Dear reader, you are probably reading now thinking “Wow, that Lono sure is smart.” Or, maybe “Lono, you alone raise the discourse of the English Language.” Hopefully, you have even said “Lono, he is, like, jeopardy smart.”
Well, I thought that once. How about if I tell you the story. Jeopardy has an online test, so regular schmoes like you can test in. I mean, not you, but regular people. Yes, and I did that. What could be better? Those Hollywood game show suits could discover me from the comfort of my own home. Yup, I reckon I was Jeopardy material. It would be a ‘win win’ for everyone.
Now, the first test doesn’t count. I was on really good painkillers. I had reason. My online test was scheduled a month in advance, but I had knee surgery the day before my test. So, I had good reason to be whacked out… and I was whacked out. I mean, I still took the test, but I bombed it. My brain was mush and I don’t even think I was typing well.
The second time, though, that would be mine. I figured I was untouchable! I knew the format of the test from my vicodin experience, and so felt comfortable. I remember they asked a LOT of geography questions, so I kept a globe right in front of me. Lono, you will say. Were you going to cheat? Goddamn right I was, just like when I bombed the Mensa test. Oh yeah, cheat to win baby, I am heading to Burbank like the winner I am.
So, my test is all set up in two days. It would be a Wednesday evening, so I knew I was home. I set up a reminder on my laptop. I was NOT going to be on pills. Just me, a computer, and my dazzling college educated intellect. The big day for the test came. Wanna know how I did? So do I.
See, I spaced it. Totally forgot the whole thing. It was a good three or four days before I remembered it. I mean, to take the test and fall short still has honor. Forgetting the test altogether. That is just sad. I don’t think I am Jeopardy material after all.
If only your name was… B-O-B!!