My Resume – lightly falsified

There is a story in the news today about CEO’s and such falsifying their resumes. Now, we are not talking about a janitor calling himself a ‘sanitation technician’ or a drop out gas station employee as ‘lawnmower technician 2’. Nope, we are talking about fictionalized degrees. The story came to light because it turns out the dude who runs Radio Shack claimed he had two degrees from a school. Turns out he had NO degrees. It gets better, one of the degrees he claimed ‘Psychology’ isn’t even offered at said school. That story, here. In a possibly related story, Radio Shack lost their ASS last year and are closing down roughly a fifth of their stores. That isn’t even the story, either. We are just building, so stay with me.

Some congressmen did some digging and found that

A recent congressional investigation uncovered 463 federal employees who had credentials from unaccredited schools giving bogus degrees, including three individuals with high-level security clearance.

Yup, high security clearance… fake resume. McDonald’s does more screening than congress apparently. So, how much trouble are those dudes in? NONE. Zip, zilch, donut, zero. Know that the government is looking to impose a laughable $1000 fine for Federal employees caught lying on resumes. So, where is the disincentive to lie? There isn’t. In fact, if Radio Shack weren’t totally losing their asses right now, dude would probably still have his job. So, in the spirit of current time… I offer a Jayson Blair/James Frey resume.

First, I am crazy hot. Also, I have several pulitzers for ‘Distinguished Bloggery’. I have an honorary degree from those Lampoon cats over at Harvard. I make sexy look dumb, that is how hot I am. This website receives 1,000,000 hits a day. I am deep throat. I am an attractive man, with a full head of hair.

aw shucks. Ain’t nobody buying that. Tell you what, I did lie here once. See that counter up to the left. When I installed it a couple of years ago, I didn’t want the number to start at zero. In order to falsify a dash of credibility, I started the number at 1,233. That was a lie. However, the number up there right now is accurate (minus 1233). That being said, we have 29,874 visitors since Nov 2003. I am glad we could talk about this. I have to go now, I have an interview with the suits at Radio Shack. I can use you as a reference, right?

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