Friday Fives > What’s the Matter with Kansas edition

Mindful Families: Mandala-Making Practice by Mindfulness in the Heartland  in Kansas City, MO - Alignable

6.2.21 – udpate at bottom.  A letter from the editor

What are you going to do this weekend?

What are you, a cop or something?  What’s with all the questions.  I am going to Kansas, are you happy?  I have never been to Kansas.  I am kinda proud of this.  We have lived Kansas adjacent for 25 years, I have never stepped foot there.  not driven across.  This weekend, though, I pop my Kansas cherry.  Taking the truck, with the Grateful Dead sticker.  That should go over well.  Here is how I NOT get shot in Kansas.  If I get pulled over, and the cop asks what the hippy sticker is for.  I will tell him I stole the truck from ‘some fag’ that I beat up.  I know that is terrible to say.  But you don’t understand, Kansas is the most homophobic place possibly on Earth.  These are folks who very seriously believe that 9/11 was punishment from god because gay people exist.  My last words on that, are this – remember Fred Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church folks?  Yeah, Kansas.

admittedly, it isn’t smart to spend half an hour bitching about Kansas before I head there.  Unless this gets post to Fox News, I don’t think they are reading this.  I don’t think they read.

If that doesn’t get me out of a ticket, I’ll tell him I was in a hurry to my child bride’s 8th grade pageant.  Why did I make the leap from everyone in Kansas being a homophobe (fact) with them being pedophiles? ‘Cause its funny.  Well, they clearly don’t believe in science there, either.  They don’t believe in climate change, and I think they have more god attached reasons for that.  While I am not positive that every single person in Kansas is a science fearing, gay hating, trump loving half hit… I will assume as such. I will look no one in the eye.

At least my truck is a Dodge.  My last truck was a Tundra.  Ten years ago, had I gone to Kansas, I would have been in a Japanese truck, with an Obama sticker and a Grateful Dead sticker.  They woulda killed me dead.

What’s your favorite way to spend time?

This isn’t cool to say, but I dig working.  I dig my job.  I have a great job, and I get to help people for a living.  They pay me well… and I am working from home.  I like driving.  Heck, we have an 8 hour drive tonight to see our friends.

What’s the most useless thing you own that you would never get rid of?

I am not going to make a wife joke here.  You should.  But I don’t.  My dogs

Have you started planning your next vacation?

I assume we are talking about something bigger than going to Kansas for the weekend?  The summer is pretty mapped out, no more big trips this year.  Like… likely nothing even out of state.  We just got back from a couple weeks in Mexico.  Next big trip will probably Switzerland, and hit it up from the Italian Alps side.  We saw a Rick Steves thing on GimmewaldRick Steves is the shit, btw.  I have been lucky enough to be all over the world.  I have used many guidebooks.  I actually used to write for Lonely Planet.  I am sure Lonely Planet is still around, but they lost the fire in their belly.  Now, when I travel, its with Rick Steves.  Plus, he is a good dude.  He kept his entire staff paid during Covid.  He also gives his content free to youtube and PBS.  He is also a big marijuana advocate.  The Switzerland thingy would be 2022.  UNLESS… Sean and Lorrie wanna to Ireland.  We will absolutely table Switzerland for that next year.  You reading this, Sean and Lorrie?  Of course not.  They aren’t reading.  They can’t read.  Until they get a good lawyer, I don’t see them making it out of solitary confinement.  Say hello to my mother while you are there.

Also, since I am likely the only one reading… Nixon and Lisa… we want to travel with you guys.  Anywhere.  Same with Lance and Fernanda!  When you travel with people, especially big international type trips… you get to know people.  You see people’s stress fractures.  I am not here to name names of who we won’t travel with.  But… I DO want to throw in an endorsement for those couples mention.  I am sure once the Grand Jury releases their findings, I’ll prolly totally get my passport back.

