Sara Lee is an uppity bitch

When I was young, I loved me some Sara Lee deserts.  This was my favorite, the cream cheese cheesecake with strawberries on top.  Mind you, this was an era before Food Network and all that.  So, to me… this was food porn.

I loved me some Sara Lee!  Hell, who didn’t?  I loved their slogan ‘Nobody does it like Sara Lee’!  You bet your sweet ass no one does it like her.  This food was the bomb, and they all seemed so nice over there at Sara Lee.

Turns out I was wrong.  Yeah, I said it right there… I was wrong.  Turns out that isn’t the slogan.  It also turns out that Sara Lee is an uppity bitch!  How could I turn on my old desert mentor like that?  I found out her slogan is actually ‘Nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee’.  Really?  No one?  As if to imply if you do not like Sara Lee… you are in the wrong.  It isn’t just pretentious… it implies you are an idiot if you don’t like her food.  I think I am pretty great, but I KNOW there are people who don’t like old Lono.  So, my slogan is NOT ‘nobody doesn’t like Lono’.  That would be a dumb move.  No, it remains… ‘I am Correct’.  You don’t have to like me, but I am Correct.

Guess what, Sara?  I know someone who doesn’t like you – me.  Yeah, put that in your slogan.  Then, go fuck yourself.  I will get my crappy frozen cheesecakes from Marie Calendars’.  I just checked, their slogan is

Well, we are proud of our pies.  However, we aren’t going to be a bunch of dicks about it like those smug bastards over at Sara lee ©

 

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