Friday Fives – the zombie electorate discussion

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You’re alone in the elevator going from the 10th floor to the parking garage, You let out a room clearing cabbage/eggs/garlic fart which fills the car.  The car stops on the 8th floor and someone enters and is also going to the parking garage.  How do you respond?

Step out, making no eye contact.  Wait for the elevator.  It is simple common decency to hide a good and proper cropdusting.  This ain’t my first rodeo!

Do you like your name?  If you could change it, what would you choose?

I love my name, but funny you asked.  When I was younger, I didn’t like it.  I thought it was boring.  Now I see how people name their kids and I am THRILLED with my name.  Can I tell you a story, here?  I work with a  guy who wanted to give his kid a unique name.  Great, fine.  Named her Ashlee.  Don’t do that.  For the REST of her life, she has to spell her name out for everyone.  “no, not Ashley with a y, but two E’s at the end”.  Why do that do your kid?  Jesus, make it phonetic, at least.  You thought I was going to go all all ‘black people name their kids some crazy shit’, and I didn’t.  That isn’t news, freakonomics already covered it, and it comes of racist to discuss, since I am a Cracker-American

Sitcom plot morality question:  You are about to break up with your significant other.  He/She tells you they bought tickets for both of you to go see a concert of an act that you have always been dying to see three months from now.  Do you go through with the break up or wait for the show.   What if the show is this weekend?

Again, simple common human decency dictates that we go to the show together.  It is important for her.  Of course, I have been married for 21 years, so I don’t know as much about dating etiquette as farting etiquette.

To be thorough, you also mentioned if my significant other was a ‘he’.  Were he a dude, would that change my answer?  Yes.  Being predominantly (and almost entirely) not gay, I am going with the break up now.  He is always wearing my clothes!  I HATE that.  Then he says “isn’t it great, lover, that we are the same size?”  and being straight, I say something all homophobic and mean like “no, you got gay all over my clothes!”

I mean, unless it is a really great band that I never miss.  On the other hand, there are only 2 bands I really feel that way about.  I don’t think Iron Maiden has a big following in the gay community.  Here is how much I love Iron Maiden, this weekend I am going to see the Iron Maidens!  Geesh, someone just went a little too much out of their way to proclaim his straightness.  My therapist is going to have a field day with this!

A mugger threatens you for your watch, phone and wallet.  What is scarier:  a gun or a bloody axe?  Why?

The gun.  If I am to be attacked, I most definitely want the gun.  However, if I may choose my assailant… I want the bloody axe… I feel I could get away, or at least get it away from him.  What is wrong with you that you ask these questions?  Get help, man!  When an axe wielding maniac… just never mind already.  I don’t care for the direction this is going.

Ok, once I attacked someone with a bloody axe, I am now forever the ‘bloody axe attacker guy’, and it is an unfair burden to carry… and a bitch to explain in job interviews!  The NRA says that all good Americans should carry bloody axes!  Look it up!  It is the ONLY way to prevent bloody axe wielding attacks.  If you ban them, then only the criminals are the ones with bloody axes.  Everyone knows the Dems are coming for our bloody axes.  How many school axings could have been prevented if we allowed axes in our schools?  You liberal cowards don’t understand self defense, or the real (and axe based) subtext of the 2nd amendment.

  • Wow, that went in a direction I absolutely did not forsee. Someone had too much caffeine today!

In a rare Congressional reform measure, Zombies are given the right to vote?  Who would they choose?

Zombies should vote independent, and I think that is common knowledge by now.  Ask Nate Silver.  Here is why – Dems will tax brains until NO ONE can afford them, and Righties will just deport them like with they did with the Xmen.  Me, I am pro zombie… because you just know they will vote Dem!  Heck, the ones from Chicago can vote Dem twice!  Being alive hasn’t been a requirement to vote Chicago Dem in about 40 years.

  • Well, this is embarrassing. I went to google the article above, about the famous scandals of dead people voting in Chicago, and it was a piece on my own Colorado state.  I guess my mom was right; when you point a finger at others, you are really pointing 3 back at that guy behind you.  What an asshole that guy is!

 

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