Louisiana – what the hell is wrong with you?

This piece is here to posit why everyone in the state is both incredibly dumb, and incredibly racist.  Now, allow me to ‘splain.

We are going to back to hurricane Katrina, and even shortly before that.  Let’s talk about FEMA, the much maligned and mocked ‘Federal Emergency Management Agency’.  Do you know why they are mocked, and do you know why they are so ineffective?  Allow me to explain.  President Clinton made a bold move back during his presidency.  He elevated Fema to a cabinet level position.

In 1996, the agency was elevated to cabinet rank.

This means they had mojo, and could do whatever they needed to do as they saw fit.  I think that is a pretty great idea.  Why?  Because, in times of crisis, you can’t have red tape.  You have to have people and policies and processes in place to be able to make swift decisions and take even swifter action.  Since that is all that Fema does, it makes sense.

Well, when GW Bush came into office, he eliminated that elevation and put them back to a lowly department status.

This was not continued by President George W. Bush.

Some would say it  is because the Republicans don’t care about poor people, and that is isn’t the government’s job to save your ass in a hurricane.  I would say that, too.  Because this perfectly proved it.  So, when hurricane Katrina hit, Fema couldn’t do anything without state and Federal permission.  Here is where it gets super fucked up, and in retrospect, super avoidable.   Now that Fema had no mojo, they could not go into New Orleans and take charge.  They had to get permission from the Governor to take over.  The governor, a (Democrat) fucktard by the name of Kathleen Blanco, didn’t want to hand over the state to the Feds.  It was a bureaucratic pissing match. They literally spent 4 days arguing about this, while people died on rooftops and in the super dome.  Blanco didn’t have the resources to rescue anyone, and she didn’t want to look weak and have to call in the Feds to bail her out.  So, people died because of politics, and because Bush screwed Fema by removing their cabinet level status.

I want there to be no subtext here, or implication.  I want to state my point explicitly.  People died because the Govt chose then to have a state’s rights argument.  Bush could have pulled the trump card and said ‘shut up, we are coming to help whether you like it or not’.  Now, FEMA itself could not make that call (thank’s to Bush’s dick move of pulling all their rank), but the Fed Govt under Bush could have.  When Kanye West said ‘George Bush doesn’t care about black people’, he was 100% right.  Bush, and Blanco, let all these poor people die.  Btw, you HAVE to watch this clip below.  Not for Kanye’s comments, we all know that.  Oh now, you MUST watch Mike Meyers reaction to Kanye’s comment at the 1:30 mark.  You can tell Meyers is reading off the teleprompter, and Kanye is just winging it.  His comments are pretty spot on, though.

This is why you might think that the good folks of Louisiana might be Democrats… after watching this parade of Washington Republicans leave them to die over a chess match, and completely neuter FEMA.  It is easy to make fun of all of this, but remember that when they finally could, FEMA did go in and built trailer cities for people to live in for free… just for being taxpayers.  After seeing what Federal Republican incompetence did to them, you might think they would be super sensitive to Mitt Romney saying he would absolutely eliminate Fema and “send it back to the states”

I could see the logic in that, but not if I lived in New Orleans.  So, why did I call the folks of Louisiana dumb and racist?  Well, we are getting to the dumb part now.  New Orleans is build UNDERNEATH sea level.  This is why it flooded.  The storm didn’t directly flood New Orleans.  The storm busted the damn that held the ocean at bay.  New Orleans is Atlantis… nay… Bikini Bottom… Bikini Bottom.  This will happen over and over and over and over when you build a city underneath the goddamn ocean.

Now, not only did they build a city on the coast, and under sea level… they also build between the ocean and Lake Pontchartrain.  Lake Pontchartrain is higher than New Orleans, just like the ocean.  Do you see how the flooding of New Orleans was absolutely inevitable?  Do you see how if you built a city underneath the ocean, you sure would want a politician who believes in FEMA.  Over and over again, the GOP has demanded to eliminate FEMA.  Funny thing is, the states that use FEMA the most are super duper red states.  That is part one of why the people are New Orleans are dumb.  Here is my rendering of the savvy placement of New Orleans between two very large and very high bodies of water.  You may not believe this, but I knocked this out with MS Paint in about 5 minutes.  I am now just waiting for the eggheads and the USGS to offer me a job.

What is part two, you ask?  what does that have to do being racist, you ask.  Being dumb isn’t the same as being racist (though, they are cousins).  We are getting to that.  So, let’s look at the demographics of people in Louisiana.  They are dirt poor, dumb as a rock, and most of them are minorities.  These points are pertinent because these are three key demographics of the Democrat party.  Poor, dumb, and minorities are our bread and butter.  Some would say the folks of Louisiana are all three at the same time.  So, after being routinely fucked over by the Republican led government, surely they would vote Democrat for President, right?

Wrong.  This, then, is part 2 of why the people are Louisiana are dumb.  They voted overwhelmingly against their own self-interest.  They voted for a guy who has ADMITTED he will leave them to die in the next hurricane.  Keep in mind, hurricanes are not a rarity in the gulf, they are a seasonal fact of life.  So how did they vote 58 to 40% in favor of the guy who wants to get rid of FEMA?  They did it.  They sure did.  Why?  Because the other guy running was black.  It is that simple.  It has to be.  Effectively, the people of Louisiana have said “I would rather drown from my rooftop then vote for a black guy.”  That is not a sweeping generalization, that is the factual data.  Don’t worry, I have plenty of sweeping generalizations to come, but that wasn’t one of them.

Mark Twain once said that there are three types of lies:  lies, damn lies, and statistics.  There is wisdom in that.  What there is not wisdom in is the electorate of Louisiana.   Now, surely I don’t think everyone in that state is stupid and racist, right?  There are probably plenty of other reasons why the vote went that way.  Do I believe every single citizen of Louisiana is a dumb fucking racist?  Yes.  Yes I do.  They have proved it with their actions, and now qualify as the most horribly ignorant and close minded people in America.  Your move, South Carolina.  You dumb sumbitches keep rebuilding a city that lives UNDERNEATH THE OCEAN.  You can do this all you want, I guess, but I ain’t giving you more money to do it.  If I wanted to watch my charity money go to get nothing done at all, I’d a given it to Haiti

* in running spell check, I was told that ‘fucktard’ is not a word.  Apparently, Microsoft has never been to Louisiana.  Pro-tip, right click over fucktard and hit ‘add to dictionary’… it will save us both a lot of time in the future.

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