Friday Fives – roy kills off our protagonist?

1.  If you were to open a store or a boutique, what would you sell, what would the shop be like?

I would love a book store or used cd store.  However, I am such a fan and a collector I could never part with anything.  People would bring stuff to the counter and I would be talking them out of it, so I didn’t have to part with it.  Same with guitars.  I know that is kinda dodging the question, but I am not a fan of the question.  So, to myself, I have rationalized my shit answer.  Clever, huh?

How about guitars?  Yummy.

2.  You won a lifetime supply of the last thing you purchased! What do you get, and are you happy with it?

I’ll give you the last two things I bought, how about that?  Two things ago was a can of hazelnut chocolate Pirouettes from Whole Foods.  These are the BOMB.  They looked, and tasted, just like these.  So… pile them on and I am cool with that.

The last thing I truly bought was a slice of pizza with my editor, believe it or not.  The guy who writes these questions and turned me on to blogging.  We caught up with each other for a bite and some great conversation.  It was Anthony’s.  So, yeah… you can smother me in NY style pizza for sure.

3.  What is a fad that diet off that you still participate in?

low/no carb.  Made famous and popular about ten years ago with the Adkins diet and the Suzanna Somers diet.  They are both low/no carb.  However, there are some key nutritive differences between the two.  The Atkins diet is simply a way for you to rationalize to your wife why you eat so much bacon.  The Suzanne Somers is for neurotic types who don’t believe in shit like science… and get their health advice from talk shows, and Jenny McCarthy.  100% of these participants (myself excluded, i swear) have celtic-y looking tramp stamps.   Prolly a dolphin on their ankle, too.   In short, it works.  Most or all carbs are basic sugars.  If you aren’t working your ass off, your body converts them to fat for storage at a later date.  Awesome if you are fighting dinosaurs, not to awesome if you are a cubicle monkey.

Oh, and I know this is super obvious, but it can’t be said enough.  Nothing will ever replace eating healthily, moderately, and exerising.  No pill or patch will fix that.  Well, unless the patch goes over your mouth.

4.  Has anyone ever tried to intentionally kill you?

not to my knowledge.  Is there a round about way you are trying to tell me something?  Listen, Roy, it wasn’t my plan to leave Sprint.  It was certainly never anything against you. It was a leadership decision, and in NO way is related to my restraining order.  We can work this out, right?  Jesus, don’t kill my birds.  It’s all I care about.

5.  How long have we left until the Robot Overlords take over the world?

        13 days and roughly as many hours.

Friday Fives – revisionist statistician edition

1.  What is something that no one looks cool doing?

Having sex.  At least, not the guys.  At least, not me. and I definitely don’t look cool having sex with guys.

2.  What is the most useful fact you know?

How to say ‘I have monkeys in my trousers’ in several languages.  Seriously

3.  What is something that you can spend a lot of money on but is just as good or maybe better if you go the cheap route?

Well, I’ll tell ya this first, and foremost.  One of the biggest truisms I have discovered in my 40 plus years on Earth – you get what you pay for.  If everyone else paid $100 for something, and you paid $25.  You didn’t get a ‘deal’.  You got a piece of shit.  Every time.  He paid $80 for dinner, and you paid $6?  Yeah, his was better.  Shoes, jackets, food, hookers, cars… you name it.  Be suspicious of anything that is too good a deal.  Here is another real life example. I was just in Asia the last few weeks.  I went to the market in Bangkok and I saw ‘Beats’ headphones.  This model costs $300 in the US.  I was thinking maybe I could get them for as much as half off… $150.  Guess how much they were?  $35.  That isn’t a deal, that is a counterfeit… AND a piece of shit.  I pulled out a pair and listened to them.  They sounded like $35 headphones.  On the upside, if you are shallow, they absolutely did look like the $300 headphones.

The one thing that doesn’t seem to follow ANY pricing logic is airfare.  Sitting on a plane to San Diego, maybe you paid $200.  The guy next to you could have paid $800, or $43.

Oooh, one more example.  Do NOT ever buy the cheap generic saran wrap.  I don’t care what market you are in, or what or who makes the generic knock off.  Save yourself the heartache and frustration and spend the extra $1 on the real shit.

4.  What’s the most mind blowing fact that you just made up?

that 5 of our every 4 Americans are overpaying for airfare.

5.  If your belly button were an actual button,  what would it do when pressed?

It starts a small structure fire to a building in Detroit.  This is not, btw, hypothetical.  No, it’s not an actual button, either, but it does start structure fires in Detroit.  Actual button?  That is some imagination you have, buster.

