Today, Reverend Ted Haggard held a press conference to tell the world that he is 100% heterosexual. Apparently, he thought you should know, and he thought you would care. He has been in ‘treatment’ now for three weeks and he is all better. He is no longer thinking of smearing butter on male prostitutes, then layering them gently with cinnamon and confectioners sugar to lick them clean off the deck off a yacht in international waters. Nope. He is totally all better.
He will no longer be meeting with male prostitutes to not do meth together. No sir. He is not wearing a banana hammock full of sedatives and cocaine to church anymore, because could be construed gay. In fact, he is probably not plowing the hershey highway this very second as I write this, because of how gay he isn’t. He probably didn’t even just take a load to the face from a homeless bum behind the church for $25, while still in his priest’s robe.
You know what? That was tasteless and inappropriate and I apologize. The purpose of this piece is to mock Haggard, not gays. In fact, using the Ward Churchill methodology*, I am gay myself.
Nope, that stuff is behind him (I said behind… tee hee) after three trying weeks of ‘therapy’. It is official, he is not gay. Remember that scene in the movie ’40 Year Old Virgin’ where the two guys riff about ‘you know how I know you are gay’? Let me tell you one sure way to tell if someone is gay: If they hold a press conference to explain that they aren’t. For example, some years ago baseball star Mike Piazza held a news conference strictly to explain he wasn’t gay. I don’t know anything about Mike Piazza… except this… dude is probably gay.
See, with over 90% of the population being not gay, being ‘straight’ is implied. It is assumed you are not gay unless: you get caught having sex with men (like Rev Haggard) or you have a press conference to tell everyone how not gay you are (like Rev Haggard).
You see, Ted, no one cares if you are gay. It really isn’t our business. The reason why we want you to suffer greatly is because you spent your life telling gay people they would die in a lake of fire. Guess what, Ted, if that were true… you better have some fireproof swim trunks. Having a press conference doesn’t make anyone any more or less gay… it just tells everyone not to believe you.
* Ward Churchill methodology –see, when Ward Churchill got nailed for abuse, plagiarism, slander, threatening his ex wife’s family with murder, and libel (amongst other things) he demanded to be respected because he was a Native American. In fact, the only thing Churchill hasn’t got caught doing is this story on child porn. Let’s just type this sentence out so it becomes google searchable > Ted Haggard & Ward Churchill in child porn scandal.
Neither of them were involved in that. He explained the reason why he wrote an essay that justified every single murder on Sept 11th, 2001 was because he understood genocide. He claimed he was a victim of the man because he was a Native American.
Turned out, he isn’t really even that. He is like 1/126th American Indian. He is a douchebag. His American Indian status is so fictional that even the native American community does not accept him. He was not accepted into AIM, in fact. If that makes him a Native American, then surely I am 1/126th gay. I mean, who doesn’t think about Johnny Depp every night just before they drop off to sleep? Not me, because that would be gay! Ok, maybe a little.
In closing, Ted Haggard is one of the worst people alive. Not because he is gay. That has almost nothing to do with this, really. It’s because his life’s work to date is convincing young gay kids they are going to hell. This is what drives the horrible and disproportionately high rate of suicide by young gay males.