Friday Fives – jazz hands edition

What’s your favorite musical?

Wicked.  It’s the retelling of the Wizard of Oz, and it’s incredible.  I am not a musical guy, and have only been to about 5 or 6 big productions.  It is always great, too.  Should go more, but detailing with downtown is such a pain in the ass.

Would you rather star in a musical or movie?

A movie!  Don’t give me that horseshit about going back to your roots in musicals.  I don’t need to hear how its’ ‘real, and every night you have to start over’, or ‘it’s amazing to get the immediate feedback from the audience’… or this goddamn gem ‘the audience is as much a part of the show as we are’.  No sir, that is WORK.  Give me a movie.  Principle photography (the time spent shooting the movie) is generally 30 days.  I sit in a trailer watching football and porn most of my day.  A really nice trailer, mind you, probably bigger than my house.  A couple hours a day I go play make pretend and get paid years worth of money.  All my food and lodging for that 30 days is covered, and every morning that little shit stain Mark brings me an envelope with my per diem.  That is $200 of cash each day for whatever.

Then, a year later, when I have just about forgotten about the movie, it’s press time.  They want to fly me around the world in the company jet to chat up the movie with those shit stain morning talk shows.

EVERYONE is beneath me, including that hot little intern who shows up in my trailer to help me ‘run lines’.  I am verbally abusive to everyone, and the public thinks I am a GOD.  I just have a great smile, and once every 65 days I show up at a hospital or a school with my agent.  People eat that shit up.  God, you can not even measure the contempt I have for everyone who isn’t me.

So… yeah… I think movies will do nicely.

What about your privacy, oh exalted talent, you ask.  Privacy is EASY.  Just don’t live in Hollywood.

I live 2 hours outside the city up in the mountains. I don’t hang out at the Vine.  It is that easy to be private.  I was watching TMZ a few weeks ago and they caught a b list couple (rhymes with Courtney Cox) coming out of a mattress store way outside of town.

Now, there are no paparazzi stalking mattress stores.  Her publicist called and probably begged them to show up.  Sorry, I got to wrap this up.  I am going to dinner at the Pitt/Jolie house.  What were you doing with your Friday night?  Don’t answer, you disgust me!  Stick to your frozen tater tots and wife beating.  Oh, and don’t forget to see my new film coming out Nov 13th!!!!

 Which actor do you think deserves to be in a musical rather than a movie?

The answer to everything is John Goodman.  He is an amazing talent and remains underutilized.  He will be an Oscar winner, and should be already.  You may remember him as likable and oafish Rosanne side kick, but dude has sick acting chops.

Which is bigger in your opinion, the Oscars or the Tony Awards?

For the recipient?  The Tonys, and here is why.  People in the movies already have mad riches and a super awesome life… as seen above in answer #2.  For the play actors, they are neither rich nor famous.  On some level, the Tony is all they have to show their terrific body of work.  And they work.  When you see a great Oscar performance, he did that over a few days.  A play actor/actress did that EVERY day, often twice a day, for YEARS.  That is truly blood, sweat, and tears.

Should old musicals be shown in cinemas for those who didn’t have the chance to catch it?

Sure, or maybe in smaller market towns.  I had an even better idea, but similar.  Make the movies go from town to town.  Instead of Tom Cruise on the big screen making Mission Impossible once… take that budget and go town to town and PERFORM it, you cowards.  Get the Cirque de Soleil folks to handle the rigging and special effects.

Lastly, no more actors chatting on the couch during late night shows.  The musicians (of which I count myself as) have to go out and play a song, right?  They don’t get to sit on a couch and tell witty rejoinders.   With that in mind, the actors should have to come out and do a 4 minute scene.  Then… off with you.

*** update – apparently this is already in the works?  I didn’t know that until after I wrote this.  See how thorough I am?


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