You didn’t wash those, did you?

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You have jeans, right?  You wash them, right?  My god you suck.  You NEVER wash blue jeans!  Don’t you read Buzzfeed***?  You are supposed to freeze them, instead, and I am being serious.  There is a big movement afoot to make sure you never wash your jeans.  Even the CEO of one of the douche jean companies said so.  What is a douche jean company?  Anyone who charges more than a $100 for a pair of jeans, for any reason.  You sir, are a douche, if you are paying more than $100.  Oh wait, the $100 jeans are ‘pre-stressed’… meaning you pay to make them soft and worn and comfy and make you look like a cool dude.  I mean, right?  Take a look; to get a classic worn look you pay a LOT.  Or… and I am just spitballing here… wear them, use them, go about your life, and wash them once a week.

Let’s hold off on that issue for a moment, because it is a separate pissy rant.

Anyhow, you are to not wash your jeans.  It ruins them, says these hipster assholes.  Let’s look at what my jeans contain on any given weekend (I don’t get to wear them at work, sadly) > horseshit and ball sweat.  I have horses, you see.  If you have horses, it means you are often covered in horse shit and ball sweat.  Freezing my jeans won’t clear either.  It just preserves the ball sweat to be thawed and re-animated at a later date.  At least, I assume that is what happens, because I would never freeze my goddamn jeans.

and why is it people only talk about freezing jeans?  If this worked, wouldn’t you do it with all your clothes?  Secondary thought; you know who has frozen jeans, and been doing it for hundreds of years?  Hobos!  At least in Colorado, where it is about 10 degrees and snowing outside.  Do hobos smell like fresh jeans?  Nope.  I would bet they smell like horseshit and freshly thawed horse shit.  Tee hee hee.

Why freeze jeans, then?  To preserve them?  Does anything look worse or feel worse than brand new jeans?  I like my jeans beaten to shit, about 2 to 5 years old.  They fit crazy good that way, and look even better.  I can prove it!  These assholes are selling pre-stressed jeans.  This is in case your ball sweat isn’t getting the work done.  You can pay someone else, a LOT, to have their ball sweat.  If you have baking soda in your freezer, then this point is for you.  Smells and cooties transfer very easily.  Baking soda is super absorbent.  When you put it in your fridge or freezer (which I am militant about, that shit is amazing) it is simply absorbing the stink of all your rotten food.  By point being, by putting your jeans in the freezer, all you are really doing is stewing your white trash tater tot stash in… well… you know.

In conclusion – you can buy a pair of jeans for $30 and wear them and watch them get more and more comfy and gently beaten (by washing them, see).  OR… pay this guy $100 for his jeans.  Then, of course, freeze them immediately.  Jesus, you are going to destroy them by washing them.  Are you some kind of animal?

To prove to you this is really a thing, CNN weighed in on it.  Oh, and the CEO of Levi’s also says don’t wash them ever No, really!  CNN, though, calls bullshit!

And listen, science says this “freezing jean” phenomena doesn’t stand up to analysis. In plain English: No, freezing your jeans will not kill all bacteria

look at that last sentence, and you tell me if he isn’t talking about ball sweat.  If the freezer really saves and protects everything, I am just gonna go all Joey and stand out in the 10 degree weather that is happening outside, and stand there for 8 hours.  I won’t even have to shower.  Who am I kidding?  Like I ever shower, anyway.

*** above, I took a swipe at Buzzfeed.  Truth is, I LOVE that site.  I am just tired of all the ‘hacks’.  Did you know you could use pencils in a pinch if you are out of chopsticks?  Yeah, it is that shit I am a bit tired of.

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