Wow! I mean, wow. I have a lot of apologizing to do.
First let me state that I did not win Powerball tonight, despite that many calls to your cell phone implying otherwise… but that isn’t why I am writing. I am writing because I feel I handled things poorly. Turns out the numbers by buddy Larry gave me earlier were not the winning numbers, and I am not the proud owner of a 340 million dollar winning ticket. That being said… I want you to know that I value each and every one of you. Specifically, though, there is some stuff I need to clear up.
To my friends: You are not abhorrent dickwads, nor the mayor of jerktown (population you). That was a census error on my part, for which I accept full responsibility. Your woman is not a fat pig, nor are your children untalented and unbearable no talent ass clowns. This was a temporary lapse in judgement which we have all faltered from.
To my work: I do not quit, and you do not have to go fuck yourselves. That was a lot of caffeine and sugar talking. I did not key your cars, nor did I shit in your briefcases… as was previously (erroneously) reported. I value both you and my job and ask you to take me back. Please!
To my wife: You are not a gold digging whore who has seen the last of this sweet sweet ass. I handled that poorly, and beg of you to let me come back home. Please know that you are number one in my life, and had I won I would have absolutely shared every penny with you. Besides, my lawyer says you would have taken half anyway.
To my lawyer: I have only known you for about four hours, so it’s not like we were close. Also, technically you were on ‘retainer’, right? Thing is, I didn’t win the lottery and do not need the following services that I so desperately requested ealier: a divorce, an emancipation from my family, diplomatic immunity, quit claim deed to my house and truck, a safe deposit box under the name Archibald Leesh in Acapulco, 300 million dollars in non transferable Swiss francs. Really, there wasn’t much of that you probably got done in four hours… and I only actually have $38 currently in my account.
To my peers at work: You need not ‘suck it‘. That was taken out of context and frankly at least half my fault. Regardless of what I said, I have always liked you and have not slept with hardly any of your spouses recently.
To that cop: I have never hit a cop before. That is not my style, and I pray the court for lenience. It was bad judgement on my part, and probably not nearly as funny as it seemed at the time. That being said, it was pretty awesome. I mean, don’t hit a cop. If you do, though, hit him really hard… it’s rather cathartic.