How to Cook

Dear reader
, it has recently come to my attention that you don’t like to ‘cook’. This concerns me, because winter is here and football season is here and the holidays are coming up. You don’t want to fail at the holidays, do you? Of course not, because you have already failed too long at too much. I love to cook, and I am going to share the secrets to you!

First off, cooking doesn’t mean much. You know what cooking is? Making food hotter than it was before. If you are eating something warm and haven’t died… you are a successful cook. In fact, if you had a catch phrase you’d probably be on Food TV already. Surely, you can do that… right? There is virtually NO harm you can do in cooking outside of: starting a house fire, or dealing with raw chicken. If you are new to cooking, don’t deal with raw chicken. Too many cooties, seriously.

So how do you cook? Take some stuff you like that you have had at a restaurant before, like hamburger (or fish, or seafood, or puppy dogs). Put some raw meat in a pot or skillet. Now add onions and garlic. Why? Because if you aren’t cooking with onions then why are you cooking? Dice fresh onions and garlic. Only add the garlic at the very end. You should know that garlic is a fragile little bastard and has to be watched. Now, add a fat pinch of salt and fresh cracked pepper. If you are using pepper from a shaky thing, either go buy a ‘pepper mill’ for about $10… or never talk to me again. Another point, don’t use the high stetting on your stove top to cook… EVER. Unless you are boiling water, use some finesse and keep heat low. You aren’t in a hurry when cooking. If you are in a hurry, go back to McDonald’s, you fat fuck. Cooking is about the fun and the process. Have some wine, listen to some music… it’s all good.

Oh, and I forgot this step. Throw in some butter. NOT margarine. If you are white like me (and I know you are) you grew up eating margarine instead of butter. The thing is our parents were told that butter and salt would kill every one of us at 30. They were wrong. It turned out to be American Foreign Policy there were talking about. So, just buy the goddamn butter (unsalted, not sure why but it’s what all the cooking books say)!

part two, and yes there is two parts and I hope you have read through before starting:

boil a bunch of water. Throw in either spiral or elbow macaroni into the boiling water after you have added a pinch of salt to the water. Set the timer for about 8 minutes. This means your hamburger mush should already be going.

guess what, 10 minutes later you have Gulash! You can change any single ingredient and make any dish in the world. Put in sausage instead of beef, now you have some kind of yummy Mexican goodness. How about rice instead of pasta (same instructions, but rice takes exactly 20 minutes)… now you have an Asian dish or jumbalaya. Heat, meat, and onions.

Point being, cooking is fun. All that is required is a stove, a pan, and whatever is in your fridge that hasn’t gone bad. Now, put that stuff in a pan and heat it up. Eat it ten minutes later. After that, you will learn what you do and don’t like… so each and every time you cook you will make better food through trial and error.

oh, and there is a super bonus to cooking. You will live forever, because you control every single ingredient. Know what high fructose corn syrup is? Well, it’s poison… and it is in about every single thing you buy. What the ____ is Monosodium Glutamate? Well, it doesn’t make a difference if you are cooking it yourself. Next, we’ll discuss sauces.


2 thoughts on “How to Cook

  1. ooooohhhhhhhhh sauces….

    damn you are really setting the literary world on fire…Emeril.

    You are a sad sad sad person…

    I miss the REAL Kevin…the republican hating, trash talking, Jon Stewart wanna be that was once my brother…now all I have is a memory and a six coumn inches on GOOLASH…what the fuck?

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