American Idol is for bullies

I don’t watch American Idol*.  I don’t DVR it, and I don’t chat about it at work*.   I don’t even know how the show works*, because I have better things to do.*  I was thinking about how the gag reel is compiled for these shows.  You know, the first two weeks where they just show people who BOMBED.  Think of William Hung here, or the ‘Pants on the Ground’ guy.  It’s often genuinely funny stuff… until I started thinking about it.  Here is what is fucked up.

These folks show up with a football stadium full of folks.  Literally, the auditions are held at football stadiums, which house between 60 and 80,000 folks.  So, long long before you get to the judges, you go through several tiers of production assistants.  I have to imagine each person probably auditions for 6 to 10 separate people before ever making it on TV.  To filter through that many folks takes several days.  When they taped in Denver, the contestants showed up on a Monday.  The judges didn’t fly in until Friday.  By then, the producers had it whittled down to probably about 30 to 40 folks for the judges to see.  At this point, the talent is cut to either great, or super bad gag reel.

Obviously, they don’t tell the sucky ones that they are coming back for the gag reel.  No.  They have been told by a large committee of people they are great, and going through to the next round.  They get closer and closer.  They are sequestered with the super awesome talented folks over the course of the week.  They sign tv waivers, and are given hair and makeup help.  They are told they are going to be on national tv.  You can imagine they have told ALL their friends how far they made it.  “they want me back.  I made all the auditions.  This is really my chance.  I am going to be a star.  I just had to sign this huge waiver with Viacom that gives them rights to my likenesses and recordings.  They wouldn’t do that unless they were serious”.  Yet, every single producer and person with a headset and clipboard knows they are going to be a failure on a national level.

It is evil to string these people along for several days and weeks over many auditions to get them to the point where they fail in front of millions.  MILLIONS.  For every one of these people, it will be the single most significant event of their lives.  That goes for the winners and the losers.  If you think about the process, It’s just dickish.  I am as big a fan of Schadenfreude entertainment® as anyone.  In fact, I am pretty sure I just invented that term right now.  But, this is cruel.  This is, in no uncertain terms, bullying.  I am going to fuck with your mind so hard that in about 3 months you are going to be mocked by ten million people.  They will use you as a commercial bumper to tease folks to come back.  Many will DVR this, so they can re-watch you blow it.  The next morning, on every Fox affiliate, Chuckle and friends will show your clip.

You are ruining these people’s lives.  It isn’t Fox, or American Idol, or Randy Jackson.  it is you.  You watch this shit, which bankrolls it, and validates it.

I am not going to watch these shows anymore*, and neither should you.

*footnote.  these are likely lies

Friday Fives – the change edition

1. What is something that has changed that is now better?

everything.  Too broad?  Telephones.  My telephone does everything on earth for me.  Ironically, the one thing i almost never use my telephone for is to telephone people.

2. What is something that has changed that was made worse?

telephone design.  Remember how you could fit a phone on your neck?  Maybe if you are under 30 you don’t.  Go ahead and try and pinch your phone between your shoulder and neck and make a call hands free.

3. What is something you are going to change about yourself in the future?

much less arson.  I would say 30 to 35% less arson going forward

4. If you reach into the the past and change one thing, what would that be?

help Axl Rose to join the 27 club, so we could romanticuize how Guns would have been the greatest rock band in history… bigger than Zeppelin!  There were poised to, I feel.  Then, the singer fired the whole band, including the guys who wrote all the songs.  then, took the band name and sat on it for 17 years.

5.  What is something that someone close to you needs to change, right now!

I have to pee something fierce, but wanted to finish my thoughts here.  Change must come from within!  Wanna hear a funny story about corporate policy, change, and bathroom problems?  Some time ago, I was stuck on a very long conference call that was going on endlessly.  We were discussing things in which I was a primary ‘stakeholder’, meaning changes discussed had a profound effect on my group.  We got to a decision I was violently against.  I knew challenging it would be another 30 minutes on the phone.  I was also pretty sure the powers that be had their minds made up on it.  Most importantly, I really really had to poo.  So, I let it lie just to get off the phone to go poo.

So, if you are ever wondering how the in world companies made silly decisions… like New Coke > odds are the dude just had to poo really bad so he just agreed to make the meeting end quicker.  I am not proud of this, but it is kinda funny in retrospect.

Dance Monkey, Dance

When Ryan Gosling goes on Leno, he doesn’t have to do a scene.  The actors don’t have to travel the country performing the movie, like a band does.  Why not?  Also, they make WAY more money.  When a band goes on Leno, they don’t get to chat.  They don’t get to sit and ‘play a clip’ from the new album.  Why does the actor get to do that?  Shouldn’t he have to perform that clip right then and there… like a band does?  We are getting screwed!

how is that for a teaser, crackers?

