About Lono

My name is Lono. I live in Parker, CO. I have a wifey, horses, dogs, cats, and fish. I write here, as well as a music site www.maybeiamwrong.com I am also in a band called Clownfight. IamCorrect at Gmail.com

It’s ok, its just an unsafe vehicle

image

Driving to work today, I saw this car.  Well, if you can call it that. Let’s first point out that I am mocking ‘unsafe vehicles’ while taking pictures and driving.  See what I do for you?

The doors, if you can zoom, are covered in cardboard.  It appears a tent on the roof, so I can assume that is also his home.  Not my point or my business. Truthfully, I feel like a jerk now that I see dude is literally living in on his car.  But we aren’t talking about that, stay with me.

In Colorado, you get speeding tickets.  Like most states, your ticket can be downgraded to an ‘unsafe vehicle’In Colorado, specifically, it drops your moving vehicle record gets 2 points instead of 4.  Big difference.

I speed.  A lot. Not proud of it, just making a point.  The idea that me going 90mph through a school zone  safely going 70 on a 4 lane freeway is safer and superior to this… seems kinda silly.  That’s all I am sayin’.

ed note to self – it is technically called an defective vehicle.  Oops, that is way fucking worse, isn’t it?  Here is what comes up when you google ‘defective vehicle’.  It’s ok, he wasn’t speeding!

Image result for defective vehicle

Yeah, I took typing in high school, so what about it?

Image result for monkey typing

You read that right, bubba.  I took typing in middle school, and high school.   Believe it or not, this was not a cool choice.  Ok, I guess you can believe that part.  Why? Two reasons > it was easy, and it was all girls.   Yeah, who is the dummy now? You don’t get homework in typing, which was nice.  This was a long time ago, pre-computers. Heck, in my first class, we didn’t even have electric typewriters.  Editors note – we need details, man. Ok, fair point.

I was in 8th grade, which makes me about 13, right?  Born in 1972, so this is about 1985. Our class had 10 or 12 manual typewriters, and one electric.   So, one day a month we each got to use the electric. Sidenote – did you know the ‘qwerty’ keyboard layout of letters is designed to be as inefficient as possible.   FACT. Manual typewriters were jamming, so this was laid out to slow down typists. Interesting, eh?

Sholes’ original prototypes had a problem with the bars colliding with each other and jamming. So the story goes that he arranged the keys with the most common letters in hard to reach spots, to slow typists down and try to avoid this problem.

Clearly, I was just dodging real school work.  I knew I would never actually use typing. Back then, mid-80s… typing was perceived as for women.  Specifically, secretaries. Today, we call them ‘executive admin’, or ‘Laura’. I did well in that class, a very good grade.  Come to think of it, how does one grade a typing class? I don’t remember. I just remembered that I learned to type like a motherfucker!  So when the chance came to take it again in high school… you bet your ass I was all over it.

And guess what?  Here is what I could have never guessed… how useful it would be. Imagine if you told me that most of America’s workforce sat at tiny desks all day long typing things.  In fact, no matter what job you have, it involves you sitting and typing all day. Regardless of sex or age or education level. The future of America is people sitting and typing.

In that sense, I think I won.  Wait!  You still want to beat me up?

I want to be the second guy in that room

Proctor Silex  White  2 Slice  Toaster  7.75 in. H x 6.5 in. W x 11.38 in. D

I keep thinking about this fun idea.  I want to go back in time to show a cell phone to the great minds of any time.  Let’s say the founding fathers of the USA back in Philadelphia. I want to step into the room of the… um…   6 to 8 alpha dogs. I wanted to show them a cell phone. Power it up, and hand it to them. Explain this little box accesses all recordings made.  What are recordings? We’ll explain that in a minute. It will let you talk to anyone else alive on Earth. From this device, you can access and read just about anything ever written of consequence.

THEN… show them a movie.  Any movie, but prolly best if it were a super hero movie where people were flying and shit… in HD.  Let them also assume that by now, we are all flying.