Friday Fives – in concert edition

Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, or over-think this.  Just whatever pops in to mind.

20141017_095812Best concert

Gosh, I have been to so many concerts. Hundreds. See those ticket stubs in there?  That is just the last ten years, after I had effectively stopped going to concerts.  Best Concert? In the spirit of not over-thinking it (per our instructions), it just may have been Pearl Jam last night in Denver. I have seen the band a lot. Over ten times, I would say. Last night’s show was unique and amazing. And long. Almost four hours. I wrote that up this morning, though, if you are interested.

Worst concert

I can’t think of any overtly bad shows. Ok, there were some that were a little disappointing. I saw Smashing Pumpkins three different times on the Siamese Dream tour. Each and every one of those shows was stopped early because Billy lost his shit at something stupid. However, the band was absolutely at the height of their powers then. So, even a shortened Pumpkins set was still more beautiful and powerful and intense than every other rock band playing a full set.  At that time, in that era, on that tour, Smashing Pumpkins*** were the greatest rock band in America.  This was a band at the height of their powers > like Guns and Roses ‘Appetite for Destruction’ era.  Zeppelin in ’77, the Destroyer bootleg era Chili Peppers*** on the ‘Blood Sugar Sex Magic’ tour.  Beastie Boys*** on ‘Ill Communication’.  Nirvana*** on Nevermind tour.  Pearl Jam*** on the Ten Tour.  Police*** on ‘Synchronicity’.  Prince in the ‘Purple Rain’ era.

Billy Corgan:  he will cut you

These are bands that were in top form, taking over the Earth.  It never lasts long, but if you can catch a band in this moment, you should.

There was another show I was disappointed at, but not the band’s fault at all. Back at Lolla 2 (1992) Pearl Jam had been added to the bill last minute. They were just coming up, and getting bigger every day. Because they were a late add, they had a shitty time slot. They went on at 2 pm. PLUS, it was a school/work day. So, about half the audience wouldn’t show up until about 7 pm, after work, time to catch the headliners. PLUS – it was Phoenix in the summer. So, it was 118 degrees out… as it is in summer in Phx.

At this point in time, I was already a rabid Pearl Jam fan. This was my third time seeing them, and they were still just out whoring for their very first album. I saw them three times in Phoenix in one year.  Can you imagine how many shows they must have played that year?  Editors note:  I counted them up.  They played 71 shows in one year. So, there was virtually no one there to see them. It was early and it was hot as hell. There was no shade at this venue, so most folks found a shaded beer garden and holed up there for a few hours. Sadly, those folks missed an amazing show. Pearl Jam ALWAYS puts on a killer and passionate show.

Most overrated live band

Poison. Actually, I don’t know how they are ‘rated’ live. But, I do enjoy their music. I don’t actually have any albums, but I know the music. Many, many years ago I had the cassette ‘Look what the cat dragged in’.  Look at this cover.  They were seriously hot, beautiful women. Their show was flat. It felt like they were just going through the motions. I fully get how that happens. After 4 or 500 hundred live shows, I imagine it gets tedious. The good bands, though, never let it show.

Oh, and Pink Floyd. That is correct, I have not only seen Pink Floyd, but they sucked. Even kookier – I can tell you that every other person there will tell you it was the greatest show in history. Why the discrepancy? Because most people are stooges. Couple that with the fact that I seriously am an expert in live concerts. I have actually seen more national touring acts than all of your friends put together.

At this point (early 90’s, Division Bell tour) the band was basically the David Gilmour show. That isn’t a necessarily a bad thing. The band played only expected songs. The setlist was boring and predictable. On top of that, the versions played were too good. There was no character or intimate moments. It literally sounded like the band put on a greatest hits CD and stood there. I understand that saying Pink Floyd is wildly over-rated sounds like a hipster douche. However, they are wildly overrated. I very much enjoy their music. However, about 60% of it lost its appeal after I stopped doing drugs. In an unrelated side note, here is my favorite Pink Floyd song, performed awesomely by David Gilmour. This is a beautiful and unique performance of a very deep cut… the kind of moments I live for… and the kind of moments that were not present that evening in Tempe.  I could tell you the name, but it’s so absurd you wouldn’t believe me.  Put some headphones on and dig it!