I am a musician.  I don’t really consider myself one.  However, since I play multiple instruments in a working band… for the purpose of this discussion… I am a musician.  I found something something troubling when I compare musicians to actors.  They say every rock star wants to be a musician and vice versa.  Which was is better?  Actor!

Why?  Musicians get tons of tail, drugs and booze and poor social behavior is almost expected.  Pretty great racket, eh?  When you walk on stage, to do your day job, thousands of people scream.  What is better than that?  Being actor, is, because he doesn’t have to.

When a musician makes a record, he then spends the next year traveling the world playing that record for everyone possible.  He only stops to record a new record, to repeat the process.  This is the exact same process for every musician ever.  That is work, man.  A ton of work.  You think they sleep all day and rock all night?  They don’t.  They have to get up at 6 am to do 2 hours of radio every day with Chuckles and the Cow on Cleveland’s morning zoo.

An actor, on the other hand, does something similar.  He spends 30 days making a movie.  Almost every movie is shot in 30 days, regardless of budget.  Most records are recorded and mastered in the same time period.  They cost the same, too.  For me to see a movie or buy a CD is $12.  The actor, though, doesn’t have to go out and act that movie out.  Why not?

The follow up an actor does after he makes a movie is to travel to screenings of that movie, and wave.  Also, they have to do interviews about the movie.  A band has to drive drive 8 hours a night from town to town to play to as many people as humanly possible just to make rent.  Why can’t the band, like the actor, just have the album play in theaters and then they could just to interviews about it?

Imagine the parallel.  If an actor had to travel to promote the movie, and do scenes in every town.  Not just scenes from this movie, but everyone wants to hear the classics.  Do the scene from that movie you did when you were 16… even though you are fifty now.  This is no exaggeration.  When I last saw Paul Simon live, 80% of his set was stuff he wrote and recorded 40 years ago.  Imagine if Tom Cruise is up there doing bits from Mission Impossible and the whole damn time the crowd is just screaming for bit of “risky business”.  Eventually, like aging rocks stars, Tom Cruise would tour the country doing nothing but ‘risky business’ scenes.  Drive 4 hours to Texas tonight.  When you get there, do an hour of new scenes and an hour of classic scenes.  You’ll make $500.  Pack up and do it again tonight.  and bring ALL the movie props.  Most national touring acts have several semi’s of crap to carry from town to town.  For the really big productions (like U2 or the Stones)… they have 2 matching sets of gear.  It takes so much time to set one up, that while they are playing here, there is an advanced crew already setting up the same stage in another city.

Think of it, who else gets to do what an actor does?  Go around and talk about what he does, but not have to do that thing?  When an author travels, he has to do book readings.  When you hire a plumber, he doesn’t sit on your couch and talk about great plumbing jobs of the past.  He doesn’t get to tell funny plumbing disaster anecdotes, and then show a clip.

how about a teacher?  My English lit teacher taught the same shit for 30 years.  The exact same.  Why not make a video of her doing that.  Then, just show that to the students?  If you go to a dance recital… those fuckers dance!  If you call a cop. he doesn’t swing by and show a clip of him busting someone recently.  He has to go out and bust the new guy, every time.  They don’t get magazine covers, they get shot at.

I guess I am just super jealous of the actors.  The guys and gals who don’t really have to do anything except talk about acting… and make more money and score more tail than all of us combined.

in closing, why don’t they do this?  How awesome would it be to see a movie done live?  yes, I know it is called a play.  But, think if you could go the actual cast of Mega stars do the new Avengers movie tonight at the pepsi center.  With four semi’s of gear, they could do full sets, pyro, and wire work.  Tickets to see any national rock act are about $100.  I would pay that to see Iron Man done live in person with Robert Downey and Gwinney.

Look at this picture.  This is backstage at a U2 show.  I just read it takes 128 full semi tractor trailer rigs to move U2 town to town.  Tell me you couldn’t stage an AMAZING live movie with that much gear?  You can even give every single actor one of those super awesome Will Smith type rigs.  Think of all the life changing moments you have had at rock concerts.  How, think of how many similar life changing events you have had a movie theater.  Unless you are dating Alanis Morrissette, I am guessing concerts win out over movies.

Jesus, that got a little wordie and ranty, didn’t it?

Friday Fives – music delivery edition

1. How do you listen to your music?

mostly at my computer at work.  It is kind of a shame.  I have a really really nice stereo in my truck.  Big fat subwoofer and all that jazz.  Mostly, though, when I drive I am listening to podcasts or books on tape.  That makes my commute go quicker, and I both learn and am entertained on the drive.  Not sure why you aren’t doing this, but you have me to remind you how to be a better you.  to be a better you is to be me.  you are welcome for that.

when I do want to rock out, it is in the truck.  Must be alone.  For some reason, women tend to think driving time is talking time.  Of course, women think that anytime is talking time.  So, that doesn’t work.  Also, the windows have to be down… even if it is snowing outside.

