About Lono

My name is Lono. I live in Parker, CO. I have a wifey, horses, dogs, cats, and fish. I write here, as well as a music site www.maybeiamwrong.com I am also in a band called Clownfight. IamCorrect at Gmail.com

Friday Fives – Breakfast club edition

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What was your favorite breakfast during childhood?

 Cereal.  You know, the sugary junk.  Man, that was great!  Remember Cookie Crisp?  It wasn’t a cereal that was like cookies. It wasn’t even cereal.  It was just a bag of small chocolate chip cookies.  God Bless America!

Am sure you know by now, but grocers famously kept kids food very low.  They still do this.  It serves two purposes, really.  The first, of course, is so this food is right at the eye level of kids.  Bonus secondary purposes… it is out of the site view of adults.  The idea being, you (as a parent shopper) don’t even notice that garbage.  You don’t have your defenses loaded when that little snotrocket reptository runs up and throws it in your cart.  If you are an asshole, like I was… you might sneak it in the cart and bury it a bit.

That way, it doesn’t turn up until the register… where the parent is likely so eager to get out of the store they put up little fight.

 2  .Why is a muffin considered a legitimate breakfast option but cake isn’t? 

 You are overthinking this.  If I had to hazard a guess, I would say sugar content.  Of course, I can’t help but think of the brilliant Cosby bit where he had to watch the kids.  They needed breakfast, so he fed them chocolate cake.  He reasoned it had Eggs and wheat and milk and butter… like any breakfast.  And we got this little melody out of it – “Dad is great!  Gave us the chocolate cake!”  If I am speaking gibberish, Youtube it.  When I was way young (single digits) my brothers and I would listen to Cosby tapes when we went to bed.  His old old bits about he and his brother Russell sharing a room together (as my brothers and I did) was just the best!

What beverage do you typically drink with each of the 3 meals (breakfast, lunch, dinner)?

Water.  Don’t drink milk anymore, and I have never like soda.  Still don’t.  You wouldn’t see a Coke in my hand unless it was mixed with bourbon.  I don’t even do that much, anymore.  Trying to be mindful of my weight… and look like a grownup.. . I just drink a decent whiskey over ice

What is your favorite grownup breakfast cereal?  And as a child?

Frosted Flakes.  Speaking of that, we are apparently talking about breakfast food and cereal.  I was just reminded of a funny and great compromise I made with my dad.  He was a marathon runner, and so ate very well.  He hated that I was eating all that sugary garbage, and wouldn’t let me have any.  Me being me… I took the business approach and negotiated.  He liked shredded wheat, and thought I should eat that.  No thanks, not even a tiny bit appealing.  BUT… I reasoned… how about if we split the difference?  Frosted Shredded Wheat.  He agreed that was a fair compromise.  What a little shit I was!

What’s the greatest breakfast food invention of all time?

Bacon!  Easy to cook.  Super tasty.  Travels well.  Needs no utensils to manage, Easy to acquire.  Can be found in any restaurant menu in America.

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Friday Fives – something or other

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What’s really stressing you out right now?

 Nothing for you to worry about, but thank you for asking

 What nice gesture actually bothers you?

 When people load my dishwasher.  It is ALWAYS a nice gesture.  But… then I look in there and think – were you raised by blind wolves?  Why not just throw everything I own out the window, as that is pretty much the effect this shit job will have.

 What’s something people do that screams “I’m looking for attention?”

 Everything we do does that.  It’s human nature.  We are the star of our own movies, and think we are absolutely fascinating.  Geesh, like me writing this drivel here.   Really, though, I write 90% for myself… to keep myself sane and amuse myself.  Also, so several years later I can very often say “see, I told you so.  YEARS ago.  Here is proof!”

 What is your best example of ‘two kinds of people’?

 Us left handed folk, and then everyone else.

  How are you trying to be a better version of you?