Explain that just about everyone has one, even the rather poor.   THEN… explain we mostly just use it to play games on the shitter.

THAT would blow their minds, capiche?  

Sure, that would be great.  I think it might be more fun to show them a rather minor invention, but still a great one nonetheless.  You got the whole ‘phone’ thing, right guys? Yeah, we call it a phone. We’ll explain that later. THIS, though… this is a ‘toaster’.  With the aid of electricity, (again, we’ll explain that later) it ‘toasts’ bread.  It takes a piece of bread, and we all love bread, and gently cooks it. Now, your bread is crispy on the outside, and still soft and chewy and warm on the inside.   

Maybe y’all aren’t ready for this.  Please, gentlemen… sit. It ‘toasts’ the bread on both sides.  Both fucking sides, I said.

The flying people and the repository of all music and literature that Kyle showed you?  True, it is pretty great. I am here to take questions about the toaster, though. Perhaps even investors.  Who’s with me, guys?

Ok, Tom, you had a question?  No.  It doesn’t fly, nor talk to people.  YET… you can almost always adjust the ‘toastedness’ of each slice.  Would you like some time to process this?  How about questions!  Any questions?

Michael?  No, I am sorry,  It doesn’t do invisibility, but neither does theirs.  Ours?  Does two slices at a goddamn time!  TWO you motherfuckers!  Ask Kyle if his precious phone does any of that?  The answer, gentlemen, is no.  No it does not.

Please, can we focus on the toaster, guys?

Barenaked Ladies & Steven Page… what are you waiting for?

Image result for gordon album cover                             

15 years ago, I wrote a piece here called ‘Never Say Never’.  The premise was all bands will get back together.  Barring death, of course. Back then, in 2004, I looked at the great white whales of broken bands:  Guns & Roses, and Pink Floyd.  It’s tough to say which guess was crazier.  Pink Floyd spent decades in court. Specifically, David Gilmour fought Roger Waters for the rights to the name.  This was an ugly and long battle. Still, I knew they would come back together. They did, since then, a whole bunch.

Then, I told you G&R would get back together.  Even though Slash & Velvet Revolver were a bi success (#1 album at the time I wrote that piece, in fact)… we all knew Slash & Axl could never be half as good apart as they were together.  Now, it’s been many years they have been back together. Very sad side note: they have been playing the same setlist since day 1 of reunion. Will they ever change the setlist? “Not in this lifetime!”. See what I did there?

Image result for oasis

Ok, who is left?  The Gallagher boys from Oasis?  I don’t even count that. I bet your ass that is not a feud still.  I bet they meet for beers monthly. How and why do I know this? Oasis broke up what 10 years ago?  How do they remain in the press EVERY SINGLE DAY? Collusion, that is how. Let’s hop over to NME.com (the British equivalent of Rolling Stone, but better regarded) and see what we can find.   Yup, here we go. Page one: some shit about Liam. Now, don’t believe me? No matter when you are reading this, hop over to NME.com (which I do religiously. Aside from their Gallagher obsession, they are top notch) and you will find a headline about either Noel or Liam.  My point being… they are just playing until someone offers 100 million to do the O2 for a week. Their ‘feud’ is a fraud!

So… what happens to break up the ‘Ladies’?  Well, Steven (who was married until about 10 minutes after this little event) gets busted for coke.   How?   Well, that is just weirder.

Just after 2 a.m., Manlius officers on patrol found a car parked across the sidewalk

with its driver’s side door open outside the apartment. An officer looked up the 

license plate and saw it was registered to that address, Bleyle said.  As officers approached the house, they saw Page and Stephanie Ford, 25, at the kitchen table with a white capsule that later tested positive for cocaine

Right after this happens, Page leaves the group as a ‘mutual parting’.   It still breaks my heart. I fully get why they had to do it, though. I guess it was the end of an era.  Remember what Doug Hopkins said after Gin Blossoms fired him (and right before he committed suicide’?  You don’t, but I do. Hopkins said “I get why they fired me, but they didn’t have to be so fucking brutal about it!”.

