Hi. Come on in, have a seat.
Listen, I was in your room last night and I went looking through your music collection. Why? Because I am your father, and it is my job to meddle, that’s why! We need to talk about it what you have been listening to. First off, all this stuff that glamorizes drugs and sex, I couldn’t find any of it. Frankly, I am a little disappointed in you. I know whatever you and your buddies listen to is popular, but that doesn’t make it right.
Let me put it this way, If your buddy jumps off a bridge, does that mean you do, too? See my concern? There is not a single song on here glorifying peer pressure, let alone suicide.
How about this devil worshipping nonsense? I don’t see ANY of it here. How about these cigarettes? I just found out you really were holding them for a friend? Do you think smoking is cool, young man? Do you think it makes you look tough, or cool? Because lemme tell you something, buster… it does!
This stuff has real life consequences you need to understand. If you are going to live under my roof, you are going to have some rules! Do you think you can just tell your teacher to F off and walk out of class to impress your friends? Because you should, it’s a rush!
Your pretty little girlfriend that you sneak in the house when I am at work… you think we don’t know about that? She isn’t even pregnant, is she?
Your mother and I know about the liquor cabinet, too. We know the old tricks of drinking the booze and replacing it with water and food coloring. Listen kid, I invented that crap. We know when the booze is missing, and it wasn’t. Guess what else; How about that little stunt last weekend, when I came in your room? Do you remember how your promised to be home with my car by midnight? I checked on you. It was three in the morning and your mother and I were worried SICK about you. I found you asleep… at home… by curfew… what’s the deal with that? Are you 16 or not?
Are you cheating at school? Have you been copying your buddies test because you were too lazy to study? Cause… you should. Do you think you can just fake your way through life, and no one will notice? Cause… you can, and it’s WAY easier than working.
If I don’t start seeing some F’s on your report card, we are going to march down to your school and have a talk with your teachers. How about your buddy Derek? That little piece of shit who dresses like a hobo and has no respect for authority? The one who keeps getting arrested, and apparently has the most permissive parents in history? I heard he drinks at home, and he is only 15. He seems pretty cool.
I found your magazine stash under your bed. Yeah, you thought that was invisible because your mother and I never clean? Popular Mechanics? If your mother and I catch you with this shit again, you are going to be grounded. When you are grounded, young man, I mean the kind of grounding where you just wait until we are asleep and then go sneak out. I know this is rough and unfair. I know you think I am a bully, and the worst dad in history… and the courts have agreed with you.
but I need you to know that I love you. This is why I do everything I do.
* believe it or not, this isn’t even my first advice column. I have been helping parents for generations.