Friday Fives – bert is evil edition

*** update 8.14 – I now have a meeting Bono story, too.  What’s yours?  Proof here.

1. What is the most depressing meal you ever made yourself?

Mac and & Cheese. Generic of course!  What am I all she sudden, a guy who can afford .50 cents a meal?  I worked all through college, but my earnings went to beer and such.  Meals were simply built around my schedule since I worked at at Chinese restaurant in town.  There food was super good.  So, leftover Chinese food accounted for probably 70% of my diet in my early 20’s.

Oh, I have a great and troubling story about our owner at the place stealing and re-cycling, and re-using shrimp.

Going to complain?  To who, the owner?  No.  He is the owner.  To the health department?  No way, if they shut him down I lose my job.  So, we won’t tell that story now.

sorry… back to the Mac and Cheese story.  Focus, man!

Ever made that boxed mac and cheese when you have no butter OR milk?  You know, college days.  So, you have to try and create a passable sauce sluice of tap water and powdered cheese.

Did you know you can take coffee creamer and water and make a milk colored sluice.  It approximates the color and viscosity of milk.  The similarities, however, end right about here.  If you find yourself doing this, and you will, go kill yourself.

 It is right about then I started to really engage in my education because I didn’t want ramen and mac and cheese (and water) to be my end game.  It paid off!  I may not be rich, but approx zero percent of my diet these days includes powdered anything.

2. What’s the best way to start an interesting conversation with a stranger?

I would say the elevator bit.  This trick is especially effective and extra hilarious if you are in a hotel and drinking environment.  You know what?  Never mind.  This is advanced stuff and just look at you.  Go ahead and stick with sitting in the corner quietly and silently.

Plan B – tell them your Johny Depp story.  Everybody loves a good JD story.  Now, that being said, if you don’t have a real Johnny Depp anecdote… you should get one right away.  They are quite handy to have on the spot.

Until you get your own Depp story, try a few of these.  Comedy gold, and all the more reason to appreciate Bill Murray even more.  As for my Johnny Depp story, I ain’t telling you.  Why?  Because the second I tell you the story you are going to go all Carlos Mencia on my ass and start telling the story as your own.

3. If you could insert a single rubber duck into any moment in history, where/when would it have the most profound impact?

I am thinking of going the ‘Bert is Evil’ route and placing it in a historically absurd moment like the Hindenburg going down in that field, Bert showing up with Bin Laden at a madrases or at the Kennedy Assassination.  If you don’t know the ‘Bert is Evil’  bit from the early days of the internet… please stop and take a few minutes.  Someone awesome took the effort years ago, to Photoshop and malicious and evil looking Bert from Sesame Street into every great photographed moment in history.  A la – Forrest Gump, I guess.

 I dare say this was the internet’s very first meme.  Wanna have night terrors?  Click here!  It cannot be unseen, but it is safe for work.  Here is Sesame Streets new ambassador right now.

4. What product do you want that that no longer exists?

Thank you for asking, but I think it is too late now. Last year, Denver based Hostess foods went under.  Well, people went apeshit when this happened and demanded access to twinkies.

It became a national news story.  Well, the drama worked.  Power to the people!  Problem is, I never ate twinkies.  No one did, that is why they went out of business, you dumbass.  Now everyone had this stupid nostalgia for twinkies.  So, someone bought up the brand back to life, bot forgot these.  These are ding dongs, and they are FAR superior to twinkies or cupcakes.  It is a chocolate cake dipped in chocolate.  Yeah, go ahead and have a seat and read that one again.

I also miss the pudding pies from same company.  Nothing healthy here, but SO cool.

5. Who is the nicest person you have ever met?

Moby.  Many years ago I was at a rave with Regan and Trav.  Moby was the host and one of the superstars of the musical era.  Well, after the rave, and the drugs wore off, Moby came out and meeting people.  Just saying hi, hope you fun.  Mind you, this is peak Moby.  20 years ago, he had mojo like Puffy… or bigger.  He was the biggest dj then, if not still today, in all of history.  At this show, he had 5,000 people pay $30 each to watch him spin.

 We were probably too high to cope with getting to our car.  Anyhow, Moby approaches us and says “Thanks for coming tonight, I really appreciate it.  I put my hand out to shake hands and Mody says “dude, come on, we’re good here” and hugs me.  It was a decent and thoughtful and real hug.

Then, sensing that we were kinda besties by now, I asked Moby to sign my ticket stub.  He says ‘sure’ and takes the ticket stub from my hand.  He sees the face value for the show was $40 (or something like that) and he started apologizing profusely.  So, he gives me another hug and then signs my ticket stub, and then with a sharpie draws this whole little super cool and unique cartoon on the ticket stub.  I still have it somewhere around here.

When you watch interviews, you see he comes off very nebbish and ‘aw shucks, y’all’ type temperament’.  It’s not an affect.

*** remind me to tell you another Szechuan story about my sociology experiment where I sat in an elevator all day at the airport and filmed people with a super 8.  People would ask what I was doing, and I would quietly explain ‘sorry, ma’am.  That security camera up there is out.  So, I have to cover for another week.  Please don’t do anything differently than you would if  wasn’t here.

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