Friday Fives – let’s just call this the ‘Brian Story’


Last party you went to?

Wow, I guess I am lame.  I can’t even think of one.  Lemme ask the wife.  Superbowl party at Ric’s.  I CAN EXPLAIN, though.  Well, we don’t go out much.  No reason to.  Have all I need at home:  wife, dogs, cats, horses, fish, big ass tv, internet, a hot tub, and 5 acres to play on.  Plus, town is far.  There is nothing closer than 30 minutes away.  I can’t get a gallon of milk or gas in under 30 minutes.  So, why go out much?

I have to admit, the superbowl party was almost cheating, as he is my next door neighbor.

Side note.  Here is what happened the last time we had to cancel on a party.  The wifey and I were invited to a Halloween party at a friend’s house.  For the sake of this story, let’s just call him ‘Brian’.   We came home to a flooded basement.  the dogs turned the hose on while playing while we were at work.  I went down to the basement to feed the cat, and saw water cascading down the basement window wells like a waterfall.

Had to hear out the carpet, the padding, the baseboard… immediately.  I was shitting myself.  See, insurance companies don’t cover that kind of damage.  After an hour of pure panic and working to get the water out of the basement… we remembered the party.  Texted ‘Brian’ and explained we had a very serious emergency, and would not make the party.  So he understood we weren’t just blowing him off, I sent him very powerful pictures of the damage.  This story, and his reaction, is 100% true.  Once I explained we were fucked and probably out thousands, he responded with this photo texted over.

Brian and sis

dick move?  Not at all.  it gave the wife and I a laugh that we really, really needed right then.  Love that guy!  We have known each other prolly 15 to 20 years.  Love him so much he is using our camper right now.  The gal in the pic is not his wife, but his sister.  It appears ‘Brian’ was dressed as some kind of gay gladiator.  Wanna know something crazy?  the gal in that picture’s husband is a plumber, and so was also assuredly there right then True shit!  So, did Brian say “Shit, I am sorry.  Josh is here, lemme grab him for you.”  Nope.  Just this pic, and I could not have been happier.

Do you pee in the shower?

Of course.  Doesn’t everyone?  At least, all dudes?  I am saving time AND water.  I am an eco-hero®

Speaking of saving the Earth, and fun with peeing…. I want a urinal.  How awesome would that be?  I would have many urinals.  The wifey quickly explained to me it was the dumbest idea in history.  Clearly that is just the penis envy talking.
Have you ever fired a gun?

Of course, hasn’t everyone?  I have many friends who are gun nuts, and firing guns is AWESOME.  Most recently, some buddies and I went out shooting shotguns at the clay widgeons.  First time, and I did great!  Well, I think.  I hit 32 out of a 100.  Most importantly, I outshot Andy.  Andy brought his own shotgun, and I was just using a renter.  I don’t have a lot of guns.  I’m a Democrat, see.  Living out in the country, though, I do own a gun.  Just not a safe full like my neighbors.

By the way, I am SO tired of hearing about the 2nd Amendment.  “it’s in the constitution. man”.  Not exactly.  It’s on the sticker on the re-issue.  Oh, and guess what else was in the constitution?  slavery, prohibition, women not voting, and NO civil liberties.  Yes, you are ok as for as the constitution goes… just like slavery and prohibition.

Where do you call home?

The house.  East Parker.  WAY East Parker.  On a dirt road, water from a well, cable company doesn’t even come out here.

What’s your favorite board game?

I enjoy all of them, really.  I didn’t mean to Sarah Palin that one.  I’ll be specific – the last probably 8 times we went and did a game night (again with the neighbors.  I fucking love my neighbors.  We have all gotten really close.  Anyhow, 6 of the last 8 times we played Cards Against Humanity.  It is too much fun, and we can all thank Sally for that.  If you have never heard of or played the game, I’ll give you a hint as to it’s character.  One of the reaction cards is “3 midgets shitting into a bucket”.  Now, go ahead and wrap your mind around the idea of a game where that would be a perfectly cromulent answer.

Here is why I enjoy game nights.  You are at someone’s house, so the drinks are cheaper.  The music isn’t on 11, so you can have a conversation.  Bars that have super loud music drive me insane with rage.  If it were a dance place, I get that.  But… a sports bar will play music so loud you can’t chat.  And you can’t smoke.  And drinks are expensive.  And I have to get home safe so I have to stop drinking after 2 beers.  And it doesn’t have to be pitch black.


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