2. CDs are dying, no one uses cassettes anymore. Where is music going to come from?

yeah, a couple years ago I threw out all my cassettes.  Just right in the garbage, hundreds of them.  Here is what really hurt, about a quarter of them were bootlegs.  Bootlegs being live recordings passed from fan to fan, getting shittier sounding each time.  I had a very impressive catalogue of live Dead, Allmans, and Pearl Jam.  Note, all three of those bands encourage their fans to tape and distribute live shows.  They still do, but everything is digital now.

Last week in cleaning up, I found a cassette for Smashing Pumpkins ‘Gish’.  It’s an amazing album.  I don’t have a cassette player anywhere, but I can’t bring myself to throw it out.   even though i have a few copies on CD, including the beautiful remaster and repackage job.

Focus man, back to the question.  Well, the future of music is definitely digital.  So, where will it come from?  Anywhere that has access to the internet.  It will be integrated into everything, soon.  In Japan, for example, their biggest cell phone company is Softbank.  of their subscriber base, 10% of their sales aren’t even phones.  They are things like toasters and digital picture frames and refrigerators that are all online.

I would like to make it so that each time I open my fridge, Mungo Jerry’s ‘in the summertime’ plays.  That is a great song, and somehow just goes with eating.  By the way, take a look at this guy.   Is there a better example of 70′s than this?  This is the singer from Mungo Jerry.  dude looks like a black power cartoon.  What is weirder is I don’t even think he is black.

Here is what is weirder, and even makes him more awesome.  Dude is a Brit!  Perhaps he is half black. We used to call them mulatto, but I don’t think you are allowed to say that anymore.  I am pretty sure it is a racial slur, which is dumb.  How about some other famous mulattos?  Lenny Kravtiz, President Obama, Slash, Tom Morello, Tyler Stewart, and Bob Marley

another thing you aren’t allowed to say?  ‘Siamese Twins’.  It is bad and racist to say that.  Now, we call them ‘conjoined twins’.  I guess the Siam lobby was fed up with everyone assuming they were all stuck together?  Anyhow, take it from me, don’t use either term.  It’s a sticky situation.   Get it?

3. What genre is the next big thing coming down the pike?

jesus, I am the wrong person to ask about that.  even though I know more about music than everyone you know combined, I just don’t care about new music.  Now, dumb people will say “todays music is ______”.  This is universally and always a stupid statement.  I am positive there is amazing music being made right now.  Likely the best in history.  However, I am not interested in new music.  I like what I like and I am not too interested in finding new bands.  I just feel I don’t have the time.  Now, a few bands slip in and quality rises to the top – avett brothers, ray lamontagne, brandi carlile are all awesome and current.

4. Who/what musically do you recommend these days?

see above.  Are you even paying attention?  also, go with Bob Dylan’s first five albums.  not ‘Blood on the Tracks’ though.  You aren’t ready for that.  Then get Grateful Dead’s ‘Live without a Net’.  Now, leave me along and get off my lawn.

Generally, the only new music I buy is new releases from old bands. 

5. Did you ever belong to Columbia House Record Club?

oh for sure.  6 cassettes for just a penny!  They were so deceptive that they got sued out of business.  not only were they not leveling with the consumers, they were screwing the musicians out of the royalties.  Their logic was “well, we sold your record for 1 penny.  So, I can’t quite give you a tenth of a penny now can I?”

this falls under what your mother should have told you “if it sounds to good to be true, it probably is”.

Coming soon-ish

Friday fives are running late and stuck in traffic. The highway’s jammed with broken heros on a last chance power drive.

Check back t noon and ill have something for you.

- Lono

The Bundle scam

America, it’s pretty much common knowledge that I am your greatest advocate.  I am here to protect you from both they, and them.  So, what are the pentaveret up today these days?  They are scamming you into more shit than you need.

Last week or so, I went to buy the Hobbit.  I want it on blu ray, of course.  All they had was a bundle of 3 movies.  the standard definition, a ‘digital copy’, and the blu ray.  The cost was $30.  Hey, man, I just want the blu ray.  One disc, $15.  Problem is, it doesn’t exist.  If you want the Hobbit, or many new movies, you have to buy this bundle BS.  Needless to say, it pisses me off.  See, it is wasteful.  Also, why in the the world would I want a standard definition copy?  If I wanted it, I would buy it.  They sell the standard def one, and it is unbundled.  So, even if I did want the standard def and the blu ray, I could buy them separate and still have it be cheaper than the bundle.

