Friday Fives – jokes and russian sleeper cells

1. If you were held at gunpoint and had to tell a joke to save your life, what joke would you tell?

Well, I probably can’t tell any of my pedophile jokes.  I have a bunch, and I love them.  Seriously, I love pedophile jokes.  Know why?  It is one thing we can all agree is the most horrible thing imaginable.  Racist jokes aren’t funny, they come off more as mean.  Plus, I fear people are more racist than they let on.  Heck, I might even be, as much as I hope I am not.  Blonde jokes aren’t great, as they are mean to blondes.  We are all just secretly jealous.  I mean, the rap is what; blondes are oblivious to current events, are too busy having fun and great sex, and don’t fully grasp technology.  Man, that sounds AWESOME.  I wish that described my life.  Growing up, every blonde joke you know was told with ‘pollack’ as the subject line.  Not sure why, but people sure LOVED making fun of Polish folks in the 70’s.

I think my favorite is one I call ‘spinach pie’.  It’s so stupid it just rules.  However, you have to go camping with me hear that one.

So, I’ll go with this one.  It only works if the person holding the gun is a baseball nut.  You have to know who Marge Schott is, and what she is famous for.  She owns the Cincinnati Reds, and is known to be a horrible and intolerant racist.  Just a horrible human being.  The joke goes thusly:

A reported asks Marge Schott who will win the pennant this year.  She says “well, I think the Reds are the best team in baseball right now.  Of course, I am prejudiced”.

2. What is a time when you laughed and definitely should not have done so?

oh, jesus… too many times.  The reason you are reading this is because I have a twisted and keen sense of humor.  So, I see humor in everything.  That being said, I should have a zillion examples of such zany antics.  Well, I don’t.  So, just get off my dick already and leave me alone.  You think I live to make you happy?  huh?  how about if I just stop my entire goddamn life so at I can be your little cymbal banging prank monkey?  You make me sick!  ***

3. Streaming media time – dig deep.  What have you found on Roku/Hulu/Netflix/Amazon that is the off the beaten path and just the best.

not off the beaten path, but this is my newest discovery – The Americans.  It is a fiction set in the early 80’s.  The protagonists are a couple of Russian KGB sleeper agents… living in deep cover as a regular American couple.  It is SO compelling.  It feels almost like a documentary.  I wish this show was on HBO, so it could be darker.  However, it is on deep cable, so it is MUCH darker than anything the big three would put out.

Now, in the spirit of the question… if you are looking for something just stupid.  Nay… past stupid… you can thank Mike Ellis for this gem –  Professor Toothie

Not dumb enough?  FINE

4. What is NEVER going to happen?

Americans learning our congress doesn’t do DICK for them.  Never have, and never will. It gets worse every day.  I know I talk about this a lot, but it is literally the reason America isn’t number one in anything except infant mortality.  The following are not made up stats.  92% of Americans feel Congress sucks balls and is useless.  This is from a pew research poll.  They are super legit, and likely didn’t use terms like ‘suck balls’.  You have seen this meme in email about how Congress has more criminals than the NBA and NFL combined.  YET – you fucking dipshits re-elect them every time.  94% of congress and senators were re-elected in the last presidential election.  So, why wouldn’t they suck.

Let me put this in terms you will understand.  You know how you pride yourself on being a good dog trainer?  Imagine if your dog kept jumping on the counter.  You don’t like that at all. So, each time he jumps on the counter you say so very softly ‘bad dog, don’t do that’, and then gave him bacon.  Every time he jumps on the counter he gets bacon.  You wonder why he keeps jumping on the counter even though you say softly every time ‘bad dog’.  This is what you do with congress.  Every year you scream ‘they are all criminals and assholes and thieves’ to anyone who will listen.  Then, you re-elect them.  There is ZERO point in complaining about, or to, your congressman, and then re-electing them.  Your congress doesn’t suck.  YOU suck for voting them in.

Same thing with Wal Mart.  Wal Mart doesn’t suck.  They are doing what every company does.  Provide the best value for customers and the best returns for stock holders.  So, you know they don’t offer health care or a working wage.  It’s a super easy fix.  Stop shopping there.  Wal Mart isn’t the problem, you are. Stop bitching and go shop at Coscto.  Consumer reports said they are the best shopping experience according to polls.  They are also regarded as one of the best employers.  AND, they pay a livable wage and offer health care.  Plus, around every corner is free samples. Why in the world are you shopping at Wal Mart still?  You save maybe $1.37 across your entire $200 bill.

So, as long as Americans can’t put their money where there mouth is, and keep re-electing a congress they hate, and keep shopping at retailers that sicken them, we are doomed!

5.  What is your most boring encounter with a celebrity?

First time (of many) that I met the guys in Toad the Wet Sprocket.  They are super sweet and wonderful.  They are as delightful as their music is great.  I saw them play a free show here in Denver.  I was chatting with them backstage and I said “welcome to Denver, and thank you SO much for playing a free gig.”  Glenn replied, “Thanks, but we got paid a ton”

** how did I do on that?  I am trying to be darker, you know.  Something heavier, and artier.  I always hear about my hero’s’ dark side.  I don’t seem to posses one.  I am pretty much as amused and amusing as you think I am.  So, to be a great writer, I really need to turn up the smoldering rage, right?

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