 Trying to reading my Buddhist book a little every day

Friday Fives – tiempo para futbol

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The NFL season begins tonight.  Do you follow football? If so, when did you start to follow the game?

Yes I do.  I LOVE football, and in fall I kinda build my life around it.  As for how long, never remember not being involved or watching.  Watching my perennially hapless Bills blow it year after year.   Four superbowls in a row!  No one remembers that.  They remember us losing 4 superbowls in a row. Norwood! (shakes fist in the air).

Don’t worry if you don’t get that reference, Bill Buckner does.

I have written a good bit about the NFL in these pages, rarely was it nice.  I am conflicted.  I LOVE pro football, but I HATE the NFL as an organization.

Why do NFL teams get the title of ‘world champions’ when no other nationality competes?

Why is the heavy lifter ‘mister universe’?  those aliens have mad lifting skills, you speciest!

If Americans started calling soccer “football” like the rest of the world, what would be a good name to replace American football with?

Corporate Smashmouth®

In 10 words or less, explain American football to a foreigner. 

That wasn’t a catch.  Didn’t complete ‘further act of football’.  *** was that ten?  I am a musician, don’t come at me with math, bro.

 You can remove one rule from the NFL. What is it and what does it do to the game?

Instead, I am adding a rule.  I wrote about this years ago.  If a QB can throw a ball up in the air, and catch SAME ball… and get in the endzone… that is worth 14 points.  Think how much more entertaining ‘upside down’ games would be!  Instead of tuning out a game where team is down by 30 points… you would be ALL the more needing to stay and watch… knowing they would execute that play.  You are welcome, 4th quarter advertisers.

 

 

 

 

Friday Fives – more movies, I guess

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What movie can you watch over and over without ever getting tired of?

there are many, but tops is probably Princess Bride.  I know that isn’t exactly a deep reveal.  Lemme see if I can give you a ‘deep reveal’.  the movie Big Fish.  It is just absolute perfection.  I don’t know any of the dialogue to it, but it is masterfully made.  Imagine this for a second… imagine if Tim Burton tried to make a beautiful movie… instead of a dark movie.   Well, he did!  This is Tim Burton.  This means, of course, he gave his wife every roll in the film.

but seriously, find it and BUY it.  Don’t just rent it.

Wanna go deeper, and weirder?  the favorite movie of my youth was Harold and Maude.  It’s literally a Tim Burton film before Tim Burton was born.  Cat Stevens does the whole soundtrack, too.

Replace a word in a movie titles with “fuck”, what’s the movie about now? 

we goin’ rule 34?  Big Fucking Fish.  Hmm.  Pretty sure that is about Kanye and fish sticks, fam.

Which minor character do you wish had their own spinoff?

I think we could all watch a feature film of Miracle Max’s life.

What is the biggest movie plot-hole you have ever seen?

nothing I can think of.  I am a pretty big fan of suspension of disbelief.  I LOVE movies.  When I can, I watch a movie every night.  Sadly, I am not a big critical thinker on this stuff.  I know there are people who LIVE to find these errors, and it seems so sad.  You watch a movie to be entertained, and to put yourself in their hands.  if you do this to look for problems, you should put that energy into science.

What movie made you most paranoid after watching it?

I don’t watch scary or horror movies.  I can’t handle them.  Here is an example, years ago we were watching a Nicole Kidman horror movie called (I think) the Hours.  So long ago, it was probably on VHS.  We were watching it at night.  I was so freaked out I had to stop it and could only finish it in the daylight.

YET… if these horror movies are thoughtful and interesting, I am in.  I loved Get Out, and I think ‘Cabin in the Woods’ was brilliant!  Tucker and Dale vs Evil is also super super good.  On the other hand… something like ‘Saw’… I could never watch that.  And if I did… it would have to be daylight out.  Not something I could watch at home in the dark.

 

 

Friday Fives – It’s Electric!

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What isn’t nearly as dangerous as people think?

