Friday Fives – fixing sports

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You can add one rule to an otherwise boring sport to make it more entertaining. What is it?

Glad you asked.  I came up with a BRILLIANT idea for football, some time ago. When a team is down by 20 or 30 points… they need more than a touchdown.  More importantly, we as viewers need a reason to stay tuned in! \

Here is what I propose.  If a quarterback can throw the ball way up in the air… and then run down the field and catch said ball… and score a touchdown… it is worth 14 points.  Don’t tell me it can’t be done, because we did it all the time when I was a kid with a nerf*.  When you are playing 3 on 3 with an ‘all time qb’, you have to be resourceful.  I was able to achieve this kind of nonsense (and physics defying) touchdown on many occasions.

Most importantly, think how fun this would be to watch from home on tv.  It would be total chaos.  But, lets say we are in playoffs and a team is down by 20 with 2 minutes left.  They basically have no choice.  You are welcome, America.

What rule would you remove from an otherwise popular sport?

From what I understand, in baseball, the two separate leagues have some small but incompatible rules.  These leagues play each other every single day… but have different rules. Stuff about designated hitters or runners, I think one of them has a cap limit on Cubans, but doesn’t count Dominicans. I don’t know.  I would cut that shit out immediately.  Every team plays by the EXACT same rules or you don’t get to play. How can you call yourself an exhibition when everyone has different rules?

Also, baseball needs a salary cap, STAT.  Every other pro sport does it. That is what happened to all the Canadian teams. They got priced out by the Yankees. The Yankees, as I understand it, have unlimited resources. Yet, they haven’t won for 15 years. What the hell did we pay Jeter and A-Rod all that money for?

      Thanks a lot, Obama Steinbrenner.

What is a thrilling sport that Americans could embrace if they only knew about it?

Soccer.   Just kidding, of course.  Heck, I played soccer as a kid for years.  I LOVED it.  Still have no desire to watch it.  I mean, its more interesting to watch than baseball, but so is watching laundry dry. Maybe the field is too big. Have you seen how big that thing is on tv? It appears to be several football fields wide and long.

Btw, don’t say ‘field’. Call it a ‘pitch’ or they will rip your dick off!  You think a soccer player can’t rip your dick off?  Guess what; anyone who can do this on purpose, can easily rip your dick off.  Don’t ask why I am so sure about this, just know that I am.  It’s like drummers and their stools. A drummer sits on a stool. You can call it a seat, or even a cushy mini bench. Do you know what drummers call this? A ‘throne’.   I am never, ever, ever going to call it a ‘throne’, Dan. It’s a stool, for your stool. You know what you say to a gay drummer? Can I push your stool in? Tee hee hee. Get it?

What isn’t a sport but should be?

Spot the perv®. This is a game my mentor, Majikwah, taught me. We did this in downtown Denver, but I reckon it works anywhere.   We would sit in a bar across the street from a sex place. You know, one of those places that rents videos, and has little sex stalls in the back in the dark where men go to watch nudie movies and handle their business? You might think the internet made these obsolete, but they are not. This creepy place was in a strip mall next to lame ass antique store.

While drinking, of course, you wager as to weather the upcoming pedestrians are headed for the furniture place, or the porn place. The answers were never as easy as you might think. Now, if you want to go all Cosmo Kramer on this, you can go up another tier: how long do they stay. During a good day drink binge, we could be at the bar for hours. Sometimes, people would be in the porn place for hours. What the hell are you doing in there?

The most fun is watching the double take everyone does before going in to the porn place. They want to make sure no one seems them go in, but they also don’t want to be obvious that they are looking around. It’s the ‘Perv Shrug®’

What is a sport but we could all live peacefully without it?

Olympic walking. It’s more than just the most dumb thing to watch… it is watching people walk who look like they need to take a dump. Think of this, let’s say you are walking really fast; at what point (exactly) does that become a run? Go ahead, have a watch here. I wanted to just embed the video, but they removed that ability for security concerns.   Yeah, just wrap your head around that. They don’t want NO ONE pirating walking videos, and walking away from all that sweet, sweet walking video rebroadcast cash.

  • Yes, I had to hyperlink an image to a nerf football, because I haven’t seen one in about 20 years. The nerf was the key to my childhood. No wonder why everyone is out shooting each other, they have no Nerf!
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