Friday Fives – consumer edition

What is something you buy in bulk?

Paper towels. I go through more paper towels than a family of ten. When cleaning, or cooking, I use them exclusively. Meaning, I don’t use a towel of any kind. Why? It’s a goddamn bacteria factory, that’s why. Do you wipe your baby’s butt with a towel, and then use it to clean the kitchen counter? No sir, you do not. Same reason I don’t use towels for anything in the kitchen… except for drying very clean dishes.

What do you get for free than most people pay for?

Bitches. Just kidding, I thought it would be fun to say. Nothing much, any more. I had a good 18 year run with free cell service, but that is over. So… what do I get that all you losers pay full retail for? I gotta go back to my first answer, bitches! Get it? It was a word play twist. In the last sentence, I was calling you (the reader) bitches… not talking about my ability to score babes on the fly. However, it is that keen wordplay right there that the bitches love ladies appreciate.

What are some of the cheapest things you’ve seen someone do?

I can only tell a story that technically counts as an urban legend, since I didn’t see it. My buddy, who we will refer to only as ‘Brian W’ told me a story about either his dad, or is wife’s dad. This person is notoriously cheap, and here is my favorite anecdote. He would go to a store and buy a floor model big ticket item (say, a $500 Dyson). By buying the floor model, you get a good 20% off. Now, he pays $400 for a new Dyson, just because it was out of box. THEN… he goes and buys a new $500 Dyson, at full retail. THEN… he keeps that brand new full retail Dyson, and sticks the floor model in the box. Then, he returns that box with the floor model in it. Now, he has a band new untouched virgin Dyson for $400.   Then next person who buys that brand new, still in box, Dyson, is getting Frank’s sloppy seconds.   Did I say his name there? I shouldn’t have. Definitely won’t say his last name, which is most certainly NOT Astero.

What is your opinion on vitamins/supplements?

We are big fans. The wife is big on various forms of holistic healing. Now, that is a big and heavy term, so allow me to give you my interpretation of it. By ‘holistic healing’, I am not about non big Pharma solutions. Maybe it’s prayer, maybe it’s licking dog paws during uneven hours. Ok, that was a cruel exaggeration. What we like, and use, is all plant based solutions. I used to think it was nonsense, until I saw it work consistently. See, every single drug you have met comes from plants and nature. We just use the ones that aren’t patented. Now, this next statement will sound paranoid, and I get that. However, I believe it completely. Big Pharma makes no money if you are cured. Same if you are dead. It is in their best interest to keep you alive… but just sick enough to need them. Prove me wrong.

What was the “Deal Breaker” for the last service you canceled?

Those credit card assholes at… what was the name? Don’t worry, I’ll name names… it was Bank of America. They doubled our interest rate a few years ago after a single late payment. Most folks wouldn’t notice, as they put it in TINY fucking fine print. I called and politely explained my concerns and they wouldn’t turn the rate back. I very politely asked them to get a supervisor on the line, and made him listen while I cut the credit card up. As I did, I explained to him, as he saw on his computer, that we spend THOUSANDS on that card monthly, trying to get their bullshit air miles (which you never get to use because of black out days and bullshit). I called them a month later to ask if they wanted to reconsider. I said “you will notice our spending went from thousands to zero after you pulled your stunt” and they said “yes”. In the ultimate power move, I told the guy ‘sorry, too late. Should have respected us last month before it was too late. Not only are we NEVER using your bank again, no one in my corporation will be allowed to use it either”.

I am aware I was likely talking to a guy in India with zero juice. Still, I wanted it to hurt someone. You just lost hundreds of thousands of dollars of business because you wanted to dick me around on $4 worth of charges. Yeah, see… we paid everything off each month down to zero. I am sure they saw that, and maybe realized we weren’t the kind of sucks that you are.


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