If you ever get me cornered, ask me to tell you about the drive home. In a blizzard. On drugs. In a strange car.   With a busted window. With 3 guys tripping balls. Oh, I guess I just told you the story. Well, never mind.

I love to play this song camping. It’s tough for the others. I tell them I am going to play some Floyd. Then, I play that song, an Fearless. People get quite disappointed. Sorry, but Wish you were Here gets boring after playing it for 30 years.

Most underrated live band

Again, I am going to mention a couple here. The first is Barenaked Ladies. I haven’t seen them since Steven Page left, so I can’t vouch for their shows now. However, this band is the most fun band live… consistently. I went in to the first show (tour supporting Rock Spectacle, and excellent live collection) just being a casual fan. Maybe even the tickets were free. I can’t remember laughing so hard or feeling so engaged as I did that night. Once that happened, I went to see them every chance I got. In Winterpark the show became rather famous among hardcore fans as the ‘pipe guy’ show.

It’s a great story, but one you need to hear in person. I have met hardcore BNL fans, who have never been to Colorado. I tell them “I was at the ‘pipe guy’ show and they gush every time. Ever been to a rock show at a ski resort? It is super cool. They set up a stage at the bottom of the hill/run. Then, the people just fill up the hill. Everyone has a great site line, because you are halfway up a mountain. On top of that, you are in the woods. It is just magical.

Oh, the other is James Taylor.  As you can guess, I have seen him a ton, too.  Over ten times.  Now, you imagine a James Taylor show is relaxed white people listening to very pretty songs.  It is.  But, it is SO much more.  First off, his voice is still crystal clear.  It sounds as good or better than it did in 1972, when Fire and Rain first came out.  Next, he is a super good guitar player.  Then, my favorite part; he is incredibly funny.  He is as engaging and fun as BNL.  There is no concert I laugh at more than a James Taylor show.  He gets is self image.  He is keenly aware that is a punchline of all that is white and boring in music.  He plays off that. Here is my favorite song of his, Copperline.

Best concert album

Simon and Garfunkel – Live in Central Park. There is no further discussion. There is top five list. Just that concert, far and away above the others.  I defy you to watch this and not cry.


*** I was at these shows

Friday Fives – words and web edition

  1. What are some of your most confounded “That Guy…” behaviors?

I don’t think I understand the question. I think you are asking “what is it about you that really annoys everyone?” Is that the question? Well, if that is the question, then how about maybe fuck you is the answer! How about ‘dem apples? I am not here to tell you what is wrong with me. You may form your own opinions, but I am certainly not going to help you attack me.

You want the dirt on me?  You will NEVER get it.  You want to hear me say things like:  i am pushy, i talk too much, i am self centered and think I am more interesting than I really am, I am bossy, I never shut up, I am super insecure and unhappy with my height, I like to start fires in schools, I am a horrible singer… yet it never stops me.  i am a genetic mess of recessive genes that people wouldn’t pick out of the free bin and the local health clinic.  HA!  You will never get me to cop to any of that shit, crackers!  Nice try!

How about YOUR behaviors, mister judgy question guy? I’ll tell you about that! You are a meanie! Put that in your diary, you elitist monster!

  1. What profession was once highly respected, but is now a complete joke?

Webmaster/website builder. That used to be prestigious, and high paying. You had to know HTML, C+, and how to play dungeons and dragons. I took a stab at it long ago with this blog, when I started in 2003. Back then, I had to code everything. There was no drag and drop. I even had to explain in numbers what the colors should be and how big the font should be. It sucked, and after tons of work it still looked amateurish –think Geocities here. Here, I found this on the way back machine. This is what my website looked like ten years ago. Again, this was groundbreaking work ten years ago. Now, it’s just a bit sad. Keep in mind, this was actual content ten years ago. If you worked with me at the time, you know this face. I made it your wallpaper, often. I kill me!

Now, quite wonderfully, the tools are amazing. I can literally build a beautiful website for free in 15 minutes. Blogger (owned by Google) used to be the main player. However, most of us now use WordPress. They are a GREAT resource and I love them. This shit is so easy now my dad could build a website… and he still can’t work email. Most importantly, all of this is completely free! God Bless America!

  1. What fact could someday save my life somehow?

Urine is sterile. Mine is, anyway. I can’t imagine you will need to know that. Also, they say peeing on jellyfish does NOTHING. I think that is just a myth guys used to get girls to pull their pants down at close range. Come to think of it, this IS lifesaving. In fact, I am stung this very minute.   Ladies, unless you want me to die, start sending those pics over. I am rather choosy, after all.