Electricity.  Working on electrical in your place is EASY.  Just turn off the main breaker.  Electrical is super simple, you have 3 wires at most.  When you do turn the breaker back on, nothing will explode.  If you did it wrong, it will quickly and safely short out on the breaker panel.  Rinse and repeat.  It is plumbing that scares the hell out of me.  Not because of poo, either… but plumbing done wrong can cause thousands of dollars of damage quickly.  And there are no safeties built in with water like there is for electrical.

btw, this isn’t a brag.  I often do really really dumb things around electricity.  We have a horse fence that is very strong.  You know, enough to freak out a 1200 pound animal.  If you touch that, it isn’t bad.  It’s just a light shock… like a 9 volt battery on your tongue.  Unless… that is… you accidentally grounded yourself.  How do you do that?  Well, you are grabbing the fence handle that hooks around the gate.  Hooking it on the gate like that completes the circuit and makes the whole thing live.

Turns out, there are other ways to ‘complete the circuit’.  I know it sounds like some kind of porn expression also involving tequila.  I wish it were! On more than one occasion, I have found myself against the gate with my torso.  This part of the fence is metal, and dazzlingly conductive.  If your arm brushes up against that little metal string filament… it’s showtime.  Wifey said she heard me scream from inside the house… a football field away with all the windows and doors closed.

Point being, I am more Doc Brown than Nicola Tesla.  BUT… doing electrical in the home is no big deal.  Get out there and start sticking forks into sockets… it’s pretty great.

What flaws do people often brag about?

Not following the basics of politics.  “oh, I don’t pay attention to all that noise.”  Well, you MUST.  It’s how we fix things and hold these bastards accountable.  They count on the electorate not caring.

What is the loudest thing you’ve managed to sleep through?

An earthquake.  Well, mostly slept through.  I woke up one night hearing the drunken idiot roommates bashing around upstairs.  This was college, and an old house… so this wasn’t news.  Turns out it was an earthquake.  Didn’t know until the next day.  Being from AZ, and this was in AZ (Flagstaff)…. We don’t get earthquakes.  It wasn’t until I was vacationing outside of LA that I finally got to be in a proper one.  It was rad.

What’s the cringiest thing you’ve ever seen a person do in public?

Breast feed!  Just kidding.  Who could be offended by feeding a baby?  Or anything that involves naked boobs?

I can’t think of anything offhand.  I saw a dead guy in college.   Does that count?  Admittedly, and thankfully, I’ve had a pretty great and sheltered life.

What’s the dumbest thing you believed as a child?

That water was free.  Like, that the water that came out of your tap at home was a magical and god given right as a taxpayer.  Thought the same about garbage collection.  Man was I disappointed when I finally became a homeowner!

and that adults had their shit together.  You assumed everyone’s parents were regular functioning working people.  Not like me and my dipshit friends.  Then, you realize there is no normal, and all your dipshit buddies are now adults and raising kids.

 

friday fives – light traffic reading

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What is the weirdest thing you’ve seen while in traffic?

Driving on the highway/freeway in Florida about ten years ago.  We are going freeway speeds… about 60 or 70.  Looked to the right, and saw a lady in a sedan reading a paperback.  Driving… and had a paperback book braced against the steering wheel.  Found this photo on google, but it replicates the idea.  Imagine looking over and seeing this guy pacing you at 60 mph.

 

Add ‘ing’ to the end of a movie title, what is the movie about now?

Spinal Tapping – a movie about groupie sex for back surgeons

What is the funniest name you have actually heard used in the real world?

Saw this today, on caller ID at work.   True story.  Donkey Love.  Not sure which name was first and last… but either way it is pure gold, Jerry.

What is something that you absolutely hate waiting for?

The meds to kick in

What game did you have an unhealthy addiction with at one point?

10×10 game on my cell phone… a kind of reverse tetris

 

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Dennis Wilson caused Charlie Manson

Strong statements, I know.  Lemme ‘splain.

