*** update below Feb 2019
*** update below – 12.4.15
When I grew up, the Guinness Book of world records was a holy and revered thing. It was reserved for the upper echelons of endurance and skill. Now, I think it may all be a croc. I was watching the Food Network last night, like I do every Sunday night at 11 pm. They were looking to set a Guinness world record for highest popcorn structure that looks like something. Someone already did something in popcorn that was 16 feet, so they wanted to do something that was 19 feet.
Really, is that a necessary or pertinent record? I was reminded of this when I watched the pancake challenge two weeks ago (same time slot), and their dude had not only won the ‘most pancakes made in an hour’, but was also the record holder for running a marathon whilst flipping a pancake the whole time. Really? Is that last one really necessary or pertinent? They kinda seem to be handing these records out willy nilly.
See, there is a reason why popcorn didn’t go to 19 feet before. There is a reason no one ran a marathon flipping a pancake before. No one cares. How about this? What is the Guinness Book of World Records record for still trying to use a chapstick way after it is clearly empty? What if I do that while walking around with three soup spoons in my pocket humming Billy Joel songs. Know what the record is for that? Guess what, there ain’t one (I looked). Ergo, I am making a run at it. The Guinness folks haven’t yet returned my calls, but expect to see me on the Food Network any day now, suckers!
I am not just complaining. I am also, as always, offering a solution to the problem. No new records for 20 years. You can only break existing records. Wanna set a new record for most people riding a bicycle backwards while reading Anais Nin and eating only vegan burritos made entirely out of rice that was disregarded publicly (the rice I mean, not Anais. saying things like ‘you call yourself rice? You sicken me!’)? Sorry, that is a new record, you will need to wait 20 years.
*** update, and proof, that I was Correct!
The Broncos just set a new Guinness record of most fake mustaches worn at a football game. Seriously, that was a thing, and now we win. But… what the fuck kind of odd and specific record is that? I mean, How about if I set the record for most people sitting at home in my house in their underwear updating their WordPress blog on a Tuesday night? Does that sound dumb? Maybe that is ‘world record’ worthy a story? Neither is running while flipping pancakes. Yeah, that happened… and more than once.
Fastest marathon flipping a pancake
While flipping a pancake continuously in a frying pan, Mike Cuzzacrea (USA) completed the Casino Niagara International Marathon (Buffalo, New York, USA – Niagara Falls, Canadian side) in a time of 3 hr 2 min 27 sec on 24 October 1999.
Oops, correction: there is a whole page dedicated to ALL the different pancake based world records. Here is a new record idea – Most bloggers who live in Denver, CO writing about how stupid the new Guinness records are? I think I just set it now… while wearing a toucan on my head, who is wearing a banana, which has a wool cap on it. Is that a world record? It is now, you food racists!
*** update Feb 2019
I figured out the whole point of the thing, and its not a surprise. Guinness charges $25K to certify anything. It all makes sense now, and perfectly reeks of the JD Power $50K charge to use their bogus endorsements. Local Denver fave Tom Martino used to charge $10,000 to be featured on his ‘troubleshooter’ approved list. This was supposed to be service businesses personally vetted by Martino and crew to be of good character and business ethics.
Give me $25, and I will call you a member of the Lono Approved List® I’ll even give you a logo, sucker!