Let’s just look at the timeline here.  BNL is set to do a kids album (or had just done one) and booked a bunch of stuff with Disney.  During this exact period (a few months, I’ll guess) he gets busted for coke… and cheating on his wife.  Kinda looks like the band choices were:  keep Steven and forego Disney money, fire Steven and pick up that cool 10 million.   Sorry Steven, they didn’t choose you.  Ironic, isn’t it?  “If I had a million dollars…” insert a million jokes here.  “I’d spend on hookers and blow (if I had a million dollars) you’d host a cruise but I couldn’t go…”

I have seen everyone in rock.  I have been to hundreds of national shows (“last count was about 250 in the last 20 years since we moved to Denver.  In the top shows of all the ones I have seen, Barenaked Ladies shows are always at the top.  First time I saw them, I only knew few songs, I left that show a lifelong fan.  Same thing happened with Pearl Jam.  There is no one better than BNL – Page & Robertson riffing and goofing together.

Ok, hold on and time out.  I went all me above and overstated the situation of them apart.  It is true that with them, one and one makes three. But here is proof each is amazing.  I say ‘each’ because we aren’t talking about the rest of the band. We are talking about the power struggle of John & Paul, Mick & Keith, Axl & Slash, Don & Glenn, Lindsay and Stevie = Ed Robertson & Steven Page.

Here is what I mean by how good they are alone.  Here are some wonderful and kind of odd clips. The first series is Ed Robertson filming himself doing all their hits in his bathroom with an acoustic guitar.

The second piece is Steven Page wandering around in a park and singing his hits from the band.  Don’t look at any stills. Its not good, he looks like a wandering hobo.  His voice is still just perfect.  You guys belong together!

Good news… they all are on some kind of speaking terms.  they appeared together last year and it was just perfect. Perhaps naively, we assumed they had kissed and made up and were ready to announce a tour.  Not yet, I guess. I can tell you, they WILL return together. When they do, I will be there. You should, too.

*** can I riff for a moment on that album cover up there at the top?  Apparently, they replaced it with this.  My brother Johnny turned me on to the band from this first album.  While I LOVE that album, and now regard it as a masterpiece, it took me a long time to listen to it.  Why? I guess you might call it homophobia. That album cover is SO gay. Not a little bit gay, either.  Not gay like ‘hey its no one’s business’. That, I agree with. This album cover was more like ‘oh, there is a big ass Canada gay waive and we are coming for you… coming ON you!  You will ALL be gay when we are done. don’t judge me, as everyone else clearly felt that way.  Here is the new cover of the first album.

Editors Note: 

This is a cross post from my music site.  I do a bit of music writing over there.  The reason the post is here is the formatting on blogger (where the other site lives) sucks!  You get what you pay for (free)!  So I wrote it in wordpress to then move over to their platform pre-formatted.  Then… I figured… why not leave it here?  Content is content, eh?

So you want to travel the world?

Macchu 1

*** this piece is part of a larger series on my travel writing, called the ‘Travel Thai-aries®’  It is best to start here before going any further. ***

Wifey and I just got back from a wonderful trip to Peru.  It was just amazing, but no surprise.  People tend to have the same reaction > I wanna go to Peru, too!

No you don’t.  You don’t want to go to Peru.  You want to be in Peru.  See, going to Peru is quite a pain in the ass, and some high level tedium as well.  You wanna just GO to Peru, I’ll take you right now.  We’ll do a virtual reality adventure.

seans back

Is that Peru?  Did we make it to Lima?  Are we at Machu Picchu yet?  I have no idea, because this is all I saw for 2 weeks.

