Stop buying pick up trucks

leave trucks alone

**** udpate June 2021 bottom

America, just stop buying pick up trucks! You have ruined them. No more.  I’d rather a single pickup truck never be sold than to see what you people have done to them.  I am going to use the term ‘truck’ and ‘pick up truck’ interchangeably here.  Now let me tell you why I don’t even want a new truck.

This isn’t about the environment, which they are terrible for.  This isn’t about the fact that the grills are so stupidly high they are killing pedestrians.   Haven’t they always?  No.  In accidents where pedestrians are hit, they used to live.  You have a few broken bones, but most of your torso used to land on the hood.

Which they are.  Chevy, I am looking in your directly with this nonsense.  I have joked about this, but it WILL come true.  On modern trucks, you don’t just need a back up camera.  You literally need a forward camera mounted on the bumper.  Initially, I just linked to the picture of the new Chevy truck.  But this is SO fucking dumb and dangerous I want to make sure you don’t miss it.

truck grill

Give me ONE reason to have a grill/ front of truck this tall off the ground.  It doesn’t help clearance, it doesn’t add air flow to the engine, it certainly doesn’t make it more gas efficient by aerodynamics.  I have been behind the wheel of this truck.  You can’t see a fucking thing out the window closer than about 20 yards away.  This design is anti environment, and anti human beings who opt to walk.  I am guessing its to look more bad ass.  I get that, but I’d rather be able to see out the windows and stuff.

I went to get a truck, because I tow stuff.  What stuff?  Horses, smart ass!  Anyhow, since we gooseneck, we needed a full size bed (or… box).  This means 6 feet.   Guess what?  They don’t make them anymore, because of you assholes.  Trucks are no longer built to haul.  See, people want a big ass interior.  To do that, they shorted the truck beds dramatically.   Why?  Because people don’t put stuff back there much anymore.

Then why the fuck did you buy a truck?  You asshole.

This is kinda interesting to me, trucks that used to be trucks but are now clearly cars.  This is a 1990 Nissan Pathfinder.  It was a truck.

1990 Nissan Pathfinder | Vehiculos, Autos

WAS a truck.  Now, its a car.

2020 Nissan Pathfinder Review, Pricing, and Specs

More specifically, like every car on the market, its basically a Subaru Outback.  Next time you are in any parking lot in America… look at the cars.  It would seem about 70% of every car you see is a variation on the Subaru Outback.  It really is the perfect car, we are on our second.

This, below… it was a Ford Explorer.  It was a truck, and I can prove it.  It not only looked like a truck, but it would not hesitate to roll over and kill you.  Now that is a truck!

The History of the Ford Explorer, from 1990 to Today

Maybe you don’t recognize it.  Let’s try this image

the-flipped-over-pickup-truck - Ford-Trucks.com

anyhow, its not a truck anymore.  Which is fine with me, its just odd they keep the names of these things.

2020 Ford Explorer - Albany, NY | DePaula Ford

it is a very pretty car.  But alas, it is a car.  Am I just playing semantics?  No, trucks are cars are built very different.  Cars are ‘unibody’, which means its built basically like it looks like it was built.  Trucks are built on a ladder frame.  This is what a truck looks like underneath the body.

Here's Why A Ladder Chassis Is So Right For Off-Roaders

I chatted with the dealer (as I was shopping for my 6th pickup truck).  He said he only had 1 single truck in the entire lot that had a regular 6 foot bed.  That isn’t even long, btw.  A ‘long box; is 8 feet.  This means there was 1 single truck in the entire lot of pickup trucks that could tow my horses.  I asked the dealer why they don’t make the regular size truck beds.  He explained ‘people haul people now, not stuff’.  Hmm.  Ok.

Then buy a Suburban, you assholes, why did you buy a truck?  The Suburban is big enough to hold all your shit, be able to tow significantly, be able to fold down the seats and sleep in the back, and still lousy enough gas mileage to think you are driving a pick up truck.  Leave pick up trucks alone

They advertise the truck can tow 11K pounds.  That is great.  Most American trucks used to haul 7k pounds.  Every domestic truck (of the 150, or 1500 class… same thing) hauled 7K pounds.  Until the Tundra came along, which could tow 11K right out of the box.  Its why I bought one, and apparently many others bought one.  This is because now, most American trucks are getting closer to that 11K pound towing mark.  I went to see the Dodge, and all of their trucks only towed 8k pounds.  What is with the advertisement, then, that says 11K pounds.  “oh, that is the 3.8 gear ratio.  All of these are the 3.2 ratio.”

it used to be to get a truck in four wheel drive, you first locked the hubs.  Then, you physically and manually shifted the transmission into 4×4.  It was active participation.  Sure, it was a pain in the ass, but it made me feel manly.  like… I was participating in life.  Speaking of shifting, it used to be you could buy a truck in a stick shift.  Those don’t exist anymore.  Ford, for example, announced like 10 years ago they were getting rid of them.  Why?  Because you are a pussy!  Oh… you meant ‘why have a stick shift?’  It’s for ‘engine braking’.  In Colorado, we have these wonderful mountains… which make towing a deadly nightmare in the Winter.  If you going down a hill with a trailer, and you want to slow… you can’t depend on the breaks  if it’s clear, using the brakes to slow yourself will just overheat them.  If its snowy… using the breaks means your trailer comes back around in a ‘jack-knife‘ and says hello to you.  You have to gear down, and use the transmission for ‘engine breaking’.  I’ll not explain what that means, just that it isn’t practically available in an automatic transmission.

