a few words on Texas

Seriously you guys, what is the deal with Texas? I was there this weekend, and I can only say this: it was exactly as I imagined it. This is not a plus, my friends. Texas is weird. I would say it is like its own country, but that is exactly what Texas wants to hear. How can I describe Texas to someone who has never been there? Lemme try this: Texas is this guy you know from school. He is a total dick, but you can’t really ignore him because he is really influential for some bizarre reason. Texas constantly refers to himself in the third person, which is the worst. There is no one on earth who is more interesting to Texas than himself, Texas. Texas begins every sentence like this “Well, you wanna know what Texas thinks?”. Your buddy Texas also calls everyone who doesn’t have a severe gun collection either a faggot or a commie. Either one seems to fit Texas fine. It seems everyone in Dallas drove a car with a Texas related sticker on it. I mean, their football team is called… are you ready for this… The Houston Texans. Dude, we get it already, you like Texas.

This is an example of some of the many frightening little sociology lessons I got while I was there: I spotted this bumper sticker: I’m not from Texas, but I got here as quick as I could.  There is a great saying that really sums up everything – the world looks at America the way America looks at Texas.  There is a fascinating sociology of Texas that is like nothing I have ever seen or even heard of.  Texans favorite thing is Texas.  I’ll try and communicate this the best I can.  When people leave a place, they often remember it very fondly.  They will romanticize this place, say college for example, and remember only its best attributes.  People do this with the deceased all the time.  People like to look back at a more innocent and perfect time in their lives, and remind us how great it was then and there.

This is how Texas people feel right now.  Mind you, these people have never left Texas.  They love Texas like they were kidnapped from it, and fought like a Bruce Willis movie to get back.  It seemed everyone in Texas had a bumper sticker saying something about how great Texas is.  Who does that?  Do you think Dave Matthews has a bumper sticker on his car that says ‘I heart Dave Matthews’?  Do you think Terrell Davis walks around his house in a novelty Terrell Davis jersey?  I imagine people in Texas don’t vacation.  If you ask them, they would say ‘vacation from what?  Ain’t nothin better than right here!’

Look at these stickers.  These are things you might see from people who used to live in Texas, and remember it fondly…  like you might have an ‘ASU Alumnus’ license plate holder thingy.  Nope, there are things you will see on cars in Texas.

To be fair, I was only there about four days.  I had an excellent trip to Dallas.  Honestly, everything went well.  People were nice, weather was pleasant, the architecture is horrible (they put metal sculptures up everywhere.  It’s weird).  I am not grinding an axe with the whole state because of a bad weekend… or because they let our president get murdered.   None of that, I enjoyed it there and would go back.  The people who live there, though, have this weird ass Stockholm syndrome*** thing that is super duper creepy.

*** Stockholm Syndrome explanation for you

*** Stockholm syndrome for Texans

impression for me. But, the people of Dallas were pretty decent to us. If you are interested, here is why I was in Texas for the weekend. Plus, I went to see the grassy knoll Kennedy site which was extremely cool.

texas shirt

Years ago, I saw a meme that summed everything up.  It went something like this… more or less “the world looks at America the way America looks at Texas”.

“The first word that comes to mind when I hear the word America is ‘Arrogance.’ They are big and loud and they are in charge of everything.” – Christopher Darroch, 39, actor, Toronto


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