See that?  It’s a headrest and the back of someone’s head.  That is pretty much your view for the next 12 hours.  Oh, there are variations to be sure, but mostly this will be your trip.  Perhaps you think “oh, to be the guy up front.  At least he gets the cool view.”  Wrong.  First off, he is very tall, so this whole trip will be misery on his body.  Secondly?  You don’t really EVER want to see the view straight ahead when traveling outside the US.  Everywhere outside the US they drive like maniacs.  Somehow it works, but it is terrifying.

Do you really want the view up front in a greyhound when the greyhound decides to pass into oncoming traffic on a split highway round blind corners in the cloud forest of Costa Rica?  No, you do not.  Because you don’t want to see that bus coming at you at 60, and your driver’s solution is NOT to get back into his lane, but to honk at the idiot who is driving down the mountain in their own lane.  When it’s not that, there just may be a cow on the highway that you don’t see until its too late.  Or, fires right in the road.

Somehow, it always works out.  But, I have learned in traveling a decent chunk of the world to stick with the view out the windows.  Sideways is your friend, I promise.

Slow down, that was just the long ass drive to the airport at 5 am.  Scroll back up to that picture and sit down and stare at it for 45 minutes.   DO IT!  You want to travel, this is the deal.  Ok, airport time.  Ready for lines, asshole? You better be.  Now that you are traveling international, expect LOTS of scrutiny and lines everywhere.

lines of peru

That is the wifey ahead of me in line.  I actually had writing this piece in mind before we left. This is why I am prepared with seemingly dumb photos and perspectives.   Why we are deck out in jackets to head to the jungle?  Because we had to get up at 3 am and stand in that freezing ass Pike’s Peak parking lot to wait for the shuttle bus.  Also, after a week in the beautiful but hot ass jungle, our next stop was Machu Picchu at 12K feet.  Don’t worry, we were only there for a few hours.  You don’t get those photos.  You get to see what the real aspect of travel is > just lines and buses.

Ok, security is done.  Once again, paying that $75 for ‘pre’ was WAY worth it.  Even though I only fly a few times a year… it is worth it.  It gets you relaxed security protocols, and a secret much shorter line.  I am loathe to endorse any aspect of TSA, but this program is worth its weight in teeny tiny airline bottles of booze that are hidden all over my person.

seatback plane

This is nice.  The stressful part is over for a long time.  Now, we sit!  You want to go to Peru?  Ok.  Stare at this picture for 6 hours.  Surely, for a 6 hour flight across the continent and the equator will have TVs and movies and charging ports for USB, right?  Not this cheap ass plane.  This was our flight to Panama.  I get it, these are first world problems.  Who am I to bitch about world travel?  I am Correct, that’s who!  Scroll back up.  Remember, stare at that seat for 6 hours.  You are totally free to sleep, just don’t get up.  You can’t.  Once the 6 hours has elapsed, you may continue reading.

Because I am kind, and wisely looped on valium and booze, we can skip ahead.  We now need to get on our third plane today.  The first one went from Colorado to Panama.  The next was Panama to Lima, Peru.  This last one was Lima, Peru to Puerto Maldonado.  This was not exactly supersonic modern travel.  Here, I snuck a picture of this janky ass plane.

sketch plane puerto maldonado

Ok, we made it!  Well, not really, but the air travel part is over.  Let’s jump to this part.  Please stare at this for 45 more minutes.  Don’t get up.  And don’t be concerned that the idea this thing we travel over is barely a ‘road’ by any stretch.

the road

We were in an old Land Cruiser.  It looked SO cool, but as a ride was horrible.  The suspension was shot, no seatbelts, and a door that didn’t totally close.  Go ahead and put a camping chair on your washing machine.  Then put one of those really heavy rugs in the washing machine that makes it freak out off balance.  You know, when you can hear the machine from upstairs… and you go down to check on it and it has walked about 5 feet away from where it was?  Yeah, that is your drive from the airport.

