Massages, happy endings, and my #metoo moment

Image result for happy ending massage satire

Well, it finally happened.  I began to think long ago it never would. I didn’t want it to happen, honest.  But, I did kinda wonder how come I was never propositioned. Sort of like this – I was an Catholic Church alter boy when I was young. I was a VERY adorable child.  I am obviously  happy I was never molested. I can’t help but feel a little rejected in retrospect, though. This is sorta like that.

Related image

When you hear ‘massage parlor’, what comes to mind?  Massage Envy? A nice and well deserved 60 minutes of pampering?  Or… do you think ‘rub & tug’… or ‘happy ending’? I have been getting massages very often for the last decade or so.  My upper spine (C3, C4, & C5) is all fucked up. Massages are a blessing.

Most of my life, though, I was afraid to get a message.  Not because I am bothered by a stranger touching me. I don’t even mind if its a dude.  Sure, it’s a little weird to have a dude working over my body… but they have way stronger hands.  The reason I was afraid to get a message is the same reason every guy is, but they won’t admit it.   We are terrified we will fart, or get a boner. In… let’s say… about 40 messages over the years – I have never got an erection.  Thank god! I have probably farted once or twice, but nothing I even remember.

If you go to any massage place that isn’t a chain, it will be Asian women.  Always.  I have never asked for, or been asked for, a handjob happy ending. Lots of massage places have signs everywhere saying ‘no sex’… in a thousand different ways.  It really must be an issue. How come it has never happened to me? Obviously, they don’t offer it. There has got to a lot of legal concerns by the businesses.  By process of elimination, I have always assumed you have to ask for a ‘happy ending’. I have never tried it, because I genuinely don’t want one. I am curious, though.

But let’s say I did.

How, exactly, does one request a handjob full release happy ending?  What is the going rate? Can you negotiate?  I didn’t do it, and here is why. I have too much love and respect for my wifey.  She was the first one I told about this. I can’t say I am disgusted by the idea of a handy from a stranger, though.  I am not worried about disease. BUT, the one thing I also super worry about… what if that was a bust? Is that entrapment?  If I got busted doing that (or… er… having that done) would I have to register as a sex offender? That would ruin my life, and likely my marriage.

Lastly, she had pretty bony hands.  I mean, she was a tiny little Asian thing.  I wouldn’t have been a great handy massage. I mean, if I am going to accept handjobs from virtual strangers… can I order Chris Hemsworth?

1 thought on “Massages, happy endings, and my #metoo moment

  1. MMM… Bony hands… equals bony fingers. I’ll let you use your imagination on that mind movie. Or maybe you prefer 1 beefy sausage finger…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s