the Pants lawsuit

In brief, there is a dude in Washington DC who is suing his dry cleaners for $54 million. This is a ma and pa independent shop of Asian immigrants who lost a pair of pants.

There is so very much to mock here, we must go slowly. Today, in our first installment, let’s evaluate Judge Roy Pearson’s $54 million dollar pair of pants. They are described thusly:

Pearson said he brought one pair in for alterations and they went missing — gray trousers with what Pearson described in court papers as blue and red stripes on them.

“Gray trousers with blue and red stripes.” Firstly, let’s look at what we can agree is a pair of gray trousers. This is a pair of gray trousers:

We can agree those are some gray trousers. So, what then might gray trousers with red and blue stripes look like? Well, I had a court room renderer art guy mock one up for you. This is from the actual transcripts (which have not yet happened):

I don’t see how these pants are worth $54 million, quite frankly. Also, if I owned these pants, and then somehow lost these pants… it would be my own joyous secret. It’s sorta like those folks who get hit by frozen blue poo from careless airlines and then sue. While I imagine that is a pretty terrible experience, nothing could be worse then being known as the ‘flying blue poo’ guy for the rest of your life either.

Well, now we know there is a class of people who think ‘jackpot!’ when the absolutely absurd happens to them. How absolutely absurd? The suing pants guy is a friggin’ judge! I am milling another title for my next post on this, as it will surely grow even more absurd as the trial date nears. How about this? Judge Roy Pearson is an asshole. Also, going forward… I think we’ll just call them ‘pants’ like everyone else on the planet does.

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