just kidding, I would kill Axl Rose in a heartbeat. I would have done it 20 years ago. It is for his own good. Axl Rose ruined one of the greatest bands in the history of the world, and I will NEVER forgive him for that. Why didn’t Axl die in a plane crash after Lies was recorded (but before it was released?). Then, we could spend the rest of our days talking about how great they would have been. Nope. He fired every single member of the band (including ALL the songwriters). Then, took 16 years to release a new album. Also, it sucks. Also, he refused to tour or do press. Oh, and of course he stole the bands name and held it hostage.
Appetite for Destruction is the best rock album ever made. Read that again, as I realize it is a strong statement. Well, if I was Axl’s dead rock star lawyer, I would have killed him. Then, I would have broken up the band for good. Then, I would have released the sessions for ‘Use your Illusion’ as one decent CD. I can prove it. When do all rock stars die? 27. Axl turned 27 in 1989, two years after ‘Appetite for Destruction’ was released. Would have been about perfect. Then, he could have been a 27 rock martyr (like Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, Shannon Hoon, Brad Nowell, Kurt Cobain). Guess who else turns 27 this year? Amy Winehouse. Aren’t we about done with her?
Who else? Did you know that the Doors made two more records after Morrison died? Yeah, big mistake. I mean, I know he was a suicidal douche and all… but still.
Now, not all decisions made a poor. Generally, I am pretty pleased with how the Grateful Dead have handled things since Jerry died.
So, really, I guess I am the dead rock star lawyer and part time assassin for their own good. Oh, and I would have offed that Jason Mraz punk about 30 cutesy songs ago.
