Ok, this is my five six year anniversary writing for you all. I have a few favorite posts I would like to share. This page will be updated on Wednesdays. It would be really more fair to call this ‘personal favorites’ because I lack the initiative to actually research the data I have available to asses readership.
Sorry, this is woefully out of date. I will try and get some new pieces up in the coming weeks. 1.27.9
07.02.2008
Attention Dudes*
Do not date this woman. Do not have sex with her, smile at her, or ever buy her a drink.
This is Julia Lynch. Julia is attractive, young, smart, and successful. What’s not to like? Well, in Seinfeld terms… she is a bad breaker-upper.
She has had her last two boyfriends committed to mental hospitals.
The last guy was pulled out of work by cops and forcibly restrained and taken away because they believed he was a danger to himself. You can read the story here, because hopefully you don’t believe me. Stories like this are why god gave me a blog.
I mean, just look at that smile? Julia is in jail on an extremely serious charge, and could lose her medical license. Does she look traumatized, scared, or remorseful? This chick is three kinds of nuts. One must truly, truly appreciate Julia’s creativity as a scorned babe, though.
As a writer and observer of the absurd, I say Huzzah to Julia!
*originally published 11/03/2006
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06.10.2008
Ah, the power of the internet
See that silly post right below this? I was going to erase it, but thought you might enjoy the story behind it. Last night I was sitting with my brother in law having beers. Something came up about the shortage of tomatoes from the hurricanes in Florida this year. I said something like “I guess all the tomatoes come from Florida”. My brother in law (we’ll call him Larry) balked and said that was stupid. He then said that he just had some tomatoes that said ‘Jersey’ on them… and surely Jersey is not a place in Florida. I told him it may be, what did I know. He said ‘prove it on the internet’. I laughed it off and said it wasn’t worth the trouble and excused myself to use the restroom.
Instead, I came in here and typed up that little salvo below. I waited about an hour, until the conversation had changed, and said “Larry, why don’t we take a look on that tomato thing. I bet I was right!” The key to the illusion was letting him drive the internet. He asked where he should look and I said “just type in I am correct into any search engine and pick whatever comes up first.” So he did, and as you may know, this site will rank #1 on every search engine when those words are keyed in. There was my post, pointedly specific to our conversation. He said how did you do that, and I told him I was in the bathroom the whole time and don’t know what he is talking about. Now that, my friends, is what the internet is for!
All Tomatoes come from Florida
Most of them, in fact, come from Jersey, FL. Though this is regarded as common knowledge to most… many dense hangers on of the ‘I hear California makes tomatoes too’ school of thought still exist in the Southwest.
* original publish date 12.20.2004
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05.14.2008
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04.08.2008
Virginia is for …
You have heard the slogan on the license plates: Virginia is for Lovers. I have an amendment to that. Virginia is for: racists and misogynists. Stong statement, and I will back it up. The guy who was running for Senator in Virginia was George Allen. George is a racist, and a sister beater. George is a dirtball. There are probably plenty of sister beaters and racists in Virginia. Heck, maybe everywhere.
The problem with Virginia is that they almost elected the guy as their senator. Big Problem with me, that one. Allen’s history of duechebaggery is well documented. His sister wrote a friggin’ book about it. Know what that means? It was vetted by lawyers thoroughly. So, it is no secret. In fact, I am not even going to footnote my racists claims about him, because I have never heard him refute them.
So that is my beef with Senator Allen. If he were alone, no biggie. Frankly, it is none of my business how he feels about blacks or women. However, there are 1,173,805 voters who are ok with that. Over one million people in Virginia said “I know he has a seriously racist background, I know he routinely beat his sister so hard she wrote a book about it… but THAT is my guy to run the country. Allen’s background was no secret, and so now neither is Virginia.
So, does living in Virginia make you a racist and misogynists? After this election, it sure does!
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03.26.2008
nothing this week. Too busy to dig through the archives. Plus, when they are as fabulous as mine… it is tough to single them out.