Ok. Time for a well earned break.  95% of our travel is done.  We made it to the headwaters of the Amazon fucking river!  How cool is this.  This photo is taken nearing the confluence of the Madre De Rios river, and the Tambopata river.  Here is the photo most would post.  This is the Instagram influencer photo.

madre de dios 1
it was stunning.  We are finally here!  We are on the river of the headwaters of the amazon river in the jungle in Peru.  This picture isn’t the whole story, though.  It is some clever selection of what I want to show you.  Here is a more accurate portrayal, taken standing in the exact same spot.  You see, this below is what the world looks like. You won’t find it in any travel books or commercials, though.

madre de dios 2

This is not a criticism of Peru.  Their streets were cleaner than hours.   Just keep in mind for every single shot like the top one, this one right here is the one you aren’t seeing.  The one they are likely standing on to take that other shot.

Ok, more driving.  I pictured this.  This was the drive described in the brochure.

the road 1

Ha ha ha, you dummy.  No, your 2 hour drive will be this.

the road

Yes, you feel all in touch with your human roots now.  Most tours don’t let you see this stuff.  That is why we don’t do tours.  We craft our own adventure.  In the business, they call it ‘independent traveling’, and they don’t like it.  Anyhow, I didn’t even have this view above.  I had this view.

road view sean

Most of my amazing Peruvian memories involve Sean’s neck.  End result was this.  Just an amazing trip.  However, if you did this right without cheating… it took you 16 hours from when you started this piece.  If it didn’t, scroll back up to the airplane headrest shot.  Stare at that for another 4 hours, because you didn’t count the flight from Panama city to Lima, Peru.

 

Now you have traveled the world!  Oh, here is another example from Thailand that very much fits the theme.  I can’t find my pictures, so these are pictures I copped from the internet.  However, I genuinely have these exact same photos.  There is a very famous and iconic Angkor Wat photo.  It is the main palace and sunrise, and being reflected in the water for a perfect mirror image.

angor watt 1

To get this pictures sucks ass!  You get up at like 4 am, and trudge through the mud with thousands of other pilgrims looking for the shot.  The shot, like the one above it, is worth it.  It is spectacular, and even more beautiful in person.  However, what none of these photos show you is how we got the shot.  In a thousand pics of this, you will a very specific angle, which means there is basically one location to get this photo.  Turn his camera around, and this is what you actually see.  This, below, is my memory.  and getting pushed into that mud by understandably overeager tourists.

angor watt 2

see how I didn’t blame the Chinese on that one?

And see how at least people are staying out of the water?  Yeah, that wasn’t the case when we were there.  Folks were in the mud.  We were in the mud.  I sure as shit wasn’t to going to miss this shot for anything.  Even if I am only using my cell phone camera.  This gal, whose picture I stole, wrote about her experience dealing with the whole thing of getting this shot. It’s pretty great, so let me acknowledge here, and read her piece.

People didn’t travel to the other side of Earth to miss this shot.   Also, people are pushing you all the time… maybe on purpose, maybe not.  No one means harm.  It is just that we all have about a 6 minute window to get the perfect picture.  And somehow, ideally, the picture above without all these folks.  I think it would be fun to do a travel book just about this.  ‘This’ being the disparity of the beauty of the world’s great sites… and the task it is to get there.  And… what you actually see.  I get it, these are painfully first world problem.  Boo hoo to the rich white guy with problems traveling the world.  I get that, and I agree.  Maybe this is why Rick Steve’s doesn’t leave Europe.  Anyone wanna pay me to do this?

 

*** I didn’t even get to tell you about the train into Aguas Caliente.  Here is how that worked.  Get some motion sickness in ya.  I mean sea-sick throwing up into a bag.  Then, come back and spend 3 more hours reading this.  That was the train ride.  🙂

Friday Fives – windy city edition

Image result for wind mandala

Do you like, dislike, or pay no attention to the wind?

