Portland: Don’t F*** with our Fish!

If you like beating on women, Portland, OR is the place for you.  Am I saying that Portland condones assault on women?   Yes.  Yes, I am.  If you live in Portland, am I saying you will be attacked?  Yes, and likely be rabid fish stabbers.  But Lono, Portland is all progressive, right?   They have assisted suicide, urban planning, and all those rainy hippies.

They sure do, and to be fair, they are also super protective of their fish.  Now, allow me to elaborate.  First, dig this guy’s mug shot.


Now, dig this guys rap sheet, and the headline of the article:

Portland man gets probation after stabbing ex-girlfriend’s pet fish

Yeah.  Portland says, “don’t fuck with our fish”.  What’s the big deal?  I mean, he did it, right?  Yes, he did.  He is guilty of this thing.  You can tell from the picture.  They arrested his ass for that.  I am not concerned with that, even though I have fish… and love to fish.

No, my concern is the other stuff dude did.  The stuff he didn’t get arrested for.  Dig this little get from the police report:

According to an affidavit filed with the court, ******  had broken up with Fite, but returned to her East Burnside Street apartment in Portland last July 25 to find Fite lying on her bed. Fite wanted to get back together, but ****  didn’t.

When she told him she had plans that evening, **** refused to let her leave the room she was in, the bathroom, according to the affidavit. She tried to push past him. He threw her against a wall. She again tried to leave, punching him in the nose to get by. He grabbed her by the hair and threw her against the bathtub – ripping out her hair extensions and causing her to hit her head.

Because I am considerably classier than Portland, I have edited the victim’s name out.  The paper wasn’t so considerate.  Why?  Because women aren’t citizens, there.  Fish are.  In fact, I think fish can vote in Portland. Yes, but it gets worse.  He also did this:

When she returned with an officer, she discovered her fish, a brilliant purple betta named DeLorean, had been impaled on her wood floor.

Don’t worry, they busted this douche bag, and our fish are all safer as a result.  But, let’s back up for a second.  What about that other stuff he did… non fish related.  It would seem we have:

  1. Breaking and entering
  2. False imprisonment
  3. Assault
  4. Trespassing
  5. Generally douchery

That seems like some extremely serious stuff.  I reckon if you do this kinda stuff to a fish in Portland… it’s execution.  See, most places would put folks away for that, and for a long time.  Those are, in most places, felonies.  So, if you see this guy… get him to Texas.  They kill everyone.


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