Good news, I am here to help you out!
No, I am not going to sleep with you. Everyone knows your junk is broken. I am here to be a bad male influence for your child. Listen, you are doing great with the parenting. I don’t want to parent your kid, I assure you. No, what I offer is a totally separate set of skills. You have worked extremely hard to raise a good kid, haven’t you. Frankly, you have done a little too well. I bet he has no idea how to roll a decent joint, does he? Exactly. That is where I come in.
In just a few short months I will teach your kid how to shotgun beers, how to lie to adults (just look them straight in the eye when you do it), how to take your parents car out in the middle of the night (roll it out of the driveway in neutral), how to steal beer from the fridge so the parents don’t notice (take from the back, not the front), how to steal and drink the hard alcohol and water it down for the grown ups.
This is just many of the skills I offer that your child needs. Doubt my credentials? Unwise. Here is his first test. Hand the little bastard and eight ball of coke. The first thing he is going to do is roll up a dollar bill, because he saw that in a movie. Bad idea! Way to fibrous, and you lost about 20% just stuck to the paper bill. No, you cut a straw at about 6 inches up. See how much blow I just saved your kid? He was being wasteful, and that isn’t how you raised him at all.
How about cigarettes? If your kid is going to be cool, he needs to start smoking asap. So, what does that little reprehensible shit say when he is caught with them? He says “I am holding them for someone.” That never works, trust me. Here is what the kid should say: “Nathan gave them to me, and I didn’t know what to do with them. I didn’t want him to get in trouble with his parents. I think he smokes.”
Does he know how to work a screwdriver and a clamp with some confidence? A beer bong does not just built itself, mom. Does your kid know how to pierce her friends ears with a heated up safety pin behind the dumpster at Safeway after school? Has anyone taught him how to clear the cache on the browser after surfing porn? How is he going to survive in college? Does he know how to give a fake name to that girl after having unprotected sex? Jesus, mom… you are setting your kids up to fail! How good is her fake ID? You don’t even know, do you? Just let me handle all of this.
He also needs to learn a couple of guitar chords, and how to play with knives. I am here for you, America.