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03.19.08
These two pieces are regarding Gary Barnett, Betsy Hoffman, and CU in General. These involve scandals that I won. They got kind of buried by the Ward Churchill scandal. I never forgot, though… and now neither shall you. Enjoy: .
this photo about says it all
Why Gary Barnett should be fired
ok, I’ll make this simple. First I should note I didn’t go to school here in Colorado so I have no vested interest either way. But, I am going to tell you why Coach Barnett should be fired without question regardless of the outcome of the 8 zillion investigations on the team and team activities. There are two, and only two scenarios. Know this, Coach Barnett denies having any hand in or knowledge of the activities in question.The activities in question are, to clarify: strippers, prostitution, underage drinking, rape, rape cover up. So, what are the two possibilities of the ‘Barnett Defense’?
1) coach Barnett -knew about strippers being hired and keggers being thrown for high school recruits and multiple allegations of rape and he is lying. So he should be fired for lying and covering up. Right?
2) coach Barnett really did not know that high school recruits were having underage keggers, prostitutes, strippers, and woman were being raped. If he truly did not know this was going on right under his nose all these years he should be fired for being an idiot. A coach should know everything about his players comings and goings. Right?
Either defense is unacceptable, and either defense would have gotten me fired at my job. Bonus douche-baggery from Barnett; his response to the kicker saying she had been raped while on the team, for that the coach should be beaten half to death. Why? His response to the rape allegation was
* post scriptI wrote this on 02.18.2004. They didn’t take my advice and fire Barnett for the scandals above. Nor, did they fire him for the coverups and lies about the scandals above. Nope. I mean, they fired him in December 2005… but for losing 70-3 on national tv. Worse, they ‘bought him out’. This means he got 3 million to walk away. Now, let’s just to a little later in the scandal.
are you kidding me?
You may have wondered how far up the ladder the CU recruiting scandal goes. You may have wondered how in the world Gary Barnett didn’t get fired after investigations showed him responsible for many of the reprehensible acts going on through the years. They even have proof of Barnett covering up rapes. Dear reader, we now the extent of the damage… it goes all the way to the top. CU President Elizabeth Hoffman is responsible for the culture of sexist tolerance and must be removed from office.
How do I know this? I know this from a little gem of a statement made by Ms. Hoffman this afternoon where she defends the use of the ‘C’ word. The word is so vile, that I myself in conversation with other guys while drinking and playing poker still call it the ‘C’ word. President Hoffman said this “it can be used towards women as a term of endearment”. Go ahead, get a glass of water. Come back and read that last sentence again.
You might want to know she is talking about a rape victim. Instead of condemning the rape, or the players who raped her, or how she was treated… she defended the football players who raper her. After you have done that, pick up your phone and call your congressman to demand her resignation. Why? Because this is a public school, which means you pay her salary.This sort of genius of public relations reminds me when Arizona Governor Evan Mecham defended his use of the term ‘pickaninny’ to describe blacks as a ‘Term of Endearment’. True story, and he was promptly run out of office between indictments and a recall.
Lemme tell you friends, this isn’t about the thought police or being politically correct. This is social intolerance that belongs nowhere at no time. Now, why don’t you drop her a line at elizabeth.hoffman@cu.edu (link dead, she fired) and tell her what you think. Then, drop the Denver Post a line at openforum@denverpost.com I pray when you read this that it is national news and you are tired of hearing about it. Now, drop a line to the Univeristy itself here at presofc@lamar.colostate.edu If not, please send this to everyone you know.
I don’t even need the traffic, just copy & paste the words. Maybe give her a call at 303-492-6201, at press time (5 pm Tuesday) her voice mail was still accepting messages. Go ahead and call her, you can bill it to my house.* update > they did fire Betsy Hoffman… but it was for the Ward Churchill scandal. Here is a yummy timeline from our friends at the Post.
