You know I like to talk medical with you folks, and lord knows I am qualified. You remember some time ago we talked about how America is tranquilizing their teenagers, then wonder why they get depressed. At the time, my diagnosis for a troubled or anti-social teenager is a good smackin’. This would save American business exactly one kazillion dollars in fees, lawsuits, and medication subsidies.
Shortly after my breakthrough on teenage problems, I broke the news right here in these pages that people were chopping off their limbs on purpose. Don’t worry, some doctor gave it a name (body integrity identity disorder) and now they ain’t crazy… it was a disease. That is what the doctor says. Guess what I say? They crazy. I mean, like, still votin’ for Ralph Nader crazy.
As I write this, Mayo clinic researchers are beginning to study the medicinal value of a good smackin’ and are seeing great potential. You can thank me for that. I am working on the patents now.
I can’t solve everything folks, but I thought you should here this from me. Are you a bad driver? Are you a total asshole in traffic? Don’t worry, you aren’t a dick… you just have the very recently discovered ‘intermittent explosive disorder’ . This is the new term for road rage. CNN actually cataloged this story with their diseases section today (check the URL). Well, that excuses everything doesn’t it? In fact, I am going to go back to running motorists off the road… and then sue the government for violating my civil rights because I have ‘intermittent explosive disorder’.
It gets better. In the study, they mention this little gem:
Most sufferers in the study had other emotional disorders or drug or alcohol
problems and had gotten treatment for them
Oh really? Highlight this part, ‘other emotional, drug, or alcohol problems’. So, this isn’t about road rage at all, is it? This is about jerks. I know, I am one. Being an asshole is not a disease, though it can be fatal. Don’t worry, they have a treatment for that… it is not booze. Nope, my suggestion is cheaper and safer for all involved. A good smackin’.
I mean, like… baseball bat to the head kinda smackin’. Tell me if that cures your road rage, you little Jetta driving in and outta every lane in a huge hurry because you are 23 and you are late for your shift at Burger King you Good Charlotte listenin to fuckstick.