Friday Fives – zoo edition

Zoo Time:

1.  What animal is the undisputed the coolest in the zoo?

Elephant.  I mean, I prefer tigers, I think they are much more interesting and beautiful than a bengal tiger.  But, here is what is rad about elephants.  They have no predator.  What can take down an elephant, besides man with a gun (which is cheating).  Also, did you know elephants can swim?  They can swim like a mother fucker!  Well, one of them can.  There are African and Indian elephants.  One can swim, the other can’t.  You can bet they mention that a lot in conversation.

Hey Brent, look at all that food over there.  Man, it sure looks good.  Think I’ll swim over and get some, come with me”.  Ever seen an elephant doubled over in laughter?  They really crack themselves up.

2.  Let’s fill up the new Ark – which animal goes, which must stay behind?

most bugs stay behind.  Everything else is ok.  Even snakes and Republicans are ok.  diversity is the spice of life, eh?  But, bees and mosquitos and spiders can just fuck right off.  Go ahead, say it.  Say it.  Say “but spiders are good for the ecosystem”.  Say it, and I will punch you in the dick.  THEN, I will put a spider in your mouth as you gasp for air.

3.  If you visited the zoo, what would you find there?

I think we have to go right to the source on this one, noted zoologists Simon and Garfunkle.  Give it a listen.  It’s cheaky, but really picks up and gets great.

Giraffes are insincere,
And the elephants are kindly but
They’re dumb.
Orangutans are skeptical
Of changes in their cages,
And the zookeeper is very fond of rum.

Zebras are reactionaries,
Antelopes are missionaries,
Pigeons plot in secrecy,
And hamsters turn on frequently.

4.  If a stuffed animal from your juvenile past could come to life, describe him/her.

my teddy bear.  He doesn’t have a name.  BUT… i still have him.  Here he is.  Wait, I was going to take a pic of him, but I can’t find him. Stand by

5.  What is the worst experience you have had with an animal?

the little drop kick dog that bit me when I was a kid.  I LOVE dogs, as you know.  However, I deeply deeply hate small dogs.  I also think they are a poor reflection on anyone who gets one.  I look at people with little dogs and I think them defective.  Seriously.  Like… what is wrong with you?  that dog isn’t a companion or much, he can’t protect you, he can’t hunt for you.  What you have, effectively, is a cat.  I like cats, too.  But I don’t think of a cat as a companion or protector or great ally.


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