*** update 5.8.13 > see below in comments, but not before you read this
I love movies. I especially love mindless action movies, and capers at the best. I have never, in the 1,043 posts here in almost ten years, ever done a movie review. That changes today!
So, I netflixed ‘Drive’. It is a story about a stunt man driver, who was also a criminal wheel man on the side… who was also an aspiring stock car driver. Sounds like a perfect way to break in my new bose stereo system with a big fat subwoofer.
Here is my problem with the movie. It contained none of the things above. It is possible my disc skipped, a lot. I expected car chases… there was one. Explosions? none. Criminal wheel man capers? one. Stock car driving? none. So, what happened for two hours? A lot of dude brooding. There is, literally, about 30 minutes of screen time of dude just brooding.
Oh, and he killed a couple of guys. Who gives a fuck. I didn’t buy a movie to see you kill people, I bought a movie to see you DRIVE YOUR FUCKING CAR.
Ryan Gosling owes me two hours of my life back. You know what? I don’t even want that name, Ryan Gosling, used on my blog until he apologizes. Going forward, his name is simply Not Jason Statham. What an asshole. Someone get me Jason Statham on the phone. Oh, and how was Statham not cast in this? This is the ONLY movie he does. He is a bad ass criminal driver. Seriously, he has 6 movies under his belt with ONLY this premise.
You see, this is the ONLY thing Jason Statham does. We are way past type casting. He makes one movie. bad ass criminal driver with a short temper… but a gift behind the wheel. Let’s look at the Statham cannon, shall we?
Each one of those movies is completely interchangeable with the other. I am not complaining, I have seen almost all of them. I love the Statham movies. They deliver, unlike this piece of shit. Also, I am hurt that they had the great Bryan Cranston and just wasted him. If you get Bryan Cranston on your set, you give him EVERY role. That guy is amazing. Also, Jason Statham is going to kick Not Jason Statham’s ass.