_________________________________________________________ 03.12.2008Original air date August 1st, 2005.
A open letter to Rockstar games
Dear Rockstar games, I recently had a troubling experience with a product of yours and wanted to bring it to your attention. For years now, my family and I play ‘Vice City’ on Tuesday nights. It’s family thing, we order pizza and snuggle up to the big screen for some family bonding. Before this last weekend, we always had fun with your product. Me and my son Jeremy compete to see who can steal the most money from the hookers we beat, whereas my daughter Tamara is a straight up cop killer.
The game might not be public school education, but here in Douglas County my kids need any kind of inner city simu (and stimu)lation.So imagine my horror when we were playing last weekend with my mother in law. She picked up a hooker at the bank she was robbing and was ordering ‘hot coffee’. If you know Elanor, you know she loves an after dinner coffee.
big mistake
Turns out… hot coffee was a code for sex. Yeah, the ’s’ word. Believe it, right there on my own home television… a pixiliated nipple on a 2 inch character. My kids just started crying ‘Why, Why, how does this serve the storyline?’. Astutely, Jeremy noted this was more of a distraction from the key plotpoints? Really, objectifying women does little to illustrate the illegimacy of corrupt police and the decaying moral fabric gently hinted at by the games designers.”It breaks my heart to see a nice company such as yours sully the reputation of mafia hit men and whores with sex!
This game was once a learning and development tool for the kids. Jeremy learned his first ‘F’ bomb from the game, and now he is just ashamed. I fear after this whole ‘coffee-gate’ scandal is over… my daughter might never have the courage to shoot an officer of the law again. Little Jeremy won’t even steal a car anymore.
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The Rabies Test
God forbid your doggie ever get rabies. He probably won’t, though. In fact, I have never heard of a dog getting rabies in my life. It happens in movies, though. Specifically, it happens in a Steven King movie. Know what that means? If you dog ever gets rabies, he will murder you in your car. Just a friendly heads up.What is terrible is that if your dog gets rabies, he will die. Here is the kicker, though. Know how they test your dog for rabies? They have to kill your dog to test him. Do you see the problem with this? The only way to test if your dog will die is to kill him. Can you imagine how pissed you would be if you had your dog ‘tested’ for rabies and he was negative? “Well, the good is your dog was just fine… was.”So, just exactly what is the virtue of getting a rabies test? There are just so many problems with this. Let’s use some analogies: the only way to find out if you are getting fired tomorrow is to quit ahead of time. Does your airbag work? Let’s hit this wall at 50 mph to find out. Think this gun is really loaded? You get the idea. Just get your dog the stupid rabies shots so we don’t have to find out.________________________________________________________________________
Give it to the kid, mister
There is a growing movement at our local ballpark, and I wanted to share it with you.Apparently, when someone catches a foul ball at Coors Field, the crowd will yell “Give it to a kid”. Awww, isn’t that sweet? Let’s do something for the youth, right? Give that kid a gift that will last a lifetime. Awww.You might guess that I am not onboard with this. Not remotely. I have never caught a foul ball, but I seek to. Now, I am not going to go all Costanza on a kid and push him over to get one. But, if the ball comes to me, I am keeping it. Seriously. Fuck the kid._______________________________________________________________________02.28.2008ok, I have been lax on this… but I have the stomach flu. I will be soon post-posting a few months worth of ‘hits’ that will automatically update on Wednesdays.2.12.2008Our first installment will be a series I call ‘a good smackin’. It is about folks who have uniquely serious problems (like healthy folks who saw their own legs off)… then declare their problems a disease. It’s not a disease, you are just a defective freak. So, enjoy!______________________________________________________________________
A good smackin’!
