Yellowstone Park is here to kill you

I just spent an amazing and formative week in Yellowstone National Park.

Imagine a lab of earthly tortures.  Imagine HH Holmes building a 10,000 acre terrarium of pain.  Imagine a place for bad people designed entirely by the first Testament God.  You know, the really really really angry god.  Not that ‘New Testament’ Jesus loves you all’ BS.

That is what Yellowstone National Park is.  I know what you are picturing – Buffalo in the road, and ‘Old Faithful’ in the background.  Yes, those things are assuredly there.  That isn’t the real picture, though.  The real picture is this – death from below.

Doesn’t that look beautiful and tranquil?  The correct answer is no!  That is a boiling pit of Sulphur death!  All of Yellowstone is covered in these, we must have seen close to a hundred.  You also see beautiful pictures of rolling forests… and that is there.  You walk through these forests and you find shit like this – the ‘clay pots’.   Kinda neat, huh?

NO it isn’t.  That is motherfucking boiling Sulphur death mud!

I call these ones the cauliflower pools.  It’s a super sciencey term.  Looks refreshing.  It isn’t.  It is literally a death pool on every possible level.  You can’t even get this close, because you can’t breathe.  They have signs around the park that explain if your kid runs into one of these pools, do NOT try and save him.  You will be dead, as well.

It was an amazing trip, and I will positively be back.  But I am coming back in a thermal suit and chain mail.  I am going to fight these fuckers back to nature… for Amerika!


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