What is the deal with a ‘Grand Jury’?  Sure, I could google it, and prolly will.  It only seems attached to really big crimes.  I think we can all agree when you here ‘empanel a grand jury’ that dude is guilty.  Yes, that is a lot of generalization.  I assume we are talking about high level murder or organized crime.  With all regard to Elizabeth Holmes, its usually a dude.  I can say ‘guily’ because I am NOT the courts.  Its their job to be fair, not mine.  I am the supreme court… of public opinion.®

Are you very active, or do you prefer to just relax in your free time or is it one and the same to you?

The latter.  Let’s be honest, I am lazy… coupled with ADD.  It means I don’t want to go anywhere to do things, necessarily.  BUT, it also means I can’t sit still.  Ever seen me sitting around and watching tv?  “He hasn’t moved for hour”?  Nope.  Not once.  Not even my wifey of 25 years has seen that.  So, I like to stay home and relax.  How I relax, though, is cleaning and watching tv.

I should… should say something like “it’s not the people of Kansas holding back the nation, progress, literacy, accountability, reality… it’s the leadership.  it’s their dastardly uncaring Congressional leaders.  The people, though, the people are great.  Salt of the Earth, hard working good Americans”

I won’t say that, though.  Because… these folks are the ones who elect these odious ill tempered dipshits.  I am heading there soon and will be there for several days.  Let’s just hope I come back with a big ole apology post about how wrong I was.

*** udpate from the editor

which is me, btw. Spent four days in Kansas, just got back. It was WONDERFUL! the drive? Everyone laments the drive. The drive was easy. Yeah, its straight and flat. Speed limit was 75, so I had cruise control pegged at 83 there at back. Was 8 hours each way. Normally, a drive like that would get split by the wifey and I. But, I really liked the drive. Also, everything was crazy green. We have been in a drought cycle for the last 20 years, so even rainy times feel marginal and less than whole. The last month for Colorado (and I assume Kansas) has been a bonanza. I was worried about intolerance, I have to admit. I think I have expected billboards to say ‘blacks go home’. There wasn’t that. They do love their Trump, and their Jesus, though. Both had several billboards celebrating them.

I was visiting Lawrence, KS. I know of this town only because of its association with William S Burroughs. These days, and those days, its mostly a college town. Due to that, its apparently wildly liberal. Maybe that is why I felt so comfortable there. Lastly, we didn’t interact with the townfolk much, as we stayed with friends a bit out of town on their ranch. I can’t remember a time I even slept so well. Yeah, Kansas was pretty great. I told my buddy this, let’s call him “Scott”. He explained we mostly lucked out. That most of Kansas weather is shitty and humid. Most of the time just about everything is dried out and dead from drought. and that most of the state is still super right wing anti tolerant gay blaming and all of that. it was what I was expecting the whole time, and glad I was wrong. Even the weather was just perfect when we were there. here is a pic I took with my phone. This is our friends ranch just outside of Lawrence.

*** udpate on driving strategies. I have read that Kansas police are notorious for targeting out of state cars for speeding. its smart, honest. Bust the tourists and shelter the locals. Thing its Kansas… I am not going to not speed. its not that i disregard the people, safetely, or laws of Kansas. Its that Kansas is flat there so there is no reason not to be safely doing about 90mph.

this was my idea. kansas doesn’t require front plates (which Colorado does). So, once we crossed into Kansas, I just took my CO plates on the front. Wifey called me dumb and neurotic. Yet… EVERY single traffic stop I saw that weekend was with cars with our state plates. We didn’t get pulled over ever. But we didnt speed that much. i think speed limit across the state was 75. So, i kept my cruise control at 83. It was perfect, and we really did enjoy the drive. Except for those yellow cropdusters doing gonzo stunts over the freeway when we crossed the borders. Everyone else knew about them, too. its a thing, really. It was terrifying. the flying was SO fast and dangerous and barrel rolls and all this right on top of the freeway. Well, it really is a thing. i googled it


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s