I now know what I hate

 

Don’t worry, I still have it in for Tom Kinkaid, but I hate this more. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I could teach a two year course on why this sucks, but I’ll give you the talking points… to impress your friend.

1. I am tired of looking at babies. Guess what, they all look the same.

2. Secondly, this is exploitation.

3. Thirdly, this is not art to me… and that is the biggest insult to me of them all. Wow, you make babies look cute? You are a revolutionary! You are a friggin’ Ansel Adams! Maybe next you could take on some risque work like puppies or rainbows, you vanguard.

See, I work in a cubicle farm, just like a Dilbert cartoon. Every single female on the planet has one these schmaltzy infant art-porn pinned up. Aaarrgghh. You think I hate art, don’t you? I do not, I love and carry art in my soul every waking minute. What I hate is shit like this, packaged and sold as art. Making babies adorable is pandering. Oh, and wrapping them up in pretty fabric under hot lights is called suffocation where I come from. At least Wegman made his Weimaraners do silly things in their pics.

Art is high, art is good, art aspires, art loves you, art challenges you, and art hurts your feelings when necessary. To me, art isn’t Jackson Pollack snorting up a gram of paint and then sneezing. Nor is it visually stimulating or remotely impressive when Magritte does anything. Oooh, look > it is a guy, but with an apple in front of his face? What does the apple represent? I think it is subtext on modernization and man’s quest for his soul in contemporary times… as witnessed by the storm clouds in the back. Nope, sorry asshole. It is just a dude with an apple in front of his face. If you think that is heavy, maybe you should write Sue Grafton book titles.

Remember when you were younger, and you saw art that flipped your lid? Do you remember staring at paintings for 20 minutes trying to figure them out? Remember those amazing Dali posters you had? How about Georgia O’Keefe or Frida? That was some mind blowing shit, huh? Now you are being coddled by this pussy art. Remember rock radio? Remember what Clear Channel did to it, and why you don’t listen to the radio anymore? That is what Anne Geddes and Thomas Kinkaid are doing to art.

How about this guy?  Cage writes a piece of sheet music that is four minutes of silence…. nothing else.  Better?  A young fan does a cover of said song.  Seriously, he records a minute of silence and releases it as an homage.  Better?  First guys sues second guy because his silence sounds an awful lot like his silence.  Dumber still?  He sues for plagiarizing his silence.  THEN… he wins.  no… really, this all actually and completely happened

Ok, one last thing. I don’t care what your art teacher said, this isn’t art. This is a very very patient dude, that is all. This isn’t a movement, or a revolution. This is a dude with about 45 broken paintbrush tips and a deadline. I know you have it framed, but take it down. No one is impressed.

I love you, now get back to work.

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4 thoughts on “I now know what I hate

  1. I am amused and bewildered by the fact that you have now appointed yourself as an art critic. Your shit is someone else’s art and you can be sure your art is someone else’s shit.

    Your column wreaks of our grandfather screaming…music, that’s not music…Lawrence Welk…and polka’s NOW THAT IS MUSIC as you play your latest Bob Dylan record in which no one can understand what the hell he is saying.

    It is nice to know that you have become in part, our grandfather. Oh this is a sad day for IAMCORRECT.COM.

  2. First off, shut up. Secondly, I appreciate your feedback, now shut up.

    I was gifted with much in this life, and art critic is amongst those gifts.

    As for the Dylan cut, indeed no one can understand him. I only collect pre-1965 Dylan. Everyone knows that. What are you, a golden retriever or something?

    Lastly, as for the grandfather comment… you straighten up or we’ll go for a long pointless ride in my convertible whilst I hum loudly to an indescript tune.

  3. Dear ‘Grainger’,

    I should apologize, and clarify. Perhaps you thought this site was a forum… a give and take with the reader.

    That would be incorrect. See, what happens here is this: I expound on the truth… and then you may use this forum to agree with me. In fact, here are some cut and paste short cuts to use going forward when ever posting here:

    you were right
    you were correct
    how do you do it?
    what kind of name is Lono?
    Are you as handsome as you seem?
    you were right!

  4. How about changing the name of your website to…

    IamGeorgebush
    Iamamelonhead
    Iamunclefester
    Iamsinglecellparamecium
    Ilikeprettyboys

    This would be more reflective of your viewpoint than I am correct

    Sincerely,

    The Golden Retreiver

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