Friday Fives

1. What is your favorite vegetable?

the pepper.  all kinds, bell, poblano, jalapeno, Serrano… you get the idea

2. What is your favorite salad dressing, sauce, gravy, or condiment?

       ranch with properly prepared, well cooked, french fries.  and it has to be a very specific ranch.  I can tell by looking at the ranch if it is right.  It’s not the stuff out of the salad dressing bottle.  It’s thinner than that.  Most village inn type places have a good ranch.  Also, you can’t get good ranch out of a packet… EVER.  It must be bright white, not yellow.  It needs to be viscous enough to be able to drink through a straw.  Are you with me?  I am extremely specific about how ranch should be.  The reason… when its done correctly, it is the yummiest thing on earth.  Ever since I was a teen, I have called us ‘the ranch generation’.  This was long before we were called ‘Gen X’.  Are you with me?  There is nothing more important that really good ranch.

      see this stuff?  WAY too thick.  If anyone brings this to your house, you punch them in the genitals, hard.  Then, when they leave, you call the police and tell them the person was drinking and brandishing a weapon.  More like this.  I don’t even know how to make this ranch, or where to buy it.  You have to get it from a restaurant.  Wing places usually have a good ranch.  I suspect the ranch is love is super watered down by restaurants.  If you see a packet like this, or this, throw your shoe at the manager.  Then, and only then, take a dump on the counter.   Then… you should probably leave.  Frankly, I think you over reacted back there.  These people are working for minimum wage and you pull this bs.  You know what, this is why no one invites you out after work.  Have you noticed that, yet?

3. What is your favorite culture’s food (American, Chinese, Creole, Indian, Italian, Mexican, Soul Food, Southern U.S., etc.)?

easy, mexican food.

4. What is your favorite beverage?

coffee, and heroin.  No… just coffee.  and smack

5. What is your favorite food?

well, didn’t we just cover that above?  I don’t think you worded the question well.  So… do you mean m favorite thing, in a singular sense.  The Gyro.  It is perfection, and I can’t find it anywhere.  EVERY place that carried it is gone.  It seems that serving gyros is business death.  I can think of 6 businesses in Denver who have gone under in the last five years.  By the way, I know you are thinking ‘what about sahara cafe, Lono’.  Nope, they changed their recipe, and I am pissed.  They had the most sumptuous gyro meat on earth.  There are two places left, up north, but they aren’t all that good.  Not worth a 45 minute drive, anyway.

also, if you ask a middle eastern place how to pronounce it, they will say “any way is ok”.  No it’s not, he is being nice.  Don’t be a douche.  Don’t say ‘Jie-Row’ or ‘guy-row’.   Say ‘year-row’ and they likely won’t spit in your imperial face.

Some time ago, I wrote an entire post just about gyros.  I could link it here, but I don’t think I will bother.  You have google, you lazy fuck.  Maybe if you didn’t spend your time shitting on restaurant counters, you wouldn’t be alone.  Jesus, look at you.  You disgust me.

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