I was on Undercover Boss. Did you see it? It was awesome. Remember that one on Lonothon Industries? Remember the Cleveland call center scene? Yeah, that was me! Describe myself? Ok, lessee here… remember Brad, the guy taking calls who had a terrible attitude? Remember how he had abysmal attendance because he said his car was busted. Remember when he said he wasn’t going to fix it? Remember how he explained he would rather save money to go to Jamaica. Remember how he thought that was more important than reliable transportation? Remember how he said ‘brah’ a lot? “a car is cool and all, but I’d rather be on the beach in Jamaica, brah!” Do you remember when he told a customer to fuck off and the main dude almost broke character?
That was sweet. CEO dude had to bolt out of the building to talk to camera. They said it was a documentary on who would win the next shitty fucking $12 an hour call center job. You needn’t win this job. We are 33% understaffed according to this morning’s report. You apply, we hire you. Why he needed a 7 person camera crew and (I am totally serious here) and a make up person, I am not sure. Obviously something bigger was up. Also, the call center managers kept following them around like puppies looking for their mama. Generally, it’s not super wise to tell customers to fuck off, ESPECIALLY in front of a camera crew.
Oh, how about Susie? The ‘sweetheart’, and ‘customer service powerhouse’? She got the $5,000 scholarship to get a car to go back to school. Yeah, she spent that on meth. Correction, she spent that on more meth. How else does someone take 13 calls an hour? She’s in jail, again. Yet… I was not tv material. The producer said I was not ‘compelling’.
Remember how at the end of the show they do the big reveal? Remember how the CEO dude gave Brad a brand new car so he could get to work? Remember how they wanted to up-train him so he wouldn’t tell customers to fuck off? Yeah, that training was a weekend in San Diego. Then, remember how they wanted to send him to Jamaica on the company dime, because he had vision and passion?
Yeah, I was on that show. I am not Brad, though. I sit next to Brad. I am Tom. Remember when they showed Brad heading back from (yet another) break? He stopped at chatted with the guy in the striped blue polo shirt? That was me! Wait… that was me, brah! I interviewed with the producers beforehand. I have never missed a day in 13 years. I am married and happy. I have no arrest record, or dead parents. The producers told me I wasn’t “dynamic material”. Brad is pretty much the biggest dick in the call center. Word on the street is that Brad was about to be fired when the producers showed up. See, Brad was also 3 hours late today. Brad got a new car. Brad went on national TV. Brad went to San Diego for three days on the company dime. Brad got a trip to Jamaica. Oh yeah, and Brad told a customer to fuck off on national TV. My name is Tom, and I was on Undercover Boss. Brad is my boss now. Thanks CBS.
I am Correct 
Just to clarify, this is satire. I was not on UB. There is no Lonothon industries. In reading over the piece again, years later, I am still amused by it. I am a big fan of the show, though, which is why it was so frighteningly accurate. I think every single CEO on Earth should be dropped into the ground level of their companies.
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