Dear reader, after much vetting by my posse*, I am pleased to formally announce my bid for Senator of the great state of Colorado. My press release follows. It is about 30% longer and at least 7% funnier than the original.
* by posse, I mean my mother
(dramatic voiceover) My name is Lono, and I approved this ad.
Lono for Colorado Senate
Coloradans, much like the rest of the nation, are growing tired of partisan politics and business as usual. They are growing tired of political scandals and their officials pandering to lobbyists. I am running for Senate on the unique platform that after me, you won’t have to vote anymore! How many of those soulless suits on the ballet can promise that? If you take a good look at my campaign, it is clear it has ‘one termer’ written all over it.
My position on the issues? Frankly, those aren’t your business, mister. As for my character, let me say you will not find me nailing big breasted interns on the job, or doing lines of blow off their asses. No sir, the only big breasted woman on the payroll that I’ll be nailing on your tax dollar will be my wife… one of them anyhow! How is that for family values? Are you tired of politicians who will only vote along party lines? That ends with me, bubba, for I will vote only for things in my best interest. I’ll do more than stand up to the lobbyists… I’ll stand up to the biggest political action committee of them all… you, the voter! I won’t even take calls or open your mail, that is how sure you can be I am free of corruption and special interests.
Are you worried about career politicians who grow complacent? How do you feel about term limits? Well, if history is any indication, a series of indictments will have me out of office within the first few months. I am no life long public servant either. Frankly I have always been suspicious of those super helpful types. I think you’ll find my new campaign slogan in perfect keeping with your core values:
Lono for Senate – He’s never helped Anybody
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