Ok, hopefully you heard that last week some hillbillies found bigfoot. Tell me you caught this story. Ok, here it is if you didn’t. I say hillbillies because they are. How do I know, why do I say that? What am I, racist? When it comes to hillbillies, you bet your ass, crackers. These two Cleetuses (or is that Cleetii) wore baseball caps to their press conference last Friday announcing their find. Really? The biggest scientific find in history and you two dipshits wore baseball caps. In addition, if you know your bigfoot mythology, you know that bigfoot is a Pacific Northwest phenom. These two Billy Bobs live in Atlanta, though. They claimed they found bigfoot in the woods outside Atlanta.
Anyhow, they promised us it was real. On Friday, they promised us DNA proof. It was all over CNN Headline News, all day. People were suspicious, though, because one of the discoverers is a known bigfoot hoaxer. His name is Tom Biscardi, and this is his third claim he found bigfoot. That is why no one took him seriously when he announced this last week. Reporters showed up to the press conference in Chewbacca costumes to taunt the inbreds. I can be mean like this because we found out today it was officially a hoax. How? They got the DNA sample back, it was Opossum. That is moonshine speak for big fucking rat.
That isn’t why I am writing at all. You should know that by now. The reason I am writing is this. I don’t know if there is a bigfoot. My hunch is not. But, if there is… I need him/her to read this. We need bigfoot to show up to Tom Biscardi’s house. Please, oh please do this. Bigfoot, show up at Tom’s house and just chill. Grab a beer, eat a cat. Why? Because Tom will call the media. Tom will take pictures. Tom will have proof… finally. Know what? No one will believe him. He is the boy who cried wolf.
Right now, the safest place on earth for a bigfoot is at Tom’s house. Tom Biscardi’s house is the only place on earth that NO ONE will ever look for a bigfoot again. Bigfoot, you will be safe there. Tom would have pictures, DNA, film, tracks, fingernail clippings. Tom would have anything necessary to prove bigfoot… and no one would even take his call.