Friday Fives – trust edition


What do you never trust?

On political ad campaigns… for propositions and such… I don’t trust the side with the most and nicest commercials.  It is simple math.  The side with the most money to spend on an issue is never going to be the side working for the consumer.

What or who do you always trust?

Consumer reports.  Didn’t I just write a thing on that?  Crap, I didn’t.  they are AMAZING.  They are a non profit, they don’t have ANY ads in their magazines.  They purchase outright everything they test.  Even cars… they don’t take cars from manufacturers.  They go to car lots with cash, anonymously, to buy the cars they test.  They don’t let companies use their ratings for endorsements.  It’s like $30 a year, and I get that much value out of EVERY single issue.

know who is out there fighting to keep you safe on the road?  Not the government!  AAA, and Consumer Reports.  Remember those little SUVS that were rolling over in the 80s?  and the Ford Exploders rolling over in the 90s?  Remember Pintos asploding?  Yeah, that was Consumer Reports.  Oh, and they get sued, a LOT.  Companies no likey when you explain their product will fucking kill you.  Guess what?  Consumer Reports has never lost a lawsuit ONCE.

What are some basic mechanics of a car everyone should know?

Glad you asked!  Since I work for AAA, I feel uniquely qualified to answer this.  I don’t think you should be issued a license until you can jump a battery and change a tire.  You would be amazed to know how few people can do that.

I would say less than half of the males under 40 either know how to, or care to, change their tires.  Now, I know its sexist to only point out men.  ANYONE who drives should know how to change a tire and jump a battery.  If you are a man, though… come on!  Don’t you feel an obligation to be manly, and save the day?  I shouldn’t bitch, the wussification of the American male pays my bills.  Ironically, pay for my (rather manly) truck.  Ok, speaking of that… those tires are HUGE.  I have to admit I would prolluy call AAA if I blew a tire on the side of the road.  Thing is, I could change it if I wanted to.  Why are you snickering?  I am fortunate, though, I buy these tires.  Never had a single flat tire in 15 years of running this tire.   and yes, I realize I just jinxed myself, stop tittering.  Stop the tittering AND the snickering.  I work for AAA, I get this shit free.  It would take me about an hour to do with our guys can do in 5 minutes.  You should see it, they are like NASCAR pit crews… its a thing of beauty.  Why don’t you have AAA?  It’s $75, and that gets you 4 tows/service calls a year.

ok. I accept that whole rant got a little preachy.  I apologize.  I ain’t deleting any of it, but I just read that last paragraph and I come off like a dick.  I’m not, I swear.  You are!

sorry, just been informed by my editor that last comment didn’t help.  What a dick!  valuable asset to the team.  (ed note:  he forgot he gave me his passwords.  What a dick!)

What is an odd mechanical/DYI skill you have that has become a life long superhero skill

Stereos.  I can wire anything up to anything, and I have all the cables and attachments for the last 30 years to do it.  Do you want your 15 year old receiver wired up to your new speakers, and your 5 year old blu ray player?  I can do that.  Need your microwave to run in surround sound, using your fridge as the subwoofer?  I can probably do that.

I have a collection of antiquated stereo equipment and connectors and cables that look like Radio Shack threw up in my basement.

What are the biggest product Scams?

I worry about all these pharma drug commercials… where they tell you what you have and the drug you need.  “Ask your Doctor about Fuqitol® today.”  And then they list all the shit in that drug that may kill you.  I don’t think this stuff should be advertised direct to consumers.  This is the doctor’s job.  These ads aren’t going anywhere, either.  Apparently, it is about 25% of television’s ad budget buys.  They rely on this jive.  Btw, your T is ALL fucked up!  You don’t have ‘Low T’, you got no T.  Your T left for Vegas with 2 hookers.  What kind of man are you, anyway.  You need Lono brand dick crème®… stat!

See, ‘low T’ isn’t really a thing. It’s called aging, and it’s natural.  You are supposed to be crazy jacked up on testosterone when you are 18, and not when you are 60.  This is why the military takes 18 year olds, and not 60 year olds.


I love you, have a great weekend.  I appreciate this outlet, and you reading.



1 thought on “Friday Fives – trust edition

  1. These come from reader Jme, also known as Jamie. More importantly… known as the Arizona Monkey Boy

    1. What do you never trust?

    Whatever type of contraceptive your mother uses.

    2. What or who do you always trust?

    Pill Cosby’s dentist

    3. What are some basic mechanics of a car everyone should know?

    Never help a guy with a broken arm… load a couch… in a windowless van.

    4. What is an odd mechanical/DYI skill you have that has become a life long superhero skill

    Let’s just say… I can check your oil… faster than a speeding bullet.

    5. What are the biggest product Scams?

    Extended warranties

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