How much change did you want back?

All of it, you punk.  THEN… I will decide what your tip is.  And after that crack, it ain’t gonna be what it was.

I used to be delivery driver.  There is a sacred oath we live by.  You never ask for a tip.  Know that seen in every movie where the bellhop holds his hand out, or refuses to leave your room until you pay up?  Doesn’t happen, and has never happened.  Of course, I’ve never stayed in a place nice enough to deal with that.  Our job is to bring you food, and we are paid to do so.  Regardless of what that pay is, it is our job.  If you are wonderful enough to tip me, I super appreciate it.  I fully understand not everyone is in the position to tip me.  It’s like a company bonus; don’t ever count on it, and then you can only be pleasantly surprised.  I am not talking about servers**** They work for $2.25 an hour (did you know that?).  Their life depends on tips.  Oh, and I have never had a server say ‘how much do you want back’.

I did pretty well, and have zero complaints from my delivery days.  I loved that job!

Things have apparently changed, and you need to get all up offa my lawn!  When I get a sammich, or anything, delivered, I get this back from the driver when I pay cash “and how much did you want back?”  This infuriates me.  First world problem, for sure.

Are they being clever?  Is this an unconscious wordplay to remind me the transaction isn’t quite done?

Because I was a delivery driver, and because I am the ‘Hero of the Proletariat®’ I tip well.  It’s going to be between $2 and $5.  I know you need that money more than I do, and I know you are hustling way harder than I did for that money.  I know you are just destroying your car by doing this job.  I will hook you up, broseph.

UNLESS – you pull that shit about ‘how much do you want back?’   The subtext of what you are saying is “good sir, please don’t forget a tip.”  I get that.  Except, what I hear is “this transaction is far from done,  and you will tip me.  You are going to tip the shit out of me.  You are going to tip me over.  Only question is just how much are you giving me!”

I am not going to name names, I am above that.  Let’s just say the franchise that most recently pissed me off with this move rhymes with ‘Jimmy Johns’.

It’s a rather polite hold up, and I don’t like it.  Tell me, bosses aren’t instructing people to do this, are they?  If was their boss, I would make sure that never said that shit.  What do I say?  Nothing like I want to.  I am still always so taken about by that comment I pause for a minute.

I swear I know this is the pettiest of complaints and first world problems.  I know people are dying in the streets all over the world just praying for drinkable water, or a roof over there head.  I am not expecting Congress to intervene here.  Also, though, I am not wrong, am I?

Ok, just had to get that off my chest.  Now cut the shit out, and get off of my lawn!

lawn sitting

*** but wait, there is more (free bonus content)

Delivery Drivers – please keep the basic shit in your car!  If I am ordering a pizza, I shouldn’t have to say ‘oh, and bring some red peppers, please’.   When I delivered pizza, I kept plates, parm, napkins, and red pepper in my truck.  I always had this ready.  I always had napkins and plastic cutlery.  Why wouldn’t you?  It doesn’t cost you a penny, you just take it from work.  You will get a much better trip if you appear totally prepared.   When I delivered Chinese food for a living (best job ever, as I lived off Chinese Food for 2 years in college), you can bet your ass I had chopsticks in my car.  How much room does that take up?  None.  Get your shit together and have some pride in your job.

*** the difference between me and that guy in the picture above?  He actually will call the manager and complain.  Prolly write a letter, too.

**** Servers – want more money?  Bring change back in 1s.  Let’s say my total is $13.54, and I give you a $20.  Don’t bring back a $5 and a $1 and change.  I want to tip you more than $1, but not $6.   So… bring that change back as 6 single bills.

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