From the most recent 10 questions from the back page the most recent Time Magazine.
* ed note. My editor sent me these. It appears to be a questionnaire with inventor extraordinaire Arthur Dyson, and his answers removed. I shall answer the questions not as him, but as myself, were I a vacuum magnate. An asshole vacuum magnate, that is.
.
.
1. Having made vacuum cleaners , hand dryers and fans, you’ve now made a vacuum mop. Why would anybody pay 330 for a mop?
this is more than a mop. Do you people not read the fucking press release? I sent a goddamn $330 mop to your office 2 weeks ago to demo it. Do you remember that? I do, because your cub report Marla called it the greatest mop in goddamn history. She then went on to say with a mop like this, we would have beaten the Germans. That made me laugh. I rarely laugh.
Is freedom against totalitarian dickweeds worth $330 to you, chap? Because, it sure is to me. That, Lucy, is why someone would spend $330 on a mop.
2. All your products are about air dynamics. When do you decide, O.K., I’ve gone as far as I can go with this idea?
.
Lucy, that’s your name, isn’t it? Are you seriously asking me if I am done harnessing the very concept of wind? Lucy, are you a petrol lobbyist?
.
3. Yet, you’re not interested in wind power?
jesus fucking christ, Lucy. Did I ever say that? Can you find that quote for me, dear? Because, this is how I kinda remember it. I said to the London Times “wind power is the absolute future of all humanity, and I am but a humble servant”. Am I being punked here? Liam, Ashton? Where are you chaps? I must be on camera somewhere.
.
4. You’re a billionaire. What gets you up on the morning?
.
Correction; I am a millionaire. The idea of being a billionaire is what gets me out of bed. Also, and this is not common knowledge, but if you don’t return the hookers by 9 am you get charged for another day. It’s pretty motivating. A better question might be what gets you up in the morning, besides butchering the foundations of journalism, that is.
.
5. You’ve said you like hiring inexperienced engineers. Why?
.
Now you are getting it. That is a good question. I appreciate fresh young minds because they are not water logged with the dogma of things tried and failed in the past. I used to have a labor division of the greatest research minds in Britain. Every last one of them told me you can’t make a fan with no blades. The air has to be moved, and it can only be moved by the buffeting of blades. So, I fired them all, and my 16 year old intern then came up with this design. Go ahead, look here. Now, just imagine what I am doing with flight? You can’t, because it would make your head explode like a Scientologist who skipped to the end.
I know it’s a cliche, but I am not looking for people to tell me why things can’t be done. I am more interested in people who can tell me ‘why not‘?
.
6. Were you surprised by the success of your vacuum?
.
not even a little. I re-invented physics. That’s pretty fucking great, if you ask me.
.
7. Does it frustrate you that people are captivated by digital innovation and not engineering?
.
it used to, I’ll admit that. however, I have come to realize it means less competition. Do you know how many people are developing cellular communication and application as we speak? According to a recent census, the industry has 48,000 people working around the world on a better digital rubber band that looks more realistic for shooting angry birds. Know how many have been working on vacuums? Approx 8. It was 12, but I had four of them killed. It allows me to slow down and concentrate on making ideas great before they go to market.
.
8. How have you managed to stave off cheap copycats?
.
As I mentioned above, I had four of them killed. Industrial accidents are awfully common these days. Especially for hack engineers who steal my ideas. Isn’t that right, Chad?
.
9. And how’s that corporate-espionage lawsuit against Bosch going?
.
funny story. Ask Chad’s family about that one. They should be back from the burial anytime now.
.
10. You’re not a fan of Harry Potter – is it the broom?
.
Funny. May I steal that from you? No, I am not a fan of Harry Potter because it is a tired English stereotype. There is a perception in the Western World that we all have pet owls and lightning bolt scars. Plus, I designed a broom prop for a quiddich game that was never used in the film. Mostly, I am still bitter about that. Apparently, years ago, I may or may not have been responsible for the death of JK Rowling’s beloved Border Collie. It’s a funny story, actually. Anyhow, ever since then, it’s been a bitch getting producer credits on the set over there.
I am Correct 