Well, a study came out that says Prozac is helpful in treating teenage depression. We also know that Ritalin is helpful in treating ADD in kids. You know what we called kids with ADD when I was young? A spaz! You know how you ‘treat’ a spaz? A good smackin’! Trust me, that will calm a kid down quicker than all these narcotics you’re feeding them. As for depressed teenagers? Yup, you guessed it… a good smackin’!Besides, after feeding enthusiastic kids Ritalin for 10 years you know what you get? You get a desensitized teenager. That might look a lot like depression, because you have fried his synapsis and crushed all his natural emotions. I was a spaz, they called me motor-mouth. I was a depressed teenager too. No ritalin, no prozac for me… just plenty of smackin’ all around.Look at me, I turned out fine____________________________________________________________________
Are you crazy?
Good news, you are not. There has been some debate over what crazy is, where it comes from, can it be treated. I used to think I was crazy for the longest time, really. I used to think I would spend life alone as a weird eccentric on the beach in Mexico… and I was good with that. Turns out I ain’t crazy, just strange. Nothing wrong with that, eh? So, what is crazy? This is crazy. Let’s hear from one of these folks now:
It is a story about people who amputate stuff off themselves because of a negative body image. It begins with a guy who methodically, and personally (meaning, without medical assistance) froze off his legs with dry ice so they would be removed. That is some crazy. I ain’t talking about Uncle Lenny crazy… I am talking about that fancy store bought crazy. Anyhow, Doc says this:
The rare condition is called body integrity identity disorder, or BIID.
No sir, this condition is called crazy. In fact, it ain’t a condition at all. Three people don’t constitute a condition. There are three guys are work right now with black eyes they got from their wives. Is that a condition? Nope, just three guys who drink too much and needed a good smackin’.Ooohh! Lookie at this quote.
aside from this obsession, First said his BIID patients can appear to be mentally healthy
I beg to differ. If you run across someone sawing off their arm in the park… you know something is up. You know they crazy! To be fair, this is the last words of one of the dudes who amputated his legs and arm: What the hell was I thinking?Now, don’t you feel better about yourself?__________________________________________________________________________
Oh, now it is a disease
You know I like to talk medical with you folks, and lord knows I am qualified. You remember some time ago we talked about how America is tranqualizing their teenagers, then wonder why they get depressed. At the time, my diagnosis for a troubled or anti-social teenager is a good smackin’. This would save American businsess exactly one kazillion dollars in fees, lawsuits, and medication subsidies.Shortly after my breaktrough on teenage problems, I broke the news right here in these pages that people were chopping off their limbs on purpose. Don’t worry, some doctor gave it a name (body integrity identity disorder) and now they ain’t crazy… it was a disease. That is what the doctor says. Guess what I say? They crazy. I mean, like, still votin’ for Ralph Nader crazy.As I write this, Mayo clinic researchers are beginning to study the medicinal value of a good smackin’ and are seeing great potential. You can thank me for that. I am working on the patents now.I can’t solve everything folks, but I thought you should here this from me. Are you a bad driver? Are you a total asshole in traffic? Don’t worry, you aren’t a dick… you just have the very recently discovered ‘intermittant explosive disorder’ . This is the new term for road rage. CNN actually catalogued this story with their diseases section today (check the URL). Well, that excuses everything doesn’t it? In fact, I am going to go back to running motorists off the road… and then sue the government for violating my civil rights because I have ‘intermittant explosive disorder’.It gets better. In the study, they mention this little gem:
Most sufferers in the study had other emotional disorders or drug or alcoholproblems and had gotten treatment for them
Oh really? Highlight this part, ‘other emotional, drug, or alcohol problems’. So, this isn’t about road rage at all, is it? This is about jerks. I know, I am one. Being an asshole is not a disease, though it can be fatal. Don’t worry, they have a treatment for that… it is not booze. Nope, my suggestion is cheaper and safer for all involved. A good smackin’.I mean, like… baseball bat to the head kinda smackin’. Tell me if that cures your road rage, you little Jetta driving in and outta every lane in a huge hurry because you are 23 and you are late for your shift at Burger King you little Good Charlotte listenin’ to fuckstick.