  1. What fictional couple would never last in real life?

Kim and Kanye. I would bet my life it is a business arrangement. Both are getting richer and more famous off the other. It’s a win win for them. Yes, I am aware I called them fictitious. I can’t think of another way to explain Kanye. He is brilliant, and crazy, and the definition of narcissism. Know what I hate most about Kanye? He sucks live. His studio stuff KILLS, but I have never once heard a good live performance from him. Every other rapper generally shines live, not Kanye. Without the magic of a studio, a producer, and multiple takes, he falls flat.

To me, that is WAY worse than him just being a douchebag. Wait, here is something ever worser***

  1. What word do you think should be spelled differently?

Weerd. BAM! I just fixed that word. All that ‘I before e except after c’ is nonsense. Can you imagine trying to learn this language? Hey everyone, Y is a consonant. Got it? Simple stuff. EXCEPT, on Sundays, or leap years. Or, if an independent party wins in regional primaries. At that time, it is then a vowel. Duh!

Footnotes and corrections >

*** I am sorry, did you just say ‘worser’ is not a word? I bet to differ. I tell you what, quick show of hands. Everyone here who has a degree in Enlish Literature and Spanish Language raise their hands. Oh, it’s just me? Then shut up, I am more qualified to make up words than those pricks at Merriam Webster.

Friday Fives – car edition

1. What kind of vehicle do you currently drive?

a truck, of course.  I love trucks.  Now, its useful to have a truck since I have a ranch and horses and all that.  But, I have had trucks since college.  I can’t imagine not having a truck.

2. What are some of your favorite things about your vehicle?

the flexibility to know I can go almost anywhere, in almost any weather… with whatever crap I need.

3. What are some things you dislike about your vehicle or would change if you could?

I understand this is a ‘white person’ or ‘first world’ problem, but I don’t have heated seats.  My next truck, if all goes to plan (and lifely rarely does) will have heated seats.  Also, the turning radius on trucks sucks ass.  It takes a HUGE radius to turn around.  In most cities’ intersections, I can’t ‘flip a bitch’ at the light if I need to make a u-turn.   So, it would be nice if someone designed a truck that could actually turn.

4. What is your fondest memory involving your vehicle?

not counting teenage sexcapades, I would say camping in general.  I have a little pull behind Coleman pop up that is just awesome.  Here are some pics of mine, the Coleman Sun Valley from the early 80s.  I bought it on Craiglist for a grand!

5. What’s something you’ve never done with your vehicle that you’d like to?

not counting teenage sexcapades, I can’t think of anything.  It’s not a car to cross to earth with.  It’s not nearly as comfortable as the wifey’s sedan, and the mileage is shitty of course.  No, here is what I want to do… but it has nothing to do with my truck.  I would love to take a trip across the country in an RV.  Now that is living!  One person drives, and the others can nap or cook or play videos games or whatever.  Problem is, you can’t afford to rent an RV for that.  They have considerable mileage limitations.  Your total mileage allotment for all those companies is about a four hour drive away… max.   That doesn’t even get me out of the state.  So, why not buy one?  They are a money pit, and I would hardly ever use it.

When I think of getting an RV, I think of something comedian Louis CK said about being a boat owner.  He said “don’t buy a boat unless you can afford 12”.  I am betting it’s similar with an RV.  Now, the Coleman is perfect for camping and roadtrips.  It offers everything I need.  Except… you can’t hang out in it while you are driving.

Friday Fives – innovation edition

  1.  What is the most useless weapon you can think of to bring to a fight?

Pudding. Don’t ask me why, but this is more than theory. Do NOT.

  1.  What’s the most you’ve ever cried over a FICTIONAL event or person? And why?

Every time I watch the original Like Water for Chocolate movie. Bertita, you have to make them with love. That, my sister, is the difference. I haven’t seen it in 20 years because if I watched it now I would literally cry myself to death. It is that wonderful and beautiful and perfect of a story and a film

  1.  What everyday thing would scare the SHIT out of us if we’d never seen it before?

The phone. Having worked in the cell phone business for a LONG time, I would like to go back to… say… Edison. Hold up my cell phone and say “this device allows me to talk to anyone in the world in real time. It allows me to access and play every recording ever made. I stream moving pictures through it, as well it is also takes moving pictures AND transmits them. It also has real time access to every great library and book ever recorded. Wanna know what a baboon weighs? Gimme 30 seconds and I will tell you.