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Dennis Wilson, in my eyes, created the monster that is Charlie Manson.  You may or may not know that Charlie’s goal in life wasn’t to be the greatest psycho of all time.  Charlie was a musician, and took that very very very seriously.  Charlie wanted to be a folk rock star.  Charlie was hanging around SoCal trying to get his songs heard, published… etc.  This is all harmless so far.  Charlie meets Dennis Wilson of the Beach Boys.  This wasn’t a ‘nice to meet you’ at a cocktail party.  Charlie and his girls moved in with Dennis.  They partied and recorded together.  Dennis thinks Charlie is a genius, and true musical talent.  Problem was… Dennis was the only one who saw that. Dennis brought a Charlie song to the Beach Boys and it was released and very successful.  Fun thing was, Dennis changed the lyrics and took all the credit for the tune. Charlie no likey that.

“We actually recorded that song,” the Beach Boys’ Mike Love says in the excerpt. “I was never told the origins of the song. As far as I knew, Dennis had written it.”

The song theft enraged Manson, who threatened Wilson and at one point left a bullet on the drummer’s bed. “I gave Dennis Wilson a bullet, didn’t I? I gave him a bullet because he changed the words to my song,” Manson told Diane Sawyer in an infamous interview.

It’s important to note, Dennis Wilson was mostly a drunken asshole who was lucky enough to be born adjacent to Brian Wilson.  Also, a stunningly handsome dude.  I am not sure why I felt compelled to add that… but just look at the guy.

So.. Charlie finds Dennis… a couple of narcissistic aholes.  Dennis thinks Charlie is a really good musician and his songs are worthy.  Fact is, that is likely true… we’ll never know.  Remember, before Hitler tried to take over the world… he was just an artist who wanted to go to art school. He was a pretty good artist, too.  Dennis thinks Charlie is so great, he introduces him to Terry Melcher.  Terry Melcher was THE hit maker of the era.  You have heard of Phil Spector?  Terry was that level.

THIS IS WHERE EVERYTHING GOES TO SHIT

Charlie, meet Terry.  Terry, meet Charlie.   Charlie is the next big star.  Charlie?  Dennis is going to make you the star I think you are.  Charlie, Terry Melcher here is going to give you a recording contract.  Charlie, soon… everyone will know your name.

This is all Dennis Wilson’s fault.  Not maliciously, mind you.  Really, most of these folks are just victims of circumstance.  This is why Charlie didn’t try and murder Dennis.  Charlie went to murder Terry Melcher.

Keep in mind, Dennis let Charlie (and his hot and pliable harem) live with him.  For some reason,  though, Terry Melcher isn’t bullish on Charlie.  It could be the music wasn’t that great… it could be because Charlie was already batshit crazy.  Terry walks away from promises (says Charlie… anyway) for a recording deal.   Charlie FLIPS.  Charlie sends 4 folks to Melcher’s house to ‘kill everyone in site’…   and they do.  Thing is, Terry Melcher didn’t live there anymore.  Susan Tate and Roman Polanski did.

Next night, Charlie sends another four to murder everyone in a different mansion. Why?  My theory is to cover up the first murder, so it looked random (and then wouldn’t be possibly tied to Terry Melcher/Charlie Manson connection).  This may sound extreme… but there is precedent.  Remember the Tylenol poisonings?  That all came from a guy who poisoned his wife… and then poisoned a bunch of other people to make it look random.

The ‘race war of Helter Skelter’ Charlie sold everyone on?  Don’t think he believed it, himself, for a second.

I truly think the entire Manson murder spree was simply Charlie trying to get revenge on Terry Melcher for reneging on his recording contract promise.  You can, and should, blame all of this on the late Dennis Wilson.  Oh, and Charlie.

*** why am I talking about this now?  Well, there are 2 Charlie Manson movies on the horizon as I write this in Aug 2017.  Tarantino is doing one, about Charlie.  And there is one starting filming this summer about Dennis Wilson during this era.