They lots with these ‘toppers’.  Man, oh man, do these piss me off.  It’s these.  Why buy a pick up truck if you are going to just cover up the utility part of it?  the buyer might say “oh, its great!  With these, you can throw a couple sleeping backs in back, go camping, and boom you get a bed in the back of the truck”.  Its stupid.  You want to sleep in the back of your car?  How about a van, or a suburban, or a Subaru Outback?  How about one of the millions of cars designed with the back being covered?  In fact, that is EVERY single car… except for pick up trucks.  Let’s debunk each goddamn stupid idea rationalization for these – this next two are just about the camper/topper.

Well, its on a truck, so I can go anywhere, for camping.  You mean the high clearance afforded to you by the truck?  That was a thing, isn’t anymore.  My wife’s Subaru has higher ground clearance than my RAM truck.  I measured it.  the back seats on that car fold flat, and creates a huge surface that is absolutely sleepable.  If we are going car camping, we take the Subaru.

If you want to use the back for stuff, you just pop the topper off and it’s a truck again!  Obviously, you have never actually done this.  I have, and it sucks.  Taking off one of those toppers is a HUGE pain in the ass.  They are incredibly heavy, and take up your entire garage once you have it off.  There is absolutely no way 1 person could remove this by themselves.  As a result, people who have these (understandably) don’t ever take them off.  You no longer have a pick up truck now, you have a wildly inefficient SUV.

Truck crashes into trailer, sending boat onto roof of vehicleToyota Tundra offers the new ‘boating package’

And there is this point (we are past the toppers, now) “I like it because we get snow and stuff.  I like the clearance, and the four wheel drive”.  Jesus, man, do some research?  I already mentioned my wife’s sedan has as much clearance as my truck (which I resent, obviously).  It also, like most cars now, has all wheel drive.  All wheel drive is FAR FAR FAR more effective in nasty weather than four wheel drive.   The difference?  In all wheel drive, a computer adjusts control to the wheels.  It is brilliant in icy situations!  My wife, quite rightly, far prefers her Subaru over the truck in inclement weather. For decades, these attributes (decent ground clearance and all wheel/4 wheel drive) were stock only on trucks and Subarus.  Now, virtually every passenger car has the option.  Btw, stop calling it a ‘cross over’, while I am bitching about stuff.  Its not a ‘cross over’ of anything.  It is a station wagon.

Explain to me how this is different than this?  Its just marketing, you doofus!

Listen, I never minded when y’all bought trucks and didn’t use them as trucks.  I did the same thing, too.  I had pick up trucks for a decade before we got horses (and the need to haul them).  My concern is so many of you assholes have done this that it has eliminated the truck market.  They changed pick up trucks to please you bougey assholes.  It was fine, until trucks stopped being able to carry stuff, or tow stuff, or even set stuff in the back’.  Just don’t buy one, please.  They get shitty gas mileage, the ride is terrible, and its impossible to do a uturn in an area smaller than South Dakota.  Before anything else, a truck should be useful and utilitarian.  a working vehicle.  It was, too… until you assholes got involved!

Going forward, you will not be allowed to buy a truck unless you can answer some questions, buster.

  • What are you hauling?
  • What is the difference between bumper pull and gooseneck?
  • What does ‘tongue weight’ mean?
  • Tongue weight should be exactly what percentage of the trailer’s total weight?
  • If I say ‘is that a 2, or 2 and five sixteenths?’, what am I talking about?

If you answered “none of you fucking business, dipshit.  If I want a truck I’ll buy a goddamn truck!” – then you have passed the test.  You can have a truck  And… if you can kick my ass, you can actually have my truck.

*** lastly, anyone who puts these on a truck should have his own cut off.  A person who hangs these is a rapist.  That is a scientific fact.

Update June 2021 – remember how i joked they need not just backup cameras… but forward ones,too.  I was Correct again!

 

2 thoughts on “Stop buying pick up trucks

  1. This is your author. That was too long, but wanted to sum up. It’s fine for ME to have a truck, just not you. Kind of a dick philosophy, I know. I am not only crazy for trucks, but I can tell you the minute I fell in love.

    31 years ago, in college, I was delivery driving in my little Honda accord. On a very snowy Flagstaff day, I slid into the back of a pick up truck. It did a couple thousand dollars damage to my car. Her truck? It got some paint on the bottom of her bumper hitch. She was kind and laughed it off, no need for cops (or a ticket… or my insurance company possibly seeing I was delivering and not cover me). Since that moment, I knew a pickup truck was the only proper vehicle for me. I have had a bunch. Here they are in order

    Nissan little truck, 2wd
    Toyota Tacoma
    Toyota Tacoma
    Then we got horses, and a horse trailer
    Ford F250 superduty powerstroke (with the beast of a 7.3 liter diesel)
    Ford F250 superduty powerstroke
    Toyota Tundra
    Dodge Ram (my current truck)

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