THEN… I wouldn’t let him touch it or take it apart or even use it. I would just demo it for him and say “I am from the future. This is what is there. Get to work on it, fatty!” and then disappear in a poof of poofiness.

Oh, and this. Here is something else that would scare the shit out of you if you had never seen it. A pudding fight.

  1.  What is one article of clothing someone can wear that instantly makes you dislike them?

Ed hardy tshirts. It says ‘date rape’, but still somehow also manages to say ‘date rape’ at the same time.  Pretty sure we can blame John Gosselin for a lot of this.  He hasn’t done anything wrong, except bad taste in clothes and women, technically.  I mean… can we talk about this for a second?  Kate Gosselin seems like one of the meanest and most unpleasant women alive.  So, I lose all respect for anyone who could find her less than the worst person alive.  Geesh, that just went off the rails.  I apologize.  Not to the Gosselins, mind you… but to you for wasting 2 minutes on that rant.  I guess in my mind, the terms: John Gosselin, Ed Hardy, and Date Rape are completely interchangeable.

  1.  What memory from your childhood makes you think “wow we were poor”?

These tongs. Yes, I know that they were all we had, but I now look back at these tongs (and these can openers) and think ‘child abuse’! In fact, scratch that last comment about showing Edison the mobile phone. Lemme go back 40 years and show someone these restaurant tongs. Here, make these… SOON. Pretty please.

Friday Fives – media inquiry edition

1.  What Jeopardy category would you totally dominate?

rock and roll.  If only there was a rock and roll jeopardy, I would run the world, seriously.  The  sad part is, they did have one, years ago.  Jeff Probst was the host, long before Survivor.  Problem with that was, it was only for celebs.  There are clips online, its fun to watch.  To soothe myself, I play the rock category on Quizup on my phone.  It is super addictive, and they have every category you can imagine.  I kill at Simpsons, and I am top in all of Colorado for rock trivia.  I am in the 30’s for nationwide, but crawling up every day.  Come find me and play some games online.  My screen name is ‘Baron von Lono’, and my avatar is a pic of Dali (but of course)

If you can beat me in rock trivia, I will buy you lunch.  What’s my secret?  Well, I learned from the ancients and elders, like the band Mister Mister.  Carry a ladle, my brother.  Carry a ladle indeed.

2.  What cover song do you enjoy more than the original?

Good and thoughtful question, I am impressed.  I would have to say Jimi Hendrix version of ‘All Along the Watchtower’ is easily one.  Strangely, that was Jimi’s biggest charting hit ever.  Bob Dylan (who wrote the song) like Jimi’s arrangement so much he changed the way he played it going forward to match Jimi’s version.

I am hoping and assuming you have heard Johnny Cash’s later work with Rick Rubin.  He did some AMAZING covers, and truly made them his own: Hurt, rusty cage, one.  Lesse… what else.  Janis’ version of Bobby McGee.  That is a Kris Kristofferson song.  Some other sad trivia about that is Janis never saw its success.  She died before the album came out that it was on.

Zac Brown band does a really great ‘Jolene’, which is Ray Lamontagne.  Quite a the departure for a country boy, and song that turned me on to ZBB.

Here is a fun one.  Walk off the Earth does a bitchin cover (and bitchin video) of Lorde’s ‘Royals‘.  All of their videos are super cool and innovative.

I will close with this awesome and unlikely pairing.  Willie Nelson covering Pearl Jam.

I could also tell you about the Grateful Dead covering Metallica.  However, you are just not ready for that yet.  But its real and it exists.

3.  What song, movie, game, etc. has a surprisingly dark message when you really look closer at it?

ooh, another thoughtful question.  I am quite tickled with today’s line of interrogation.  This is truly my expertise.  There are a bunch.  Born in the USA has such a booming and hopeful chorus.  The song is incredibly dark.  Reads mostly like a suicide note if you just look at the lyrics.  Here, go do.

Of course there is the Police with Every Breath you Take, but you already knew that one.

How about Today from Smashing Pumpkins?  Billy says he wrote that as a suicide note after fighting with writers block for some time, and a huge deadline approaching for him to deliver his big commercial breakthrough album (which became the masterpiece ‘Siamese Dream’).

There are, of course, tons.  All great music is written from sadness and heartbreak.

4.  What is the best, most creative music video you have seen?

That would have to go to the Beastie Boys ‘Sabotage’ video.  I can’t think of a better one.

5.    What’s your theme song?

this one, I think