Friday Fives – sucks and blows edition

From the most recent 10 questions from the back page the most recent Time Magazine. 
* ed note.  My editor sent me these.  It appears to be a questionnaire with inventor extraordinaire Arthur Dyson, and his answers removed.  I shall answer the questions not as him, but as myself, were I a vacuum magnate.  An asshole vacuum magnate, that is.
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1.  Having made vacuum cleaners , hand dryers and fans, you’ve now made a vacuum mop. Why would anybody pay 330 for a mop?

this is more than a mop.  Do you people not read the fucking press release?  I sent a goddamn $330 mop to your office 2 weeks ago to demo it.  Do you remember that?  I do, because your cub report Marla called it the greatest mop in goddamn history.  She then went on to say with a mop like this, we would have beaten the Germans.  That made me laugh.  I rarely laugh.

Is freedom against totalitarian dickweeds worth $330 to you, chap?  Because, it sure is to me.  That, Lucy, is why someone would spend $330 on a mop.

2.  All your products are about air dynamics. When do you decide, O.K., I’ve gone as far as I can go with this idea?

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Lucy, that’s your name, isn’t it?  Are you seriously asking me if I am done harnessing the very concept of wind?  Lucy, are you a petrol lobbyist?

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3.  Yet, you’re not interested in wind power?

jesus fucking christ, Lucy.  Did I ever say that?  Can you find that quote for me, dear?  Because, this is how I kinda remember it.  I said to the London Times “wind power is the absolute future of all humanity, and I am but a humble servant”.  Am I being punked here?  Liam, Ashton?  Where are you chaps?  I must be on camera somewhere.
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4.  You’re a billionaire. What gets you up on the morning?
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Correction; I am a millionaire.  The idea of being a billionaire is what gets me out of bed.  Also, and this is not common knowledge, but if you don’t return the hookers by 9 am you get charged for another day.  It’s pretty motivating.  A better question might be what gets you up in the morning, besides butchering the foundations of journalism, that is.
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5.  You’ve said you like hiring inexperienced engineers. Why?
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Now you are getting it.  That is a good question.  I appreciate fresh young minds because they are not water logged with the dogma of things tried and failed in the past.  I used to have a labor division of the greatest research minds in Britain.  Every last one of them told me you can’t make a fan with no blades.  The air has to be moved, and it can only be moved by the buffeting of blades.  So, I fired them all, and my 16 year old intern then came up with this design.  Go ahead, look here.  Now, just imagine what I am doing with flight?  You can’t, because it would make your head explode like a Scientologist who skipped to the end.
I know it’s a cliche, but I am not looking for people to tell me why things can’t be done.  I am more interested in people who can tell me ‘why not‘?
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6.  Were you surprised by the success of your vacuum?
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not even a little.  I re-invented physics.  That’s pretty fucking great, if you ask me.
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7.  Does it frustrate you that people are captivated by digital innovation and not engineering?
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it used to, I’ll admit that.  however, I have come to realize it means less competition.  Do you know how many people are developing cellular communication and application as we speak?  According to a recent census, the industry has 48,000 people working around the world on a better digital rubber band that looks more realistic for shooting angry birds.  Know how many have been working on vacuums?  Approx 8. It was 12, but I had four of them killed. It allows me to slow down and concentrate on making ideas great before they go to market.
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8.  How have you managed to stave off cheap copycats?
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 As I mentioned above, I had four of them killed.  Industrial accidents are awfully common these days.  Especially for hack engineers who steal my ideas.  Isn’t that right, Chad?
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9.  And how’s that corporate-espionage lawsuit against Bosch going?
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funny story.  Ask Chad’s family about that one.  They should be back from the burial anytime now.
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10.  You’re not a fan of Harry Potter – is it the broom?
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Funny.  May I steal that from you?  No, I am not a fan of Harry Potter because it is a tired English stereotype.  There is a perception in the Western World that we all have pet owls and lightning bolt scars.  Plus, I designed a broom prop for a quiddich game that was never used in the film.  Mostly, I am still bitter about that.  Apparently, years ago, I may or may not have been responsible for the death of JK Rowling’s beloved Border Collie.  It’s a funny story, actually.  Anyhow, ever since then, it’s been a bitch getting producer credits on the set over there.
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