i love wide receivers

chadjohnsonpic

I love wide receivers because they give us things like this to talk about.  If you aren’t a big NFL, you may now know… all wide receivers are assholes.  All of them?  Yes, all of them.  I was going to annotate this piece with a bunch of the higher profile stories.  However, there is genuinely too many to even choose from.

Ok, here is two from this year.  The Cincinnati Bengals have a wide receiver who was really good a couple of years ago.  Best in the business.  His name is Chad Johnson, but the media called him ‘Ocho Cinco’ after his jersey number (that’s 85, racists).  So, this summer he went and changed his name to Chad Ocho Cinco.  Yeah, that’s his name now, for reals.  The NFL wouldn’t get him change his name on the roster without warning, though.  So, they are calling him Chad Johnson this year.  Plus, he is TERRIBLE, and his team has a losing record.  Likely, he will be traded after this year.

What awesome about that?  Every football team already had a #85 on their team.  It is a common number for wide receivers.  They all use the numbers 80 through 89.

That isn’t our best story, though.  Oh no, our best story comes Plaxico Burress.  Plaxico has been in the news a lot.  He is labeled as a ‘troubled receiver’ because he doesn’t come to practice with his team.  Nope, too good for that.  Also, he doesn’t even call to explain why he isn’t coming to practice.  Just a no call no show, more than once.   So, the Giants, very wisely, suspended him for being an asshole.

Then, we find out this weekend he was in involved in a shooting at a club.  Initially, we were worried.   Then, big surprise… we find Burress might not be an innocent victim here.  This next sentence is so bizarre, and so perfectly describes a wide receiver in today’s NFL… I have to take it verbatim from CNN.

NEW YORK (CNN) — New York Giants star receiver Plaxico Burress was charged Monday with criminal possession of the weapon he shot himself in the leg with last week.

Ladies and gentleman, I rest my case.

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One thought on “i love wide receivers

  1. Where have you gone Joe DiMaggio,
    Our nation turns its lonely eyes to you.

    Maybe Paul Simon should change it to:

    Where have you gone Jerry Rice,
    Our nation turns its lonely eyes to you.

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