Friday Fives – two days late, Office Space edition

 

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Office Space Edition:

What thing does your coworkers do that pisses you off?

It doesn’t piss me off as much as it makes me sad for all of humanity – victim-ness.  Every you time you say the word ‘they’, you die a little inside… and I lose a little bit of respect for you.  There is no ‘they’.  I hear things like “I don’t know why those dumb asses in marketing think this new _______is a good idea”.  STOP RIGHT THERE!  Imagine, perhaps, that the marketing people know more than you do.  Imagine they did nothing at all but this… all day long.  They might have some insights you are missing.  Even more importantly, what they do you have almost no control over… so stop giving a shit.  You are hurting yourself.  If you think marketing is killing us with bad insight, then how about getting a job in marketing to right the ship?

 I really, really want to help you.  It is about your circle of influence.  If you can’t control it, let it wash over you.  Instead, concentrate on things you can control.

 Geesh, I am sorry.  I got a little bent out of shape on that one.

 What’s the most cringe-worthy “Reply All” you’ve seen?

 “OMG, I HATE ELITCHES!”.  Years ago, my company sponsored a FREE trip to Elitch Gardens (if you don’t live in CO, it is our Six Flags)… maybe it isn’t your dream day off, but its FREE.  To be fair, this gal did not mean to send it to the entire company.  She meant to sent it to her dbag loser ass boyfriend (who has prolly given her 3 kids and left her by now). That is what she meant to do.  What she did, on the other hand, was send it to the entire company.  She was very young, and just didn’t get Outlook.  She was so embarrassed that she quit quickly after. I can assure you if she has managed to land a job with another company that can afford to license Office, she is telling the same story.  Kinda reminds me of this gem.

 Wish I remember her name, I would tell it.  Just the first name, mind you… I am not a monster.

If we were all forced to wear a warning label, what would yours say?

Much nicer than he looks, and even more liberal that perhaps is safe or possible.

What’s the hardest or most difficult job in the world?

I would imagine a 911 operator.  Talking to people being shot or dying all day long, and being kinda helpless as it happens.  Depending on the kind of person you are

 What’s the strangest thing you’ve ever had the displeasure of reading on a resume?

Besides an AOL address?  I do hiring, and have for years, so I am not going to answer that on the grounds of the 5th amendment.  However, if you are applying for a tech job, I beg you to have something better than an AOL address.  an AOL address, to me, is like a neighbor who has a Camaro up on blocks in his lawn that is mostly bondo offering to fix my car.

 Also, may or may not be related, but had a dude show up for an interview in a baseball cap.  Tangent – can I tell you this, America?  Treat internal interviews just as big as external.  Meaning that yes, you still wear a tie.  Yes, you print a resume, and spend $5 on resume stock.  Remember this, as it is sad and true – the interview is not just a formality to get you the promotion because your numbers kick so much ass.  If you blow off preparation for the interview, thinking your work speaks for itself (as I made the mistake of doing, once)…  I ain’t hiring or promoting you.

last thing about resumes, and I know it is a small thing… please pick a good font.  If you give me an ariel 11 point font, I may just skip the interview and hire you.  Every time you use calibri (the default), jesus tells a kitten he is not cute and probably won’t get adopted.  I do this thing with resumes I call the ‘glasses test’.  Without my glasses, I can’t see shit.  What I can see, though, is if your resume is laid out well.  I will judge your resume without reading a word.  I know you are thinking ‘jesus, this guy is picky and mean!’.  Everyone who hires is, I am just giving you my secrets.  I have 10 positions, so I will do 20 interviews.  I have 134 resumes to choose from, so I will be judgy.

WAIT WAIT WAIT – can I tell this story?  It’s not a resume story, but an interview one.  Had a dude tell us (thank god I was interviewing with Dan.  No one would believe if he hadn’t been there to hear it.  That was, of course, the Dan & Kevin show.) that “when you do a background check, you may find a kidnapping and assault charge, but that’s all better now.  We are back together and she forgave me!”  I swear to you that happened.  This was about 15 years ago, I reckon.  What do you say to a guy who handles bad news with kidnapping and assaulting?  Oh, and that is reserved for the ones he loves.  He is definitely going to kill at eat us two.  So, I said “well, it sounds like you have it worked out.  I am not sure how HR handles that stuff

  • in closing, something about that movie.  In case you haven’t seen it, or don’t work in an office… that movie is more documentary than comedy.  All those things have happened to me.  I have been what I lovingly call a ‘cubicle monkey’ for 20 years now, and I don’t mind it at all.  Rock stars watch ‘Spinal Tap’ and say they don’t laugh… it’s too true.  That is Office Space, for me.

 

 

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2 thoughts on “Friday Fives – two days late, Office Space edition

  1. My comment is that you are less liberal than you say. I’ve seen you in a group with a gun…as I wish with everyone it’s easier to understand and relate to another human being if you have fought together or bonded. It breaks down borders and makes everyone care as boutique each other no matter race creed color or party. This is something I learned a long time ago in the military. If you fight together it does not matter. What matters is you trust those around you and I think we all proved that at the gun range that day

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