What situation isn’t improved by pizza?
Celiacs, you sick bastard! Macauly Culkin
If you had a permanent orange tan and unwieldy hair, how would you rule the world?
Do what I did back in college… shave it off. Before that, I had long hair… like a girl, my Marine father would point out. Let me tell you a story about shaving my head, though. I did this back in 1992-ish. No one in popular culture had done that. Now, it is a look, and it certainly wasn’t back then. People assumed I was sick. Let me provide more specific evidence. At the time, in college, I worked delivering Chinese food. That was an awesome job! I was delivering a big order of food to the hospital… to the cancer wing.
I got in the elevator with a doc who asked me what I had (I was also super skinny, and maybe did look sickly). I explained that no, I just shave my head on purpose, I have no cancer. Back then, I bic’d it. Meaning, it was clean and shiny. She refused to believe me, and said ‘its ok, you are in a safe place. It’s ok to talk about your cancer. There is no judgement here.” That ‘sis awfully nice, ma’am, but I am just delivering food. See this? I have $200 worth of Chinese food here. That is why I am here. She said “it’s’ ok, sweetie. When you are ready, come talk to me.” And she gave me a hug and handed me her business card.
Btw, chicks really digged the bald head. They were fascinated by it… so that didn’t hurt.
Of course, I had long hair to freak out the squares, and show my contempt for polite society at large… like any good college student should! Well, once I realized how freaked out people were by seeing my bald, I was quite tickled. This was even more subversive. Parents would pull their kids away from me at grocery stores. I think they thought I had aids. We didn’t know a lot about Aids back then, because Reagan worked SO hard to cover it up and deny it’s existence. He never once uttered the term ‘aids’, even as several hundred thousand people died.
Geesh, that went in an expected direction. Here is my school ID from right before I shaved my head. My first year of school was ASU, but I wisely finished up in Flagstaff.
If someone were to take over your body in this very instant, what would you need to brief them on?
Sorry about the back problems, but everything else is great. We have a Jacuzzi and a pick up truck and a rock and roll guitar! Oh, and TONS of fucking dogs. It’s everything you ever wanted. Next time, lighten up on the dogs a little, maybe.
In a world where guns and knives no longer exist, what is the best way to defend you home and yourself?
It would be the same system I have used since I lived on my own… baseball bats. I still keep one in the bedroom behind the door. I have a gun, too. Don’t know what I would use, hopefully neither.
You wake up replaced as a cartoon character – who/what takes your place?
Can I be a girl? Here is a great side story about that. In the olden Greek times, there was a seer named Tiresius. In history, he had lived as both a male and a female. At this point, he was not yet a seer (predictor… like Nostradaumus). Since he had lived as both sexes, a god has asked him who enjoys sex more… man or woman? He answered that it was women who enjoyed it more. The god Zues (being a dude) was so upset that he struck Tiresias blind right then and there. Then, he realized that was kind of a dick move, so his wife, Hera, gave him predicative powers as an apology.
Like any great mythology, there are several stories and versions of how this went down. I remember this version most likely from a Joseph Campbell telling.
Ok. So I come back as a cartoon character? I want boobs, and superpowers (or are they the same?)… so Supergirl! Or… Superwoman. I would also accept the Bionic Woman. Though performed by mere mortals, I think the technology on those shoes was indeed cartoonish. We need Peter Jackson to go back and remaster those shows with better CGI. They do not age well. With that… I leave you with this >
it was my absolute favorite show as a kid. They are available for streaming now, and this show does NOT hold up well to time.