Friday Fives – I shot Lincoln edition


Someone brings you a box full of everything you have ever lost, but you can only take three items. What do you take?

My beautiful long hair, my aunt Sharon, my last United States President

The last thing you purchased is now illegal to own. What is it?

Soup?  You fuckers made soup illegal?  This is BULLSHIT.  Thanks a lot, Trump

What is the best accent and why?

English, because people with that accent just sound smarter.  Sorta like how Southern accents make people sound dumb?  Same thing.

You are thrown back in time 200 years, and need to prove the local authorities that you are highly educated. What do you do?

Hmm.  200 years ago?  That puts us at 1817?  What was happening in 1817?  Just thinking off the top of my head, we have slavery and the civil war around 1860… cars around 1900, and that rapid and insane industrialization all over the world shortly after.  BUT… what happened of consequence in the early 1800s?

See, I am thinking that I need something historical about to happen, so I can say ‘told you so, dickless!’   but… that isn’t what the result would be, is it?  If I said ‘Abe Lincoln will be killed tomorrow’ and it happens… am I a hero?  A seer?  No.  They would either assumed I was directly involved in the killing, or some kind of evil magician.

What is the best thing you have seen thrown out

A vacuum.  I was working at Target  in college, and Target was really big on talking about all the good they did in their community.  It was Christmas time, so Target was especially talking about their love of the proletariat.  Anyhow, there was a really nice vacuum that was a display model, and it was being thrown out.  The planogram (official store layout) had changed.  Now that the vacuum was no longer being featured on an end-cap, it was to be thrown away.  It was brand new, never even used.  Just taken out of the box.  I thought ‘let’s sell it as used’… or… give it to one of these poor families we are always celebrating… or give it to an employee.  Shit, it was Christmas-time.  Give it to an employee.  We all made minimum wage.  For me, it was fine… I had no overhead as a college kid.  My friends there had kids… lots of them… and made minimum wage.  It’s a chiche, but many of them couldn’t afford to shop there.  Target isn’t that cheap.  Target is great because you can get everything there, but if you are poor… you shop at Wal Mart.

And this $400 vacuum was just thrown out.  That super pissed me off.  Not just 21 years ago, but to this day.  I think I am still cheesed about it because they asked me to throw it out.  I remember putting it at the top and edge of the dumpster, hoping a peer would steal it out.  I don’t remember if they did.

Another thing I didn’t like, since we are here… you had to work at Target for a year an a half before you could get health care.  Again, when you could get it, many couldn’t afford it… as they only made minimum wage at the time – $4.80.  This isn’t for me, I was just covering a reasonable rent on a college pad.  I didn’t have a car, and I had health care from my folks.  Minimum wage was fine for me, but it would suck ass if I had kids.  Stupid kids.


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