Friday Fives – Shakespearean shit-talking edition

Image result for shakespearean mandala

Who surprises you the most at the fact that they are still alive?

Willie Nelson.  Not just because he is old, or maybe lived a storied and hard life.  I am amazed because the life of an itinerant musician is a lousy one.  This is eating weird catering every single day… for 50 years.  Never getting a good night’s sleep… for 50 years.  It’s like what William S Burroughs said about being a junkie.  He said junkies don’t live long, but not because of the drugs.  It is the lifestyle you live because of the drugs… that is what kills you.

We can assume he has a great rhythm, and probably the best dietitians and doctors available.. but that life is hard work.  Interesting, he has a big beautiful mansion back in Texas.  When he is home, though, he stays in his tour bus.  It makes sense.  He says that is his home and his rhythm and his kitchen… etc.

Which words sound perfectly normal, but look really dumb spelt out?

I’ll go with this word, because I love it so.  Also, because it apparently does not have an English equivalent.  It can be explained in English, but there is no single word in our language that can be used.   Schadenfreude.  Man, those Germans do not suffer fools.  Btw, never forget they have twice tried to take over the Earth recently (WW1 & WW2).  These are not good people, and this was not so long ago.  Don’t buy German shit.  Mercedes Benz, Hugo Boss?  All monsters who helped Hitler eradicate the Jews.   Sure, technically we are allies now.  That doesn’t carry much water with me.  Dylan addressed this issue beautifully right here.

Oh, and the word phonetic.  It is amusing that the word that means sounding things out slowly and intuitively is spelled in a super non-phonetic manner.

What is surprisingly NOT illegal in your country?

Assault weapons.  Listen, I know they are really really fun.  I have shot them, it is fantastic.  However, you do not need them to protect your home from the British, or to hunt.  It is an advanced weapon.  As a result, you should have to have training before you are allowed to use or carry one.  Just like a driver’s license.

Without swearing, what is your favorite insult?

Dunk.  It is an amalgam of bad words that I cannot say in polite company.  Mostly, it is an expletive I shout at, and in, traffic.  Dunk!  It’s like 4 mean swear words jammed into one.  You are welcome to use it, free.

A dad used to tell his children that the noise produced from the fan above the stove came from a creature named Kitchen Willy who lived in the walls; what ridiculous creatures or ghosts did your parents convince you that you were living amongst?

 I don’t have a story like that.  But that isn’t what is important right now.  What is important is talking about this story and your parents.  Let’s not say ‘a dad…’  you coward.  How about ‘my dad used to tell…’.  Your father is a monster!

What the fuck, buddy?  Your parents were either super high, or might be hobbits.  Get thee to a nunnery, stat! ‘Swounds!

tangent alarm.  I just went down a rabbit hole here.  A good editor would delete everything below.  I do not have one of those, though. It an aside on historical curse words.

Yeah, I just threw some Shakespearean f bombs at you.  300 years ago, ‘swounds!’ was ‘what the fucking fuck?”.   It is short for ‘God’s Wounds’.  As for ‘get thee to a nunnery’, that is Shakespearean speak for “you are a goddamn whore!  You are going to die soon and alone and probably with all the festering venereal diseases from all your whoring.  If you get yourself to a convent (and so back in God’s good graces) maybe you can escape hell.  If you somehow manage to live through your whoring, maybe the nuns can put your soul back together.”

Saying either one of these things 300 years ago would get you killed.

ok, actually that weird ‘Kitchen Willy’ story is awesome.  I don’t have kids.  If we did, I would totally fill their heads with that kind of nonsense.  Being left handed, I can come up with weird stuff like that all the time in real time.  It is something I would also not remember even ten minutes later having said.

In editing over this, I realize I come across all angry.  Odd.  not my style.  But I ain’t taking any of it down.  I am in a pretty good mood today, it’s my birthday!  You may now sing me ‘happy birthday’, as that song JUST became public domain in the last couple of years.  This is why when you go to hacky restaurants and the staff comes to the next table and sings a creepy and upbeat birthday related song…  that is why they never just sing ‘happy birthday to you’.  These restaurants would have had to pay to license that song to sing it at your table.    For some reason, these homemade birthday songs involve a ton of clapping.  Like… these places have stock in clapping, and need a write off.

Image result for restaurant staff singing happy birthday

Think of it like this, because this is very interesting stuff.  You could not rent out the Pepsi Center, and sell tickets to play Elton John songs.  Like, imagine you made up a play that revolves around Elton John songs, and wanted to put it on for people.  You might charge them $10 each, for your troubles.  You know you can’t do that, of course.  Elton owns the music.  You would have to get permission from him, AND pay him.  Per music copyright laws, it is the exact same thing if you plug in your iPod and play tunes at the bar from your Bluetooth speaker.

OR… they have a piano there, at this bar.  You have some beers, and you hop up and play an Elton John song.  Just for your friends at the bar.  Maybe you go to an open mic and do a couple John Prine songs.  If that bar doesn’t have a license with Ascap & BMI... it is no different than you trying to sell tickets to your Elton John song.  Ok. apologies.

Imagine you recorded your own version of ‘Your Song’ from Elton John.  Same words and chords and melody.  Imagine you then sold that recording and kept all the money.  Legally, to music publishers, this is no different from you playing ‘Your Song’ off your cell phone and a blue tooth speaker on the porch at Illegal Pete’s.

When I said this was interesting, I should have clarified.  It is interesting to me.

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