I use to never think about wind.  Hardly knew it existed… until I moved out to the country.  I live, basically, in the high plains of Eastern CO.  It is always windy.  REALLY windy.  I installed a weather station with an anemometer just to measure the wind.  It has a very large impact on how the weather feels outside.  You know the term ‘windchill factor’.  I no longer even look at the temperature outside, I only look at the windchill.  Or, as they call it ‘real feel’ or something they could patent.

Listen, lemme tell you how intense the wind can be out where I live (dirt roads, no lights, no city water, its fantastic).  When we first moved in, the wind was so bad I was afraid the roof was going to come off.  I couldn’t sleep.  I found earplugs and put them in so I could sleep.  That was probably about at 30 mph wind.  Since then, I know my amazing house can withstand it.  But yeah, wind is an issue.

Do you have allergies or sinus made worse by the wind?

No.  Do I look like some kind of pussy?

Have you ever been caught in a big wind (not a hurricane or tornado)?

Yeah, every Spring at my place.  BUT… I have been in a tornado, too.  This was at my old place in town in Parker.  It was RAD!  I have been in every natural disaster (partially due to my work as an emergency responder for the Red Cross… pats self on back) except a hurricane.  I am ready for it, but I have no interest in living near a coast anywhere.

When was the last time you flew a kite?

Glad you asked, we are always looking for young, nubile boys to join us!  North American Mylar Balloon Launchers, or NAMBLA for short.  Fundraising has been a bitch for some reason.  We always need help.  Especially little boys!

Would you like to have the power of flight?

Well, yeah.  I’d take invisibly, first, though.  It’s cold up there.  No one mentions that.

Friday Fives – I make it all better for you

Image result for sad mandala

If you were President of the United States, what would be your top 3 things that you would like to change?

Well, I’d make poor people register.  With whom? Why? EXACTLY my point. Those are typical poor people type questions.  Maybe if you worked a little harder at life, you wouldn’t have to wear the star of L.

If you had to survive off of one specific type of food, what would it be and why?

Pizza… for me, mac and cheese for you.  And not that fancy hipster mac and cheese that is all the rage.  Not even Kraft. I am talking about school lunch 3rd grade school lunch type mac and cheese.  It’s mostly yellow, so it will go with your star of P. Oops, yeah you just got another incentive to stop being so poor.  I am reminded of the prophet Cartman when he said ‘Kenny, if you don’t stop being poor, I am going to throw rocks at you!’

If you could go back in time to fix one thing, what would it be?

Make the Beatles consolidate the White Album into one good record/CD.  Same with Guns & Roses on ‘Use your Illusion’. WAIT! I know what you are thinking.  I could have gone back and saved Hiter, sure. I could have gone back and protected Oswald, and warned the Feds about Jack Ruby.  I could have gone back and told Timothy McVeigh not to speed away from the OKC building. Yeah… I could have gone back and told Charlie to kill those bitches from the Tate/LaBianca murders so they wouldn’t have bragged about it in prison.

In retrospect, I could have been here on that cold New Jersey morning when the Hindenburg crashed, and gotten WAY better footage.

But life isn’t about ragrets, it is about the things we can do, not the things we didn’t do!

What community is your favorite and why?

Arson.  We are tight group, for sure.  It’s not about that pervy shit like “ooh, I like watch it all burn.  No sir, I am talking about creating jobs, and opportunity. I am talking about giving (poor) people a lesson in non-attachment.  And since you love firemen, so much. This is about job security for So many needy firemen.

When did you realize you were finally an adult and how did it make you feel?

Ok, this is a true story and a bit embarrassing.  We had a party with a bunch of friends over. Daytime thing, so lots of cooking.  We also have this really pretty cutting board.  So great, in fact, it hangs as an art piece in the kitchen.  ‘Kim’ was wanting to cut a bunch of veggies. She grabbed the pretty cutting board.  I had to stop her and say “Oh, please don’t use that one. Use one of the plain ones under the sink.”

What kind of shit is that?  If 16 year old me heard that, he would punch me in dick.