Dance Monkey, Dance


1.14.17 – update at the bottom

When Ryan Gosling goes on Leno, he doesn’t have to do a scene.  The actors don’t have to travel the country performing the movie, like a band does.  Why not?  Also, they make WAY more money.  When a band goes on Leno, they don’t get to chat.  They don’t get to sit and ‘play a clip’ from the new album.  Why does the actor get to do that?  Shouldn’t he have to perform that clip right then and there… like a band does?  We are getting screwed! How is that for a teaser, crackers?

I am a musician.  I don’t really consider myself one.  However, since I play multiple instruments in a working band… for the purpose of this discussion… I am a musician.  I found something something troubling when I compare musicians to actors.  They say every rock star wants to be a musician and vice versa.  Which was is better?  Actor!

Why?  Musicians get tons of tail, drugs and booze and poor social behavior is almost expected.  Pretty great racket, eh?  When you walk on stage, to do your day job, thousands of people scream.  What is better than that?  Being actor, is, because he doesn’t have to.

When a musician makes a record, he then spends the next year traveling the world playing that record for everyone possible.  He only stops to record a new record, to repeat the process.  This is the exact same process for every musician ever.  That is work, man.  A ton of work.  You think they sleep all day and rock all night?  They don’t.  They have to get up at 6 am to do 2 hours of radio every day with Chuckles and the Cow on Cleveland’s morning zoo.

An actor, on the other hand, does something similar.  He spends 30 days making a movie.  Movies are  shot in 30 to 45 days.  Most records are recorded and mastered in the same time period.  They cost the same to the consumer, too.  For me to see a movie or buy a CD is $12.  The actor, though, doesn’t have to go out and act that movie out.  Why not?

The follow up an actor does after he makes a movie is to travel to screenings of that movie, and wave.  Also, they have to do interviews about the movie.  A band has to drive drive 8 hours a night from town to town to play to as many people as humanly possible just to make rent.  Why can’t the band, like the actor, just have the album play in theaters and then they could just to interviews about it?

Imagine the parallel.  If an actor had to travel to promote the movie, and do scenes in every town.  Not just scenes from this movie, but everyone wants to hear the classics.  Do the scene from that movie you did when you were 16… even though you are fifty now.  This is no exaggeration.  When I last saw Paul Simon live, 80% of his set was stuff he wrote and recorded 40 years ago.  Imagine if Tom Cruise is up there doing bits from Mission Impossible and the whole damn time the crowd is just screaming for bit of “risky business”.  Eventually, like aging rocks stars, Tom Cruise would tour the country doing nothing but ‘risky business’ scenes.  Drive 4 hours to Texas tonight.  When you get there, do an hour of new scenes and an hour of classic scenes.  You’ll make $500.  Pack up and do it again tonight.  and bring ALL the movie props.  Most national touring acts have several semi’s of crap to carry from town to town.  For the really big productions (like U2 or the Stones)… they have 2 matching sets of gear.  It takes so much time to set one up, that while they are playing here, there is an advanced crew already setting up the same stage in another city.

Think of it, who else gets to do what an actor does?  Go around and talk about what he does, but not have to do that thing?  When an author travels, he has to do book readings.  When you hire a plumber, he doesn’t sit on your couch and talk about great plumbing jobs of the past.  He doesn’t get to tell funny plumbing disaster anecdotes, and then show a clip.

How about a teacher?  My English lit teacher taught the same shit for 30 years.  The exact same.  Why not make a video of her doing that.  Then, just show that to the students?  If you go to a dance recital… those fuckers dance!  If you call a cop. he doesn’t swing by and show a clip of him busting someone recently.  He has to go out and bust the new guy, every time.  They don’t get magazine covers, they get shot at.

I guess I am just super jealous of the actors.  The guys and gals who don’t really have to do anything except talk about acting… and make more money and score more tail than all of us combined.

In closing, why don’t they do this?  How awesome would it be to see a movie done live?  Yes, I know it is called a play.  But, think if you could go the actual cast of mega stars do the new Avengers movie tonight at the Pepsi center.  With four semi’s of gear, they could do full sets, pyro, and wire work.  Tickets to see any national rock act are about $100.  I would pay that to see Iron Man done live in person with Robert Downey and Gwinney.

Look at this picture.  This is backstage at a U2 show.  I just read it takes 128 full semi tractor trailer rigs to move U2 town to town.  Tell me you couldn’t stage an AMAZING live movie with that much gear?  You can even give every single actor one of those super awesome Will Smith type rigs.  Think of all the life changing moments you have had at rock concerts.  How, think of how many similar life changing events you have had a movie theater.  Unless you are dating Alanis Morrissette, I am guessing concerts win out over movies.

Jesus, that got a little wordie and ranty, didn’t it?

udpate 1.14.17 – this has come to pass!

Now, James Corden brings out some of our most iconic and culturally significant actors to perform with him in real time. It’s carpool karaoke, but with actors acting!

to paraphrase a brilliant and fun acceptance  speech from a young Will Smith “I would like thank me!  Without me, none of this would have been possible.”

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