You may have heard that the Federal Govt (which hipsters just call ‘the Fed’) is about to bailout Lehman brothers. It some big investment something or other, I guess. Last week, they bailed out Freddie Mac and Fannie May lending companies. What does ‘bailout’ mean? I means your tax dollars were used to buy these companies, and you won’t get shit for it. I hate bailouts, I think I have talked about this before regarding United. Maybe you went out of business because you business model sucks ass. Maybe you should be out of business. Why the hell should I bankroll your suck ass leadership?
Regardless, it is happening. So, I would like to propose a bailout of my lemonade stand. I pay two kids to run a lemonade stand around the corner, and we aren’t making any profit. So, why bail me out? Tell you why: these boys love candy and movies. They take their paychecks and get candy and go to the movies. If I have to lay them off and shut down, they won’t be buying candy and movie tickets. This not only sucks for the kids, but it also hurts the candy and movie business of my community. Not to mention the money not going into the tax base from those purchases. This morning, I saw the fire department pushing one of their vehicles to a fire. Yup, no gas money. If those two kids were still buying candy and seeing movies, maybe the fire department would be solvent.
Who else is impacted? My lemon vendor. I had been buying so many lemons from his small grocery store that he shut down the store and concentrated solely on being my lemon vendor. If I go out of business, he goes out of business. He, like me, loves whores. If we go out of business, it would pretty much devastate the local prostitution economy. Guess what those hookers are doing if I am not feeding them blow and cash? Yup, robbing your ass for a fix. I can not state this plainly enough, if I am not given a large and robust bailout from the Fed… crime will rise. Crime is expensive, and now you have no money to fight it.
Now you can see why the Fed bails out companies. Here is the thing, though. Turns out I make my lemonade with a proprietary mix of toilet and pond water. Isn’t that illegal? Used to be, until the Bush administration decided small businesses shouldn’t be hamstrung by regulation. Yeah, it’s disgusting, and has killed a few folks. Don’t worry, no one will sue me. The Bush administration is working on tort reform to protect businesses consumer complaints and lawsuits. So maybe, just maybe, no matter how good an idea it seems to bail me out… maybe I shouldn’t be rewarded for making such horrible lemonade. See, the free market should settle this fine. What’s funny is the Republicans are the ones who believe the free market solves EVERYTHING. Yet, these are the dingii who keep saving these companies. See, this government is very good at protecting me. The problem is, they have absolutely no interest in protecting you.
** post script > update
Lehman brother did go tits up today, as expected. Turns out they were writing terrible loans that they knew would never get paid off. So how did they make money? Told people they were great loans and sold them off. To build off my analogy > Lehman brothers were making their lemonade with toilet water this whole time. Someone finally called them on it.
I am Correct 
You sir, are correct.