first world problems – my cell phone hates me

clock-monsterHear this? It sounds nice, doesn’t it. For me, it sends me into a flying rage and fit of despair. You might think ‘how could that sweet and harmless nice old lady of a melody having you ready to punch puppies and trip seniors’? I will tell you how, and why.

It is the alarm ringtone on my cell phone. This means many things, and none of them are nice. If I am using my alarm on my cell phone, it means I am not home. My home alarm works wonderfully. It also has a battery backup, and a second alarm I can set just in case. I would not need to use my cell phone at home.

If I am traveling, though, I have to use the cell phone. I do not travel for business. Even if I did, I would have a hotel alarm clock to hate. No sir, I travel for pleasure. ‘Pleasure’, here, implies I am on vacation. If I am on vacation, there is no set schedule. I am just here to relax, right? To me, this means go to sleep when I am tired (be that 4 am, or 4 pm) and wake up naturally when I am refreshed (be that 4 am or 4 pm). If I am using this alarm, I am not doing those things, am I? No. No I am not.

This ringtone, then, says to me the following: Hey boss, I know we are kinda on vacation and you are super tired and awfully comfy right now, but we gotta get up.

No we don’t. We are on vacation, remember? Camping, and driving, and seeing family. Free love and relaxation. No sir. Get up. Get up now. We have a LOT of shit to do today, and you aren’t spending your vacation lying in bed. You could just do that at home.

Oh man, I hate that one, but it’s true. Yes, in theory, I could just lie around at home. BUT… I don’t, goddamnit. If I did, I wouldn’t need a vacation. For me, a vacation is an abbreviation… nay… a contraction. It stands for ‘vacation from my alarm’. To me, almost no matter what I am doing, vacation says ‘wake up whenever, bro. It’s gonna be a long day, and I want you rested. No alarm needed. Let’s just grab some grub and go see the town. Whoah? 11 am already, and you are just getting up? No worries, bra, you earned it.

These assholes like the melody so much they covered it on guitar, and then filmed it. I could play that on guitar. I am quite good. I would never, ever, though. Memba’ that scene from ‘Dumb and Dumber’ where Carey goes ‘you wanna hear the most annoying sound ever?’ THAT is what my alarm says. Being a guitarist, I should be thinking ‘that is cool. That guy has a good ear to pick that up so easily’. This is not what I think when I hear it, though. No. I think ‘why would someone film the sound of their dear grandmother being punched in the face? Who takes joy in that?’ Those few simply sonorous tones sing to me ‘wake up, fatty. Oh, and don’t forget that god clearly hates you!’

Thanks a lot, Obama!


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