Friday Fives – texting dogs and other fantasies


  1. What do people take way too seriously?

‘fantasy’ football. It is sad that grown ass men spend hundreds of hours and dollars betting on people they will never meet. These are people that don’t care about you, yet people get so vested in their players and teams that reality gets stripped away. It is how men who are deathly insecure about themselves go to compensate. Basically, it’s a nationwide middle age crisis. It’s just sad.

You don’t even wanna know the net productivity loss due to people playing ‘fantasy’ football at work. It is a sad, pretend world. “Gee, I can’t run or throw or tackle, so let me pretend this ‘roided out perfect athlete is my proxy in failed life.

Personally, I have two teams. Correct, I am twice the pretend man that you are. One on ESPN (with my college buddies) and one on Yahoo (with my family). We even get to design their helmets. Up there, that is my team helmet. We are the ‘Colorado Marauders’.  Do you have any idea how many copyrights that violates?  Two. Yeah, boy.  No fear here!

  1. Congratulations! Your pet can now text. What texts might you receive the most from your pet?

Well, all credit for that needs to go to this guy. He is brilliant! Click here and read this guy’s work.  It is hilarious… especially the batdog stuff.

  1. What does the last text message you sent say?

“Yeah, this one stings a bit, but that is how this dance goes.”

It was sent to Beau. The rest you can figure out yourself, I suppose.

  1. What inanimate objects are sworn enemies of each other?

The filling inside my comforter, and the skin (er… duvet). I can’t get it to fill out evenly. The padding pools up, and when I wake I am covered in only a sheet. The padding rolls down to the bottom.

  1. Biggest cooking fuck-up you have ever made?

I am a capable cook, so I can’t think of anything too horrible.  Last fall, I was making chicken piccata and I set the smoke alarms off.  In my thee years here, i have never set off a fire alarm.  I am still pissed, disappointed, and puzzled.  They wanted me to lightly fry three separate chicken breasts in olive oil over medium high heat.  Here is the problem with that; olive oil has a very low smoke point.  It is virtually useless for any kind of frying.

Canola oil isn’t much better.  Basically, the better an oil is for frying, the worse it is for you.  However, supposedly their is a new angle out there.  Apparently avacado oil has both a high smoke point, and is good for you.  So, I guess that is my next tact.  I had never even heard of avacado oil until two weeks ago, though.


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