I am going to go ahead and say anytime you hear the word ‘bundle’, you are getting fucked.  It means they are cramming something in there you don’t want or need under the guise of giving you a better deal.  See, the scam with the blu ray is they imply “dude, these movies should be at least $15 a piece.  You are getting all three, a value of $45… for only $30.  Really, we are doing you a favor, you small minded puppet.”  The truth, though, is all I want is a $15 blu ray copy.  The reason they ‘bundle’ is that something in there has little to no value.  If it did, they would sell it, not ‘bundle’ it. That is it, end of transaction. A long time ago, they used to bundle cars!  If you bought a a real car, they would give you another one free.  Obviously, you get what you pay for.  The great joke used to be “why do Yugos have rear window defroster?  So your hands stay warm when you are pushing it”

The cable companies LOVE this bullshit.  When I moved, I called to get internet.  They told me I could save a fortune by bundling with my TV and my landline then Internet is only $20 unlimited when you bundle.  Cool!  I am in.  Get me Direct TV and high speed internet.  That is all.  I don’t want or use a landline.  Sorry, fatty.  No deal!  To get the internet you had to buy a goddamn landline.  So, I have one.  I have no idea what the phone number is.  “Hey, we got you the Starz bundle!”  What is that?  “well, it is all 6 Starz channels, and then about 36 channels of shit you don’t need.”  I don’t need 5 jesus channels or 10 shopping channels.  $40 a month, huh?  How about this, dump all that other crap and just sell me Starz.  We’ll call it good at $30?  Nope.  No can do.  You have to buy the 13 different Ted Turner channels that just run Seinfeld.  Seinfeld is great, but I don’t need it on every channel.

Your warning is this, dear reader; anytime you see the term ‘bundle’ in marketing please look closely.  They are pushing goods and services on you that you neither want, nor need.

Friday Fives – hounds and aliens edition

1. What is the most mysterious paranormal thing thing you have witnessed?  

you ready for this?  When I was very young, I think I saw a flying saucer from my backyard.  Not an optical illusion, or someone’s mylar balloon… but a legitimate flying spaceman saucer.  So, here is the thing.  It was so long ago that I no longer trust my memory, and I wonder if maybe I just dreamt it.  I have never told a single soul on earth that story until now.

2. Have you ever gone on a hunt and solved a mystery, like Scooby Doo and the gang?

yeah.  On Sundays, I take my hounds tracking.  This is where they learn to track people by scent, just like in the movies.  One week we were meeting at a park by “Susan’s” house, where she had laid a scent track the week before.  For this story, we will call her ‘Susan’ since that is her name.  However, Saturday night, her car got broken in to and they stole her purse.  So, since we were in the area with about ten incredibly well trained scent tracking dogs… we had a mission.

first thing we needed was a ‘scent article’.  That is something or somewhere the person touched.  We found the bad guy had used the door handle, so there was our scent article.  We figured out it was two people who left the neighborhood and took off into a park and then split up.  Likely just dumb teenagers.  We weren’t able to track them to a house with certainty.  However, you can bet they looked at their window and saw tracking hounds EVERYWHERE for a few hours.  It must have looked like a missing person movie shoot.  oh, and we found the purse by following the scent.  the kids had dumped it into a bush on their way towards the park.

3. Have you ever witnessed a crime?

Yeah, when I was a kid we used to go to this vacant dirt lot by our house to go ride our dirt bikes.  We made jumps and just hung out there.  Probably smoked cigarettes and drank terrible warm beer.  I don’t remember the details.  Anyhow, my folks were not pleased with me hanging out there.  I was banned from the lot.  Being a young early teen, of course I went anyone.  One day there we say a guy in a car chase down another car, and crash into it on purpose.  Then, the guy got out and ran up to the car he just hit and took the woman’s baby.  There was this huge screaming match and the guy drove off with the baby.  This was a serious and straight up kidnapping.

That isn’t even the interesting part.  The interesting part is this > I was forbidden from being in that lot.  We all were.  So, we took off and told NO ONE about what we saw, because we were afraid we would get grounded for being in the park.  I feel kinda bad still that we didn’t speak up.

4. Do you have a favorite fictional cop or crime fighter?

no.  wait. kinda.  This guy isn’t fictional, but my hero is John Douglas.  He is the guy who invented FBI profiling of serial killers.  The guy is amazing.  He can look at a murder victim and say “the person who did this is a white guy late teens with a limp.  Probably has a shaved head and drives a van”.  he could figure all that shit out just from a crime scene… and he was always right.  Read about him here, it’s an incredibly compelling book.  Well, it is if you like studying serial killers,

5. McGruff the crimestopper: Recidivist or actual do-gooder?

known arsonist and suspected check forger.  fact.