Friday Fives – banning stuff

Mandala Turtle (rare species) - Coloring Papercraft - Hattifant

If you had the power to shut down a company for good, which company would it be?

Ticketmaster.  While the ideal convenience of ordering a concert ticket from your cell phone is pretty great, its also moot.  It doesn’t happen.  Between scalpers and fees, any concert that costs $75 on paper is going to be about $300.  That is fine if it’s a once in a lifetime event, but I used to go to rock concerts every month.  My last count of ticket stubs from 1997 to 2020 was at 250 nationally touring rock concerts.  I want TM out because, among other things, its too easy to get a concert ticket.

My thought being, without TM I think it would be possible to get tickets again.  Here is some old timey ‘get off my lawn’ type info.  I recall getting tickets to see AC/DC on the ‘Who Made Who’ tour (ed: note 1986, so our author was 14) at Tower Records.  At 14, I didn’t have a car, obviously.  No sir, I biked to Tower Records – 3 miles in the Arizona heat to get tickets.  I got them, and went to the show, and it was AMAZING needless to say.  If Ac/dc toured now… and they might be touring… it would cost several hundred bucks.  See, scalpers weren’t biking 3 miles to Tower Records to stand in line all morning to get tickets.  I don’t need to illuminate my hatred for TM any further.  But if I could Thanos out any company, it would be them.  Next?  Would be the NFL, or the Catholic Church.  It’s a close tie on those two for evilness.

If you could ban one song from the airwaves, what would it be?

I have no problem with what you want to listen to.  Oooh, wait.  I thought of something.  Golden Earring’s Grand Funk Railroad ‘I’m your captain’.  The body of the song is actually pretty good.  What makes it the worst thing to happen since Chris Brown is the outro.  For an extra 4 minutes there is nothing but “I’m getting closer to my home” about once every 15 seconds for an addition 6 minutes.  Just want to throat punch the guy by the 13th one and tell him “we get it, your almost home, shut up already!”  Don’t believe me?  You are likely used to the radio edit which cuts a lot of that out.  Go ahead, see for yourself.  The song is effectively over by 4:23 seconds.  And it’s a 10:12 minute song!

Speaking of outtros – one of my favorite songs in the world is just an outro.  I have to admit as a musicologist, I am not totally sure the term ‘outtro’ exists.  The outro to Layla is just the absolute best.  Back in the Napsters days it was easy to chop of music.  I took the outro of Layla and made it its own stand alone track.  Then, I dumped the rest of the song.  Really, you can think of the whole song of ‘Layla’ as just an intro for the last 2 minutes of music outro.  Here, enjoy it.  You will recognize it immediately.  I took out the cumbersome first 4 minutes of the song… where Eric Clapton illuminates us on how bad he wants to bang his best friend’s wife.

If you could cancel one television show or moment from the airwaves, what would it be?

I have no problem with what you want to watch.  But… I’ll tell you a story anyway.  When I was younger, I had a deep hatred for the show ‘He Haw’.  I didn’t get a second of it, and didn’t get how it would last for years.  I figured there was no possible way that show had the ratings to validate its existence.  Certainly not in Phoenix, AZ.  Maybe this is how people think or talk in the bible belt.  But then I figured out how they did it.  I cracked the code.  They would put He Haw on after a really good show.  I recall it had a lead in of the ‘A Team’ at one time, and on Saturdays it was preceded by ‘Greatest American Hero’.  I surmised the only way that show was surviving is Neilson families would watch a good show.  A real show…  like ‘the A Team’ and fall asleep.  So the programming would roll on while you slept.  Really, I spent far too many hours thinking of things like this when I was younger.

What movie should just not exist?

I have no problem with what movie you want to watch..  But, I do have this…..  just kidding.  No beef or rant here.  Enjoy yourself.  I think it was Darth Pope who said “Do what thou wilt, that shall be the whole of the law”

What typical American behavior should be banned outright?

Speaking only one language.  I think every kid in public school should learn another language.  Like every other country on earth does.


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